KRAMER IN THE KRAPPER

Michael Richards joined the Mel Gibson chapter of Bigots Not So Anonymous last Saturday night at West Hollywood's "Laugh Factory" when he threw despicable racial epithets at an audience member who didn't think the comedian's act funny.

We've viewed the exclusive footage footage obtained by TMZ and feel that full disclosure without any censoring is important for fans of Richards' to make an informed decision as to their idol's REAL character.

The guy who played the lovable buffoon Kramer in the smash TV sitcom Seinfeld went ballistic when a black man yelled out: "My friend doesn't think your funny!" Suddenly things went right into the toilet as Richards channeled a Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard and took a huge dump on the audience member. He screamed: "Shut up! Fifty years ago we'd have you upside down with a f****ing fork up your ass"

Continuing his shocking stream of racial venom and profanities, the imploding comic spewed his toxic waste. "Throw his ass out! He's a nigger! He's a nigger! He's a nigger! A nigger, look there's a nigger!"

One of the club patrons who was being insulted, shouted back: "That was uncalled for...un***ing called for..."

The crowd was visibly and audibly upset, to which Richards responds: "They're gonna arrest me for calling a black man a nigger?"

Most of the audience appeared to leave as it eventually sunk in that a lynching by language is no laughing matter.

This incident comes as no surprise to us. Five years ago, a Hollywood producer told us: "Michael Richards is the most miserable, unhappy man in this town."

Michael Richards and Mel Gibson should be exiled to "Fantasy Island" for all eternity with a single box of stale matzoh slathered with out-of-date chitlins and a toilet that doesn't flush, to be shared WITH Adolf Hitler, Jesse Helms and the evangelical hypocrite Reverend Ted Haggard.

TomKat Wedding: Long kiss...short bliss?

As Santayana once theorized: "Those who do not remember the past are bound to repeat it."

Globe trotting, out of this world Scientologist Tom Cruise reportedly kissed his bride, the talented, formerly unchained independent star known as Katie Holmes, for an embarrassingly long three plus minutes. Georgio Armani, who designed the $2.5 million gown, tattled about the "never-ending" kiss that had guests begging for a peckectomy (removal of a perpetual lip lock).

The newlyweds might be staying in the Eternal City, but Tom's memory is short.

Remember the glitzy, gaudy nuptials of the allegedly gay David Gest and Liza Minnelli, the superstar diva with a lavender family tree...A gay grandfather (Judy Garland's father), a gay father (MGM director Vincente Minnelli) and a gay ex-husband (the late and great Peter Allen). Well, this odd couple's marriage lasted for less time than the "kiss the bride" buss which appalled ALL of the guests and had hapless TV viewers heading for the vomitorium.

So, okay, we are not convinced that a long wedding kiss means connubial bliss.

While Liza invited the whole world and a few extraterrestials to her wedding, Tom conspicuously left talking show queens Oprah and Barbara Walters off the coveted guest list. Hey, you have a real "Mission Impossible", Tom...getting back in their good graces. Walters says you swore to invite her, and what's up with dissing Oprah? Do you blame her for YOUR jumping on the couch meltdown? She didn't do anything...the culprit was the springs in your elevator shoes! Good move, lovebirds, inviting Poster Mom Brooke Shields, the target of Tom's post-partum drug tirade. We hope her writer hubby Chris Henchy, is penning a fabulous satire to rival the brilliant Christopher Guest's work.

By the way, speculation is rampant about the official wedding photo which has the vertically challenged superstar Tom the same height as his statuesque hostage, oops, we mean bride. Some theories: She's bending her knees under the wedding dress. She took off her shoes or is standing in a ditch. They dug a hole where Katie is standing and Tom had to step on Giorgio Armani's cigar box collection.

The honeymoon in the remote Maldives will be attended by their best man, the head of the Church of Scientology. No kidding!

We have a beef with the $2.5 million wedding dress with thousands of hand sewn beads. There is an Italian seamstress that is NOW legally blind, and at least two African nations that could've fed their starving citizenry for a few years. TomKat, international PR wisdom says: "Get thee to a Malawi orphanage, anon!"

SUNDAY IS WORLD TOILET DAY...

**The average person visits the toilet 2,500 times a year or 6 to 8 times a day. You spend about three years in the toilet (unless you're Michael Richards).

**When Madonna performed last year on the German TV show Wetten Dass, she refused to use their toilets. The show's producers had to use a crane to bring Madonna's own personal huge luxury toilet into the grounds.

**A woman spends, on average, three times longer than a man on each toilet visit, yet there are usually the same number of public toilets for men and women. Girls Unite! More Johns!

**Queen Elizabeth has to have a new toilet seat EVERYWHERE she visits. It is then destroyed if she "goes" and makes Number One and/or Number Two.

SINGAPORE...WHERE ETIQUETTE REIGNS SUPREME

In the Chinese city where you get your ass caned for littering and for graffiti, they take enforcing good manners to a whole new dimension. In Singapore, it is illegal to have oral sex if it does not lead to full intercourse.

Early Christmas Joke

The three wise men show up to visit the child in the stable. One of the Magi, the good King Balthazar, was Shaq O'Neal tall. He banged his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed.

"Write that down," Joseph told Mary. "It beats Murray!"

Now, be the FIRST to go out and spin the down and dirty truths behind today's headlines...

ANNA NICOLE'S MOTHER ALLEGES MURDER PLOT...

The Anna Nicole Smith spin just keeps spinning out of control. Now her mother, Virgie Arthur, says she believes that her grandson Daniel's death from a drug overdose may have been MURDER. The bereaved Texas grandma told Nancy Grace on CNN Headline News that she thinks the perp was in the hospital room at the time of his death. Mmm...the only folks in that room other than poor Daniel were Anna Nicole and her full service personal attorney, Howard K. Stern, who claims that he, and not Larry Birkhead, is Anna Nicole's baby daddy. Is your head spinnin' faster than the kid in the "Exorcist" yet?!

