TINSELTOWN: SEX, TATTOOS & DIET

PAMELA ANDERSON AND GANDHI: SEXY VEGETARIANS…The former Baywatch babe seduces her carnivorous fans by cooing: “For the best orgasm ever, go vegetarian.” PETA spokesperson Pam Anderson gives full credit to her vegan diet for her intense, stupendous sex life. Her buddy Bill Maher adds: “Meat is dirty. I wouldn’t touch a hot dog without a condom on it.”

The highly sexed Hindu vegetarian Mohandas Gandhi agreed with Pam about diet and orgasms. His vow of celibacy led to a titanic struggle to remain sexually abstinent, “It’s like living on the sword’s edge,” the randy Mahatma moaned. He left the marital bed forever after his fourth kid, but later caused a scandal by sleeping with young naked girls to keep him warm and to test his resolve. Gandhi also shared Pam’s passion for safeguarding animals from wanton cruelty: “The greatness of a nation can be judged by the way it treats its animals.” Pam, who obviously loves the animals in her life, admits to having “monkey sex” with former hubby Tommy Lee. She went after Madison Avenue ad agencies for using chimps and apes in commercials. The mammary maven even demanded a boycott of KFC, complaining that modern chickens are “so top heavy they can’t walk.” SAY WHAT?! The scantily clad Gandhi must be smiling on the scantily clad Pam from his stone sarcophagus at the Lake Shrine on Sunset Boulevard. Yes, even the great Mahatma had a Hollywood connection. The late Hindu holy man Yogananda, the founder of this Self-Realization sect, was Gandhi’s yoga teacher and Elvis Presley’s spiritual guru. Ah, Tinseltown: land of oxymorons…

TATTOO ME TWO…The latest Hollywood fad is matching tattoos for lovebirds.
Britney Spears and Kevin Federline inked identical dice tattoos following their wedding. That gamble didn’t pay off. David Beckham and his wife Victoria (formerly “Posh Spice”) sport matching Hebrew tattoos which translate to: “I am my beloved and my beloved is mine.” Angelina Jolie has a Buddhist prayer with Sanskrit symbols on her shoulder, a prayer of protection for her little Cambodian son, Maddox. After hooking up with Angelina, Brad Pitt got his first permanent tattoo, the very same Buddhist prayer, etched forever above his tuchas. Angelina and former hubby Billy Bob Thornton had each other’s names perma-inked on their bodies, too. The “Lara Croft” star plunged into a world of pain when she had the name “Billy Bob” removed from her labia. Ouch!

FAVORITE QUOTES OF THE DAY:

“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited
about nothing…and then marry HIM.”
Cher, who thought Mount Rushmore was a natural phenomenon


“I’ve given up reading books: I find it takes my mind off myself.”
Oscar Levant, famous neurotic genius and hypochondriac

“My wife and I were happy for 20 years…THEN we met.”
Rodney Dangerfield, who got plenty of respect elsewhere

“We want to have Brooklyn christened, but we are not sure
into which religion!”
David Beckham, on his son, Brooklyn. Jewish is definitely out!

“You know you’re trailer trash when you think loading the dishwasher
means getting your wife drunk.”
Overheard at the Polo Lounge

StarrSisters@gmail.com

WE'RE NOW BEVERLY HILLS GOSSIP COLUMNISTS!!

THE STARR SISTERS: OLD AND NEW HOLLYWOOD

We'd like to invite our readers to enjoy our new column in THE BEVERLY HILLS SHEET, online at www. Beverly Hills Sheet.com. Check out the April/May issue on page 14 and join the fun!!!

OLD & NEW HOLLYWOOD GO CRAZY!!

