MADONNA'S BABY DADDY CRIES FOUL

After an international ping pong match between new adoptive mom Madonna, the world press and outraged international adoption rights groups, Babydonna now has another volley to return. Seems Yohane Banda, the birth dad of 13-month old David, now claims he wasn't fully informed that he was relinquishing legal custody of his child permanently. "I am just realizing the meaning of 'adoption'," the illiterate Banda told the press. "If we were told she wants to take the baby as her own, we would not have consented, because I see no reason I should give up my son." However, the Malawi farmer added that he does not want his son returned to the orphanage.

Fear not concerned citizens of the world! It has just been announced that Madonna will explain all to us Oct. 25th through the benevolent god of talk shows, Oprah Winfrey. We'd like to ask the Material Girl, known in certain circles as Esther, a few questions of our own. (1) With your iconoclastic view of the Catholic Church and its foibles, how could you take a missionary position in regard to your $3 donation to Malawi schools & orphanages, stipulating that teaching Kabbalah to kids is a condition for the gift? (2) Is it true that you were set to adopt a California orphan until a dinner with Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt convinced you to adopt an African tot? (3) Have you consulted Mia Farrow who began adopting Third World and disabled tots in the 60's and ended up with 13 children? (4) Is channeling entertainer extraordinaire and ex-patriate (like yourself) Josephine Baker on your "must do" list? Baker fled racism in '20s America to find fame & glory in Paris dancing with only bananas around her waist. She went on to adopt 12 children of different ethnicities which she called her Rainbow Tribe to prove that different races could live in harmony. Viva adoptive show biz parents!!

ANNA NICOLE'S SON BURIED ON DAY 39

A cemetery in the Bahamas was the scene last Thursday afternoon for tragic Daniel Smith's burial. He was laid to rest in a mahogany casket wearing his favorite trucker cap and jeans. His mother ANNA NICOLE SMITH wore a couture mourner's outfit custom-made by the same designer who made her faux wedding gown. In the obscenely long period between Daniel's death from a drug overdose, his mother: (1) sold the last known photos of her son with his new baby sister for $600,000, (2) staged a fake wedding with her long time personal lawyer, claiming that he and not photographer Larry Birkhead is the baby's daddy. She sold those photos for close to a $1 million, (3) allegedly bribed the Bahamian government to fast track her citizenship application to avoid being legally forced to submit to paternity tests. Anna Nicole was heard screaming at Daniel's funeral: "I don't want a husband, I want my son!"

Here's a question we'd like to ask: Daniel took 7 times the prescribed dosage for both Zoloft and Methadone. He was depressed, that explains the antidepressants in his system. But where did he get the Methadone? Anna Nicole's been accused by the alleged father of her daughter, Larry Birkhead, of being a Methadone addict who was admitted to rehab in the 7th month of her pregnancy. Why is there no investigation as to how Daniel got the Methadone?

PARIS IS A SKANK AND A PRUDE...ISN'T THAT AN OXYMORON?

Former Backstreet Boy Nick Carter, ex-boyfriend of Paris Hilton, tattles to the British tabloid, News of the World, that the airhead heiress is not the bomb, but a sexual dud in bed because she was wasted on drugs. He told Georgina Dickinson that, "She was a drunken prude who as far as I can see did not really like sex. She relied on drinks to give her confidence in the bedroom and was more often than not too wasted to even perform. I lost count of the nights I had to pick her off the floor and drag her to bed passed out." He went on to say that she was so hooked on drugs that she smuggled it on airplanes in teddy bears!

Who says chivalry is dead?! Nick's reality show with the IQ challenged Carter clan is a red neck grudge match that never ends. It should be called "The Thrilla in Vanilla"...As for Paris' libido, we told you months ago that she herself admitted that she wasn't that into sex and that her boyfriends were sorely disappointed with having to wake her up in the middle of sex for a call on her sidekick...Paris liberate yourself. Close the shop to all foreign invaders for awhile.