Granny "Smith", a former cop, said of Daniel's lethal overdose of methadone and antidepressants: "Somebody had to give it to him. He had to get it from somewhere." Leaving little doubt as to the Blame Name, she talked to Grace about attorney Stern marrying Anna Nicole legally and being in line to inherit her millions if anything should happen to her. "If Howard Stern marries her and she ends up dead, then who does the money go [to]? Danny's not there," Granny hypothesised.

TMZ obtained a copy of the birth certificate of Anna Nicole's daughter, Dannielynn, which names attorney Stern as the father. Her marriage to him AND legal demands from Larry Birkhead for a paternity test can't be far off.

Lions and tigers and now murder, oh, my!! We hope to resolve at least one issue next week in our podcast: "Anna Nicole Smith's Baby Daddy Revealed". Stay tuned!!

MEL GIBSON...What would Jesus do?

Eyewitnesses report that allegedly contrite alcoholic actor Mel Gibson yelled at a young man who accused him of being anti-Jewish outside a Malibu church last week: "I'm not anti-semitic. You F**CKING better apologize right now!!" The devout Christian family man allegedly pointed his finger at the young man in a menacing manner. One witness opined that the judge should have sentenced Mr. Gibson to Rageaholics Anonymous, as well as AA.

MADONNA...AT LONG LAST MADAM, HAVE YOU NO SHAME?

After strapping herself to a crucifix, straddling a human horse in bondage gear and then recreating herself as a children's book author who spreads the gospel of Kabbalah to Third World countries as a condition of a $3 million donation for education... Madonna's outdone even Madonna THIS time. Cutting threw the red tape of years on an adoption wait list, Madonna went to an orphanage and got herself a one-year old boy from the impoverished African AIDS plagued nation of Malawi. Only problem is he's not an orphan. His mom died at childbirth and his dad and granny, who love him dearly, don't have enough money to keep him. Universal outrage is building that Madonna should have waited her turn AND given money to the tot's dad to raise him in his African homeland.

If this is a publicity stunt for her new children's book coming out October 24, all we can say is retitle it: "The ABC's of staying on top for 25 years: Use your crayons, boys and girls, to copy dead sexpots, S&M mistresses, then make the transition to a new persona with a dead Madonna/whore named Evita until you slide into the revered Dr. Seuss slot as a children's author, then complete this latest incarnation with a copycat adoption of a Third World child just like Josephine Baker in the 20's with her Rainbow Tribe of 12 kids, Mia Farrow in the 60's with her brood of 13, and Angelina Jolie with her adorable Ethiopian and Cambodian adopted tots in the New Millenium."

Suggestion for your next kid's book: "Proust for Children as told in one, long unpunctuated sentence by the major domo chameleon of the 20th & 21st centuries, Madonna, call me Esther..."

GOD TRIPS CAN BE DANGEROUS...

Reuters, Kiev, Ukraine - A man shouting that God would keep him safe was mauled to death by a lioness in the Kiev zoo after he crept into the animal's enclosure, a zoo official said Monday.

The man shouted, "God will save me, if he exists," lowered himself by a rope into the enclosure, took his shoes off and went up to the lions," the official said.

"A lioness went straight for him, knocked him down and severed his carotid artery."

This Ukrainian obviously forgot to heed that Old Russian Proverb: "Pray by all means, but keep rowing to shore."


Now, be the FIRST to go out and spin the down and dirty truths behind the headlines...

FAMILY VALUES

ANTIDOTE TO PARIS & LINDSAY'S HIGH SCHOOL RELATIONSHIP ANTICS

There are mature, deep loving relationships that still exist in the 21st century. Cindy Adams in today's NY Post writes about the special love shared by the late Aussie Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin and his American born wife Terri and the devastation of his sudden death.

"Two-year old BOB, (Steve's son), doesn't know his father is gone. He asks: "When is daddy coming home?" The other day when the family was packing Steve's camping gear, Bob smiled, "Mmmm, smells like daddy." Speaking to Star magazine this week, widow Terri's parents, Julie and Clarence Raines of Eugene, Ore. say Terri will "absolutely" now be more cautious with her children around animals. "Things have changed...We were all shocked." About the little Irwin family: "Kids need play time, but Terri s so distraught, she's overcome with sadness. They were madly in love. Their connection was beyond this Earth!"

The animals have lost their best friend and the world has lost an exuberant prince whose likes will not be seen again. His larger than life spirit can never be extinguished. Deepest sympathy to his lovely family.

SOMETIMES BEING A COPYCAT IS A GOOD THING...

As we wrote in our blog, "Madonna: The World's Greatest Female Impersonator" nobody does it better or more brilliantly "and now she's taking a page from Angelina's playbook and donating $3 million to the AIDS ravaged African nation of Malawi". Well, according to the world press, it looks like the Material Girl is upping the ante to Angelina's adoption of an Ethiopian AIDS orphan: Madonna's reportedly flying to Malawi with director hubby Guy Ritchie to adopt TWINS or SIBLINGS.

According to the British newspaper The People: "Originally Madonna and Guy planned to adopt only one child. But when they were told that might mean breaking up a family unit they immediately said they would take siblings or twins if that was the right thing to do..."

Ain't it grand that the new Hollywood game of one-upsmanship is not about material luxuries, but philanthrophy on an up close and personal level. Thank goodness the world's orphans can now find comfortable homes and rosy futures because Hollywood's superstars are looking for meaning beyond the material!!