CELEBS FLASHING THE PINK. Listen up, Paris, Britney and Lindsay…You party girls DID NOT invent snatch flashing or the prodigious use of mind altering substances. One needs the equilibrium of a Whirling Dervish to keep up with all the Old Hollywood gals who exhibited their privates to a panting world. Hedy Lamarr, a delectable Austrian pastry, made her screen debut flashing full frontal nudity in the silent movie, Ecstasy. The actress became a Hollywood screen legend in Cecil B. DeMille’s epic, Samson & Delilah. Hedy invented the technology for the cellphone, but let the patent lapse. Others made millions. Paris, ever hear of Tallulah Bankhead, an aristocratic Southern Belle whose daddy was the U.S. Speaker of the House, third in line for the Presidency? This sexy actress was by her own admission “as pure as the driven slush”. Born over a 100 years ago, Tallulah smoked 100 cigarettes a day, drank cases of gin and bourbon daily, and carried a suitcase full of drugs, declaring: “Cocaine isn’t habit forming. I should know, I’ve been using it for years.” Tallulah went to parties nude, wearing only a single strand of pearls as she sat on a baby grand warbling. She was an avid bisexual who slept with hundreds of men AND women, including Hattie McDaniel (the first black actress to win an Oscar portraying “Mammy” in Gone With The Wind), Greta Garbo and Russian born silent film star Nazimova, the lesbian godmother of former First Lady Nancy Reagan. Tallulah once observed: “My daddy warned me about men and liquor, but he never mentioned women and cocaine.” Unlike Paris, Britney and Lindsay, Tallulah knew from irony and wit. But like them, Tallulah was a shameless flasher of the pink to EVERYONE. While making the Oscar winning Alfred Hitchcock movie, Lifeboat, she never wore panties and loved to shock the cast and crew by climbing up a ladder to the boat, skirt purposely hiked up to publicly expose her privates. When 20th Century Fox head Darryl Zanuck demanded that Hitchcock do something, the director contemptuously replied: “It’s not my department.” The studio chief demanded: “Well, whose department is it?” Hitchcock pondered for a moment, then answered: “Wardrobe or…perhaps hairdressing.”

MR. PRESIDENT, YOU AIN’T NOTHIN’ BUT A HORNDOG. Producer/actor Ashton Kutcher recalls the time he and his wife Demi Moore met the 42nd President of the United States: “Bill Clinton was the only President I ever met, but it was like I wasn’t there. HE WAS HITTING ON MY WIFE.” Many wish the Prez would have been so single minded in his pursuit of Osama Bin Laden, and nailed HIM in the Sudan in the mid 90’s.

DEAD STARS SELL THE GOODS. The style and panache of Old Hollywood is the gift that keeps giving. Audrey Hepburn, dead for 13 years is in an ad campaign for the Gap, elegantly dancing in a scene from Funny Face, a movie she made 50 years ago. The spot hawks slender, black Gap jeans for a New Millenium of consumers. The ever magical Hepburn joins her departed co-stars Fred Astaire (Dirt Devil), John Wayne (Coors) and Humphrey Bogart (Diet Coke & Thomasville Furniture) on the posthumous marketing campaign trail.

ALL SHRINKS TO GREY’S ANATOMY, STAT! Why is the brilliant producer/writer
Shondra Rhimes allowing the boorish Isaiah Washington to sabotage her groundbreaking network mega-hit? FIRE HIM! Why hasn’t this violent thespian had a criminal conviction for his long list of violent transgressions on numerous productions? From the allegations against Mr. Washington, it would appear he’s an equal opportunity rageaholic. Last fall, the pretend doctor assaulted his co-star Patrick Dempsey on the set, choking him after Dr. McDreamy defended castmate T. R. Knight against Washington’s homophobic slur. After Grey’s Anatomy won a Golden Globe for Best TV Series Drama, Washington grabbed the mike from producer Rhimes in front of the entire cast to announce: “No, I did not call T.R. a $#@. Never happened…” Rhimes giggled nervously instead of verbally clocking him.To save his job, Washington entered a 30-day rehab, but was released after a week of counseling, miraculously exorcising his demons in record time. The poster boy for anger management’s hit parade: During filming of the TV show High Incident, Washington got into a fight with a crew member that was vicious enough for the police to be called in. They handcuffed Washington and took him off in a squad car. “He grabbed my throat, choking me. Then he picked me up and threw me over the couch,” the alleged victim told The National Enquirer. While filming Soul Food for Showtime, Washington attacked his actress co-star with a “forceful, aggressive” kiss that caused her to scream. When Executive Producer Tracey Edmonds (“Babyface’s ex-wife) and the director stepped in to calm the situation, Washington went off on them, too. The hair trigger tempered actor also came to blows with a straight, black actor on the set of a play a few years back. Many show biz folks say Washington’s not anti-gay, he’s been angry toward EVERYBODY over the years. Isaiah Washington still has a bullet hole in his right leg, which he admits sustaining because, “I was young and dumb…And one day I popped off my mouth to the wrong person and got shot.” If Producer Rhimes doesn’t fire this guy, may we suggest she write Washington’s character as a newly uncloseted gay doc who plays steamy sex scenes with hot studmuffins for the show’s duration.