TOM CRUISING FOR A BRUISING

It seems the actor's couch jumping and psychiatry bashing caused a mass exodus of lots of his fans. Even his apology to Brooke Shields after he publicly criticized her for taking medication for postpartum depression couldn't add luster to his tarnished image. Once Tom Cruise ranked among the 10 most popular stars in opinion polls by Marketing Evaluations Inc. He now ranks a bleak No. 650.

What a fascinating lesson in the power of today's Hollywood publicist. Once he fired his long-time publicist, Pat Kingsley, and hired his fellow Scientologist sister, all hell broke loose. Mr. Nice Guy or fanatical cultist with a superiority complex: will the real Tom Cruise please stand up, 3 inch lifts and all!

QUESTION OF THE DAY

Which Hollywood fitness fanatic and leading man has his hairline back thanks to surgery and Rogaine? Unfortunately, Mr. Stud Muffin now requires more Viagara than Hugh Hefner to flex a certain muscle for the ladies due to side effects of the drug treatment.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"Honey, one inch less and he'd be the Queen of Hollywood."

Actress Carole Lombard, observing that size DOES count, during her marriage to the King of Hollywood, Clark Gable.

HAVING A GAS AT A POLITICAL RALLY VERBOTEN!!

Police in Poland have extended their dragnet and gone to Interpol for help in the search for a political dissident who passed gas when asked what he thought of the President. Hubert Hoffman, 45, charged with "contempt for the office of the head of state", failed to show up for his trial on the charge, setting off the manhunt.


Now, be the FIRST to go out and spin the down and dirty truths behind the headlines...

MARILYN SHTUPPED ELVIS!!

Let's get real...who didn't the blonde bombshell sleep with?! A SALACIOUS 50-year old Hollywood secret is finally out: Marilyn slept with Elvis after being delivered to his hotel room by a William Morris agent, Byron Raphael. The agent tells Page Six that The King ordered him to pick up Marilyn Monroe at an apartment she shared with actress Shelley Winters.

"When he saw her, they came together and, without saying a word, started kissing. I was in shock and I didn't know what to do. Then Marilyn who was 10 years older, said: 'You're pretty good for a guitar player.'

"After two minutes, they went into the bedroom and I didn't know if I was supposed to leave, or stay and wait for them, so I sort of dozed off. The next thing I knew I was startled awake by the door opening and I dove behind the bar. And they both walked out stark naked. I didn't say a word. I just stayed quietly."

Marilyn was known to skip the hellos when meeting folks and heading straight to carnal territory. She must've circled the "E's" in the alphabet twice as she also slept with Einstein. Shelley Winters , her roommate at the time, reported seeing an autographed photo of the Genius of the 20th Century inscribed to Marilyn: "With love and respect and THANKS." (See our blog: "Here lies Marilyn Monroe: 38-23-36"). Marilyn was always looking for a father, which is why she slept with movie idol Clark Gable. Whether she had a sexual liaison with screen legend Joan Crawford to fulfill a mommy craving is unclear. Crawford wanted another round, Marilyn said she preferred guys.Yes, folks...there is such a thing as women who love too much!!

"Just Asking" from the Always On The Money Page Six...

"Which recently rehabbed celebrity is back on the sauce? The guy just can't stay away from the booze...or the women, much to his wife's distress."

Happy birthday to a billionaire gossip columnist...

Birthday greetings to the elegant man-about-town and Greek shipping heir, Taki Theodoracopulos on his 70th celebrated in London at the famed Annabelle's with a dinner dance for the billionaire and titled set. Guests at the million dollar extravaganza included King Constantine and Queen Anne Marie of Greece, designer Caroline Herrera and two hundred other jet setters. Thanks, Taki, for mentioning the Starr Sisters in your renowned column in The Sunday Times of London. Here's to your next 70 fabulous years!!

EAT DIRT!!

A granny in India says she stays healthy by eating a little more than 2 pounds of sand a day. Ram Rati, 80, considers sand an essential part of her diet and eats it before breakfast, lunch and afternoon tea.

This beats anorexia, bulimia or cartons of cigarettes. Just think, if your dirt is lucky enough to have a few earth worms, you'll for sure get your daily requirement of protein!!

Now, be the FIRST to go out and spin the down and dirty truths behind the headlines...