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Monday, May 07, 2007


PAMELA ANDERSON AND GANDHI: SEXY VEGETARIANS…The former Baywatch babe seduces her carnivorous fans by cooing: “For the best orgasm ever, go vegetarian.” PETA spokesperson Pam Anderson gives full credit to her vegan diet for her intense, stupendous sex life. Her buddy Bill Maher adds: “Meat is dirty. I wouldn’t touch a hot dog without a condom on it.”

The highly sexed Hindu vegetarian Mohandas Gandhi agreed with Pam about diet and orgasms. His vow of celibacy led to a titanic struggle to remain sexually abstinent, “It’s like living on the sword’s edge,” the randy Mahatma moaned. He left the marital bed forever after his fourth kid, but later caused a scandal by sleeping with young naked girls to keep him warm and to test his resolve. Gandhi also shared Pam’s passion for safeguarding animals from wanton cruelty: “The greatness of a nation can be judged by the way it treats its animals.” Pam, who obviously loves the animals in her life, admits to having “monkey sex” with former hubby Tommy Lee. She went after Madison Avenue ad agencies for using chimps and apes in commercials. The mammary maven even demanded a boycott of KFC, complaining that modern chickens are “so top heavy they can’t walk.” SAY WHAT?! The scantily clad Gandhi must be smiling on the scantily clad Pam from his stone sarcophagus at the Lake Shrine on Sunset Boulevard. Yes, even the great Mahatma had a Hollywood connection. The late Hindu holy man Yogananda, the founder of this Self-Realization sect, was Gandhi’s yoga teacher and Elvis Presley’s spiritual guru. Ah, Tinseltown: land of oxymorons…

TATTOO ME TWO…The latest Hollywood fad is matching tattoos for lovebirds.
Britney Spears and Kevin Federline inked identical dice tattoos following their wedding. That gamble didn’t pay off. David Beckham and his wife Victoria (formerly “Posh Spice”) sport matching Hebrew tattoos which translate to: “I am my beloved and my beloved is mine.” Angelina Jolie has a Buddhist prayer with Sanskrit symbols on her shoulder, a prayer of protection for her little Cambodian son, Maddox. After hooking up with Angelina, Brad Pitt got his first permanent tattoo, the very same Buddhist prayer, etched forever above his tuchas. Angelina and former hubby Billy Bob Thornton had each other’s names perma-inked on their bodies, too. The “Lara Croft” star plunged into a world of pain when she had the name “Billy Bob” removed from her labia. Ouch!


“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited
about nothing…and then marry HIM.”
Cher, who thought Mount Rushmore was a natural phenomenon

“I’ve given up reading books: I find it takes my mind off myself.”
Oscar Levant, famous neurotic genius and hypochondriac

“My wife and I were happy for 20 years…THEN we met.”
Rodney Dangerfield, who got plenty of respect elsewhere

“We want to have Brooklyn christened, but we are not sure
into which religion!”
David Beckham, on his son, Brooklyn. Jewish is definitely out!

“You know you’re trailer trash when you think loading the dishwasher
means getting your wife drunk.”
Overheard at the Polo Lounge

Tuesday, April 24, 2007


SUPERSTAR HAS GORGEOUS LESBIAN WIFE AND GAY BEST BUDDY…GUESS WHO? For the last year, the press questioned the manhood of this female wet dream. They felt his bisexual second wife wore the pants in the family, and that her total domination compromised his virility. The sexy hunk everyone knew vanished, replaced by a pussy-whipped puppet.

Brad and Angelina? NOT.

They were talking about the silent film matinee idol Rudolph Valentino, whose status as The World’s Greatest Screen Lover wasn’t helped by the fact that his two wives were lesbians. The Russian actress Nazimova, Hollywood’s notorious lesbian den mother and Nancy Reagan’s godmother, introduced Rudy to both ladies. Giving an Art Deco dildo with a cutesy inscription to his gay buddy, screen scorcher Ramon Navarro, raised a few eyebrows, too. Four decades later, two gay hustlers rammed the dildo down the aged Novarro’s throat, killing him in his Laurel Canyon home.

Eighty years after Valentino’s death at age 31, Tinseltown is again abuzz with doubts about the cojones of its current “Sexiest Man Alive”, Brad Pitt. A disenchanted fan recently expressed a sentiment that seems rampant in many Internet chat rooms: “Brad’s total submersion into the bisexual Angelina’s baby besotted, globetrotting lifestyle seems to have turned him from Sexiest Man Alive into a pussy-whipped male nanny in less than a year’s time.” Apparently, the advent of the 21st century has done little to alter the traditional perception of what makes a man a man.