QUOTES OF THE DAY.

“Sometimes I wish Pam would turn lesbian.”
Pamela Anderson’s mother reflecting on her daughter’s
liaisons with Tommy Lee, Bret Michaels and Kid Rock.

“One inch less and he’d be the Queen of Hollywood.”
Carole Lombard’s yardstick appraisal of her
hubby Clark Gable

(c) 2007, Sistarrs International

STARS SEARCH FOR MAGIC BEYOND FAME & FORTUNE

Everyone can be a spiritual Rocky, everyone can be a winner, the famous and the ordinary, by connecting the dots on the roadmap leading to your own vision of heaven.

Stars are searching for something beyond the money, the glamour and the fame. They want it ALL, and are turning to ancient teachings and practices to provide the blueprint to their happiness and peace of mind.

The Kabbalah

This 2,000 year old Jewish book of mysticism, shrouded in mystery for centuries and taught to a precious few rabbis, is alleged to contain the secret code to deciphering life. It is no wonder that in an age of computers, this religious/scientific doctrine is gaining popularity.

Demi Moore & Ashton Kutcher and Naomi Judd are drawn to the "mind-body aspect", while Madonna cites her interest in the Kabbalistic belief that, "Every action of every minute is connected to future events. Therefore, we are responsible for our own destiny. We are the producers, directors and writers of our own movie, our life, which has a beginning, middle and end." Her adopted Malawi tot, David Banda, will be in the pre-K program at the Kabbalah Center, founded by the indestructible, ever reincarnating diva.

Dolly Parton, Barbra Streisand, Roseanne are among the growing number of celebrities immersed in studying Kabbalah. Britney Spears and Paris Hilton have dabbled and been photographed wearing the Kabbalah fashionista accessory, the red string bracelet (believed to ward off evil spirits).

Streisand waxes rhapsodic about the Cabalistic concept of of soul connection, the idea that only when you've learned certain lessons do you meet your soulmate. "And I've met mine," she coos about hubby James Brolin. "It's important to be positive about everything negative in your life. A positive spin propels us ahead to success."

Like Buddhism, Kabbalah teaches that reincarnation is necessary for soul perfection. Many lifetimes, many lessons learned. It is rumored that the Catholic Church taught reincarnation until the head of state, Emperor Constantine, became the head of the church. The original manuscripts of these teachings are alleged to be in a vault in the Vatican archives.

Many stars believe in reincarnation for a good reason. They've experience it in THIS lifetime.
Michelle Pfeiffer, Rod Stewart, Elvis Presley, Bruce Willis and Demi Moore in their previous lives were: a supermarket checker, a gravedigger, a truckdriver, a bartender and a teenage runaway.

BUDDHISM

Buddhism is about getting enlightenment by getting out of the self. Many see it as a logical antidote to the ME obsession which brings unhappiness to many over-achievers. Richard Gere is buddies with the Dalai Lama and spends months on end visiting him in Tibet, staying in a tent, not the Llasa Hilton. Other Buddhists like Tina Turner, Goldie Hawn and Patrick Duffy have built altars in their mansions in their practice of "loving kindness". A Hollywood Zen master on the payroll of the stars says: "In Buddhism, we study the self. To study the self is to forget the self. To forget the self is to be enlightened by ALL things. All learning is unlearning. We must empty our mind of cherished notions and assumptions."

STEVEN SPIELBERG TEAMS UP WITH THE ANCIENTS

Steven Spielberg and Albert Einstein are both time travelers straddling a light beam. Both are mystics who plugged into the past to see the future. (That's how it's done folks. So be nice to the elderly!)

The five-tone vibration heard in Close Encounters was first heard by the ancient Greek mathematician Pythagoras. He discovered this five-tone scale and called it "The Music of the Spheres". As the 2,000 year old tale goes, no one but Pythagoras could hear this universal tone. But one day we would ALL hear it when we lived in harmony with ourselves and with each other.

So by having everyone hear this five-vibration tone emanating from the spaceship,
Spielberg shows us that the future comes to teach us what the ancients ALREADY knew.

In the movie ET, the ancient art of hands on healing is shown in a modern world. The positive energy from ET's lit finger touches and heals the little boy's cut finger. The little boy's profession of love tranforms the dying ET back to life and turns on his heart light. Spielberg, ever the avatar, shows us the timelessness of love as the alchemist for ALL miracles.

Oprah Winfrey says she's experienced amost 200 miracles since deciding to live in love. "I now approach EVERY single incident and person in my life as an opportunity to love and weave a web of goodness." This Christmas, Oprah and best friend Gayle King will be in South Africa setting up a school for orphaned, poor girls to train them to be tomorrow's leaders.

Secrets to a fabulous life...

Touched by an Angel was a huge hit because people ALWAYS feel good about love: heavenly and earthly. In a fast paced, perplexing world, a positive constant is reassuring. Everything and everybody and everyplace in every era are connected on the golden web of love that is manifested through signposts, prayer, intuition and the miracle of overcoming all adversity through faith in good.

As Penny Marshall says about her friend, Rosie O'Donnell: "Those who bring sunshine to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves."

Have a fabulous and exciting Holiday Season!! Enjoy the ride...

(c) 2006, Sistarrs International

P.S. May we squeal our heartfelt condolences to George Clooney on the loss of his significant other of 18 years...his potbellied pet pig Max. Gorgeous George admits to this being his longest relationship ever. But let's face it, Hog Heaven is a far better place than here for the arthritic, partially blind porcine partner. Max saved George during the 1994 earthquake when he oinked the star awake in their bed minutes before catastrophe struck. George's epitaph for Max should be what he once told reporters: "I love eating at Jewish restaurants. I can't stand anyone who'd eat a pig." RIP you menschy pig!

PAM AND KID IN RACE TO DIVORCE COURT

A sure fire way for celebs to make a final decision with their off again/on again love affairs is to get hitched. For four years Pam Anderson and the Kid Rocked and rolled through the vineyards of passion and kaput. Then three months ago they apparently got heat stroke in the south of France and tied the knot...NOT!

Monday morning they still couldn't keep their hands off of each other...in divorce court! According to TMZ.com, Kid's process server arrived with the divorce papers before the courthouse opened. HIS divorce documents were stamped at 8:35 a.m., five minutes after the clerk's office opened. Pam's process server lost the race, arriving 53 minutes later to file HER papers.

What happened to the Wholesome Twosome after no less than four wedding ceremonies: St. Tropez, Beverly Hills, Nashville and Detroit? Jet lag? Well, the groupie loving, booze guzzling, stripper addicted Kid ain't talkin' yet, but Pam's "close friends" are dropping some tidbits about as prolifically as a gaggle of New York pigeons...stool pigeons on crack.

"His male insecurity and major anger issues" were the deal breaker according to one friend.
Another Pam "insider" tattled to Page Six that a private screening of the hit mockumentary,
Borat, at Universal Studio's chief Ron Meyer's Beverly Hills home two weeks ago was the scene of a marital meltdown.

Seems Kid failed to get the running joke: the faux Kazakhstan journalist Borat (actor Sasha Baron Cohen) falls in love with the Baywatch babe after seeing Pam in a rerun, and drives cross-country to propose marriage to her. The friend told Page Six about the connubial explosion that took place at the screening.

"Bob (Kid Rock) started screaming at Pam, saying she had humiliated herself and telling her, 'You're nothing but a whore! You're a slut! How could you do that movie?' in front of everyone. It was very embarrassing."