An interesting footnote: Before their respective global adoptions, domestic bliss and quest to channel Mother Teresa... Angelina Jolie and Madonna enjoyed the favors of the same lesbian lover, the loose lipped Jenny Shimizu. Angelina once said of the long term relationship: “I would have married Jenny if I hadn’t married my (first) husband.” But motherhood and forming a Rainbow Tribe changes everything. Just ask Josephine Baker, a sexy, courageous black entertainer who fled 1920’s racism in America to gain international fame in Paris, dancing naked except for a string of bananas around her waist. After romancing the married King Gustav VI of Sweden and joining the French Resistance, smuggling out wartime secrets written in invisible ink on her sheet music, she began her own Rainbow Tribe. This original Mother of Reinvention adopted 12 kids while on world tours “to show the world that children of different ethnicities and religions can love and live as brothers and sisters.” Baker’s adoption record was broken by actress Mia Farrow...Frank Sinatra’s ex and Woody Allen’s muse until he sucked face with her teen Korean daughter, Soon Yi. This secular saint’s Rainbow Tribe consists of 14 ethnically diverse kids (many disabled) and an ex-husband who was still married when their courtship began. Like Angelina and Madonna, Mama Mia also regularly visits Africa to do battle for the health and safety of kids. Hmm, the misery of one cheated on wife versus the happiness and well-being of millions of children…We can’t afford to be petty.

Quote of the Day.....

"Frank's bigger than THAT!"

Ava Gardner to Grace Kelly, after flipping up a Masai warrior's
loincloth on the Mogambo set to reveal a humonguous male member.

Little did sultry Ava know that the demure future
Princess of Monaco already knew this fact FIRST-HAND
about Ava's husband, Frank Sinatra.

Thursday, March 22, 2007



We'd like to invite our readers to enjoy our new column in THE BEVERLY HILLS SHEET, online at www. Beverly Hills Check out the April/May issue on page 14 and join the fun!!!

Tuesday, February 13, 2007


There is a profound difference between these two tragic, boozy, drug addled sexpots. Both magnetized public derision and private desires, but Marilyn Monroe had talent while Anna Nicole Smith couldn’t even spell it. Though Anna idolized Marilyn, even renting the L.A. house where Marilyn fatally overdosed, she never had Marilyn’s ambition to excel intellectually or as an actress. Though both were narcissists and exhibitionists, Marilyn could be introspective and charitable. As a famous movie star, Marilyn took beginner Method Acting classes with Lee Strasberg. She avidly discussed Kierkegaard (“Once you label me, you negate me”) at Brooklyn poet Norman Rosten’s literary salon. Anna Nicole giggled proudly: “I can’t read or write,” when she got hired as a columnist for the National Enquirer. Marilyn cut short her honeymoon with Joe DiMaggio to entertain the soldiers in Korea. Anna Nicole opted for hotel and nightclub freebies, entertaining herself instead of the troops in Iraq. Marilyn was in psychotherapy her entire adult life searching for peace. Anna Nicole left the Betty Ford Clinic after 6 days to rejoin the 3-ring circus that was her life. Marilyn Monroe was mentally ill. Anna Nicole was simply dumb.


Twenty-four hours after Anna Nicole Smith's death, over 2,700 items with her likeness, including bobblehead dolls and poker chips, were listed on eBay. Another website offered 20 different T-shirts honoring the terminally tacky celeb, the most popular: "I fathered Anna Nicole's baby and all I got was this stupid T-shirt". DVD sales for Anna Nicole's reality show are skyrocketing since her passing, up and amazing 180,000 percent on, while the ranking soared from 27,014 to 15.