Listen, Kid-do...what about your mass shtups with groupies on the road and your self-acknowledged addiction to strippers and porn stars? We'd say you qualify at the ballot box for male slut/whore...Have you never seen your beloved's website photos or the "Comedy Central Roast of Pam Anderson"? Ah, where does "love" go. The very things we love about a person in the good old days become evangelical judgements around divorce time.

The friend (or PR spin doctor?) continues: "Bob is a very unhappy man and angry man. Pam is very disenchanted and sad. You know there are reasons she never married him before...she knows now they never really went away."

Pam, who suffered a miscarriage last month (is it safe to have a kid with Kid when she's got Hepatitis C?) left her Malibu home with her kids for a Santa Monica Hotel while Kid packs up his shit and moves out.

Perhaps stars should have their fame and fortune put into escrow before going for a marriage license. If they had the same real life yardstick as the rest of us, they might give a little more thought to the toll of a divorce on the psyche, the kids and the bank account. A few months alone on Exile Island might help.

Quote of the Day

"I wish Pam would become a lesbian. Her taste in men is up her a**."

Pam's mom after her liaisons with Tommy Lee, Bret Michaels & Kid Rock.

For more salacious details, listen to Starr Secrets podcast: Pam Anderson & Gandhi: Sexy Vegetarians.

Unholy Trinity: Paris, Britney & Lindsay

We need a score card and the equilibrium of a Whirling Dervish to keep up with these three
gals who burn the candle at both ends and then some. The newly separated Britney Spears
has teamed up with her idol Paris Hilton for some tutelage in debauchery and work ethic middle fingering.

They've been clubbing until 6 in the morning causing workaholic Britney to miss recording sessions. The Baby Madonna's also taking skank fashion tips from her new best friend. Mimicking Paris, Britney's stopped wearing underwear and now flashes her crotch to the paparazzi. Her raison d'etre: "I gave birth for over 2 years and now I want to party."
Paris is now Britney's roommate at her Malibu mansion so that the two newfound "sisters" can operate more efficiently. K-Fed is lookin' mighty good in the rear view mirror...go know!

Paris kissed and made up recently with her former nemesis, Lindsay ("Firecrotch") Lohan,
and the two are out and about, arm in arm, flashing their pubes. Jeez, girls, don't be so cruel to the panty peddlers. They gotta hustle, too!

Listen, ladies, you didn't invent party girl perversions or snatch flashing. Ever hear of Tallulah Bankhead, a rich Southern Belle whose daddy was U.S. Speaker of the House, third in line for U.S. President? This sexy actress by her own admission was "as pure as the driven slush". Born a 100 years ago, Tallulah smoked over 100 cigarettes a day, drank cases of gin and bourbon daily, carried a suitcase full of drugs to help her sleep and declared: "Cocaine isn't habit forming. I should know, I've been using it for years."

The debutante/actress was nude most of the time. Her best friend wryly observed: "I don't know why Tallulah runs around naked. She has such pretty frocks." She was a bisexual who slept with hundreds of men and women, including Hattie McDaniel ("Mammy" in "Gone with the Wind"), Greta Garbo and silent film star Nazimova, the lesbian godmother of First Lady Nancy Reagan.

Like Paris, Lindsay and Britney, Tallulah was an unashamed exhibitionist who loved flashing her pubes to EVERYONE. While making the Oscar winning 1944 Alfred Hitchcock movie, "Lifeboat", she never wore underwear and loved shocking the cast and crew as she climbed up a ladder, skirt hiked up, and exposed ALL.

When the director was asked to do something, Hitchcock replied: "It's not my department." The complainer demanded: "Well, whose department is it?" Hitchcock thought for a moment and then said: "Wardrobe, or perhaps hairdressing."

What a dame! No wonder Demi Moore named her daughter for Tallulah.

For more salacious details, listen to next week's Starr Secrets podcast: "Anna Nicole Smith & Tallulah Bankhead: Dixie Girls Gone Wild!"

Update on "Kramer in the Krapper"

"Smart mouths opening to say apologies don't come cheap...Watch for newfound Michael Richards donations to Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson pet causes," says Cindy Adams in her New York Post column. Only in Cindy Adams, kids...this broad tells it straight.

Now, be the FIRST to go out and spin the down and dirty truths behind the headlines...

COURT TO BRITNEY: SEXPOTS CAN'T SUE

A Los Angeles judge tossed out Britney Spears' defamation lawsuit against US Weekly for
publishing rumors that she and her husband Kevin Federline had made a sex videotape.
The story appeared in the glossy tabloid on Oct. 17, 2005: "Brit and Kev: Secret Sex Tape? New parents have new worry."

Superior Court Judge Lisa Hart Cole ruled that the pop tart with the hypersexed public image cannot be defamed by this published report as, "the plaintiff herself has put her modern sexuality squarely, and profitably, before the public eye."

Let's get real! In this day and age, it's hardly actionable to allege that someone has made a sex videotape. Britney can't have it both ways. She's tongued Madonna in front of millions at the Grammy Awards, filmed her cheater husband stark naked for millions of reality show
gawkers and dressed like a lascivious Lolita strip queen for most of her uber-successful shows. If anyone has a beef it's PETA advocate Pamela Anderson. She had a private tape of her and well-hung hubby, Tommy "The Salami" Lee, stolen from her home and sold over the Internet for megamillions. She lost her lawsuit. Talk about a raw deal!!

BEWARE OF PREACHERS AND SELF HELP GURUS DOING TIME

Oy vey, the latest ordained-by-mail jailhouse minister is none other than Lindsay Lohan's
career criminal dad, Michael, reports Cindy Adams of the New York Post. (See our podcast and blog on "Stars with Jailbird Dads") After a 20 year career of stock fraud, vicious assaults, death threats against his family, and a losing battle with drugs and alcohol, this loser has now been "saved".

"I've taken a Bible college mail course from Global University and been ordained in the Assemblies of God Ministry. When I'm out, I'll be a minister. The pastor in prison works with me. Maybe that's why all this happened, why I'm here. To help people."

The jailbird dad, who's just been denied parole, is talking to the New York literary agent who represents Barack Obama and Judge Judy about a how-to, self-help, pop culture, inspirational, "I've been saved and seen the light" book.

To think, they remove voiceboxes from poor peacocks just so that they remain a thing of beauty, silent and not screeching in their high octave squawk. And this creepy dad can't be shut up even in prison. Luckily for the family, he has to do at least another 10 months before he breaks out with a book and a weekly visit to his parole officer. The publishing industry seems to be in one of the deeper circles of Dante's hell. Paris Hilton and Pam Anderson are now bestselling authors...

MEANWHILE LINDSAY GETS A RAVE REVIEW

"She's a sweetheart. She's in the eye of the storm all the time. We expect maybe too much from her privately. We want her to be sexy and then demure on demand. She's just doing what every 19 or 20 year old is doing. But very professional on the set."

Joshua Jackson, co-star on the movie "Bobby" with Lindsay Lohan

DO YOU BELIEVE THIS?

Joe DiMaggio's niece June claims in her new book, "Marilyn, Joe and Me" that Marilyn Monroe was talking on the phone with her mother 36 years ago when assassins crept into the blonde sex goddess' disheveled bedroom, attacked her and stuffed a fatal Nembutal suppository up her rectum. June DiMaggio alleges that the notorious Chicago Mafioso Sam Giancana, a lover of Monroe's, was behind the hit, which was ordered to permanently shut up the drug addled, boozed up, loose lipped star.

Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction. There was no indication in the coroner's report that the sleeping pills entered her bloodstream from the usual oral intake, and the phone was found off the hook. Why was her psychiatrist called first by the housekeeper and not an ambulance. Hours later when an ambulance was called, they took her body out only to be summoned back to the house. Marilyn's corpse was then positioned on the bed to await the arrival of the police.

MADONNA TAKES NEW SON TO VISIT AILING DAD

PerezHilton.com reported two weeks ago that Madonna's father is suffering from cancer.
New world traveler, little David Banda Ciccone Ritchie, accompanied by his siblings Lourdes and Rocco, will be visiting the Material Girl's ailing dad in Michigan and meet his new grandpa.