(c) 2007, Sistarrs International

Thursday, February 08, 2007


CELEBS FLASHING THE PINK. Listen up, Paris, Britney and Lindsay…You party girls DID NOT invent snatch flashing or the prodigious use of mind altering substances. One needs the equilibrium of a Whirling Dervish to keep up with all the Old Hollywood gals who exhibited their privates to a panting world. Hedy Lamarr, a delectable Austrian pastry, made her screen debut flashing full frontal nudity in the silent movie, Ecstasy. The actress became a Hollywood screen legend in Cecil B. DeMille’s epic, Samson & Delilah. Hedy invented the technology for the cellphone, but let the patent lapse. Others made millions. Paris, ever hear of Tallulah Bankhead, an aristocratic Southern Belle whose daddy was the U.S. Speaker of the House, third in line for the Presidency? This sexy actress was by her own admission “as pure as the driven slush”. Born over a 100 years ago, Tallulah smoked 100 cigarettes a day, drank cases of gin and bourbon daily, and carried a suitcase full of drugs, declaring: “Cocaine isn’t habit forming. I should know, I’ve been using it for years.” Tallulah went to parties nude, wearing only a single strand of pearls as she sat on a baby grand warbling. She was an avid bisexual who slept with hundreds of men AND women, including Hattie McDaniel (the first black actress to win an Oscar portraying “Mammy” in Gone With The Wind), Greta Garbo and Russian born silent film star Nazimova, the lesbian godmother of former First Lady Nancy Reagan. Tallulah once observed: “My daddy warned me about men and liquor, but he never mentioned women and cocaine.” Unlike Paris, Britney and Lindsay, Tallulah knew from irony and wit. But like them, Tallulah was a shameless flasher of the pink to EVERYONE. While making the Oscar winning Alfred Hitchcock movie, Lifeboat, she never wore panties and loved to shock the cast and crew by climbing up a ladder to the boat, skirt purposely hiked up to publicly expose her privates. When 20th Century Fox head Darryl Zanuck demanded that Hitchcock do something, the director contemptuously replied: “It’s not my department.” The studio chief demanded: “Well, whose department is it?” Hitchcock pondered for a moment, then answered: “Wardrobe or…perhaps hairdressing.”

MR. PRESIDENT, YOU AIN’T NOTHIN’ BUT A HORNDOG. Producer/actor Ashton Kutcher recalls the time he and his wife Demi Moore met the 42nd President of the United States: “Bill Clinton was the only President I ever met, but it was like I wasn’t there. HE WAS HITTING ON MY WIFE.” Many wish the Prez would have been so single minded in his pursuit of Osama Bin Laden, and nailed HIM in the Sudan in the mid 90’s.

DEAD STARS SELL THE GOODS. The style and panache of Old Hollywood is the gift that keeps giving. Audrey Hepburn, dead for 13 years is in an ad campaign for the Gap, elegantly dancing in a scene from Funny Face, a movie she made 50 years ago. The spot hawks slender, black Gap jeans for a New Millenium of consumers. The ever magical Hepburn joins her departed co-stars Fred Astaire (Dirt Devil), John Wayne (Coors) and Humphrey Bogart (Diet Coke & Thomasville Furniture) on the posthumous marketing campaign trail.

ALL SHRINKS TO GREY’S ANATOMY, STAT! Why is the brilliant producer/writer
Shondra Rhimes allowing the boorish Isaiah Washington to sabotage her groundbreaking network mega-hit? FIRE HIM! Why hasn’t this violent thespian had a criminal conviction for his long list of violent transgressions on numerous productions? From the allegations against Mr. Washington, it would appear he’s an equal opportunity rageaholic. Last fall, the pretend doctor assaulted his co-star Patrick Dempsey on the set, choking him after Dr. McDreamy defended castmate T. R. Knight against Washington’s homophobic slur. After Grey’s Anatomy won a Golden Globe for Best TV Series Drama, Washington grabbed the mike from producer Rhimes in front of the entire cast to announce: “No, I did not call T.R. a $#@. Never happened…” Rhimes giggled nervously instead of verbally clocking him.To save his job, Washington entered a 30-day rehab, but was released after a week of counseling, miraculously exorcising his demons in record time. The poster boy for anger management’s hit parade: During filming of the TV show High Incident, Washington got into a fight with a crew member that was vicious enough for the police to be called in. They handcuffed Washington and took him off in a squad car. “He grabbed my throat, choking me. Then he picked me up and threw me over the couch,” the alleged victim told The National Enquirer. While filming Soul Food for Showtime, Washington attacked his actress co-star with a “forceful, aggressive” kiss that caused her to scream. When Executive Producer Tracey Edmonds (“Babyface’s ex-wife) and the director stepped in to calm the situation, Washington went off on them, too. The hair trigger tempered actor also came to blows with a straight, black actor on the set of a play a few years back. Many show biz folks say Washington’s not anti-gay, he’s been angry toward EVERYBODY over the years. Isaiah Washington still has a bullet hole in his right leg, which he admits sustaining because, “I was young and dumb…And one day I popped off my mouth to the wrong person and got shot.” If Producer Rhimes doesn’t fire this guy, may we suggest she write Washington’s character as a newly uncloseted gay doc who plays steamy sex scenes with hot studmuffins for the show’s duration.


“Sometimes I wish Pam would turn lesbian.”
Pamela Anderson’s mother reflecting on her daughter’s
liaisons with Tommy Lee, Bret Michaels and Kid Rock.

“One inch less and he’d be the Queen of Hollywood.”
Carole Lombard’s yardstick appraisal of her
hubby Clark Gable

(c) 2007, Sistarrs International