Kudos to Madonna! The baby is a welcome addition to her family and is being treated as such. Alot of celebs leave their kids home with the nanny, but not ubermensch mom Madonna. Brava!!

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"Only the good girls keep diaries. The bad girls don't have time."

Tallulah Bankhead, a raunchy southern belle who by her own admission was: "...as
pure as the driven slush."

KIDS, DON'T TRY THIS ON eBay

A Michigan woman won't be charged after trying to sell mummified human remains on eBay.
The remains were once part of a Scottish anatomist's collection that came to the U.S. in 1820.

And that's a wrap!

Now, be the FIRST to go out and dish the down and dirty truths behind today's headlines...AND vote!!

MAZEL TOV TO MADONNA'S NEW SON

Little David Banda Ciccone Richie is soon to be blessed with some mighty colorful godparents. Mother Madonna has announced that the ceremony is gonna be a strictly lavender affair with the designated godparents being the openly gay hunky actor Rupert Everett and the gorgeous lesbian Queen of Miami Nightclubs Ingrid Cassares. Madonna and Ingrid had a torrid affair years back and it's nice to see folks can still be friends after a breakup.

We think it's time for everyone to back off and wish the little tyke well in his new plush surroundings. Madonna told Meredith Viera on "Dateline" yesterday that she offered in court to give the father money to support himself and his son and he refused. The Kabbalah kiddie book writer also saved the adorable toddler from certain death after she took him from the orphanage for medical tests and it was revealed he had pneumonia. You gotta ask yourself: "Is David better off today than he was 30 days ago in Malawi?" It's a resounding YES, so let's all bugger off and let the kid get used to a life with no TV, no sweets, British nannies and a mum who will never let ennui creep into his life...

REESE'S MARRIAGE IN PIECES

After 7 years of connubial canoodling, the marriage of barely post-pubescent Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe is kaput. The couple's been in marriage counseling for a few years. They met as actors just starting out, but her career soared while his took a snail's pace to get into mainstream movies. Reports are the divorce could be complicated as Reese now makes $29 million per picture and TMZ reports that there is NO prenup agreement.

Apparently hubby Ryan got a 7 year itch on the set of Clint Eastwood's Flags of Our Fathers. He publicly played footsies (and with other body parts) with Aussie co-star Abbie Cornish in an Austin, Texas Asian restaurant. Showing a smidgen of class, the cheater decided not to use "the sake made me do it" defense. According to US magazine, when confronted by Reese, Ryan admitted it was true and said to his wife: "We need to end this." This was no Freudian slip, but marital suicide by tabloid as Mr. Reese openly immolated himself in the heat of passion.

According to New York Post columnist Liz Smith: "Not only have rumors of trouble buzzed around for several years, but the couple disagreed loudly at the recent Flags of Our Fathers screening in NYC...It was very Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?(An Edward Albee play showing the loud, violent, abusive, boozy disintegration of a marriage. The movie version starred Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton in a reenactment of their own conjugal life together).

Smith goes on to observe: "Miss Witherspoon, who can be a bit, ah, controlling and edgy under the determined blonde perk, seemed especially preoccupied that night."

We never suspected that Reese Witherspoon was at all like other mere mortals. To us, she's the modern day corollary of Audrey Hepburn: bright, impish, strong, determined, down to earth, yet regal, a velvet steamroller of a pixie. Everyone was rooting for this very young couple to make it despite the odds. May the gods of divorce grant you peace and dignity young lovers.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"I want to go to Africa. It's a place where you can really help people. And I'm into safari animals."

Kevin Federline, Mr. Britney Spears and prodigious sperm donor. Warning to anyone contemplating buying K-Fed's album, "Playing with Fire": YOU WILL GET BURNED.

SEE YOU LATER ALLIGATOR...NOT!!

The Sunshine State's wildlife officials have decided to turn the tables on the alligator population which has been devouring joggers and hikers and sundry other Floridians. The beast bureaucrats are recommending that homeowners be allowed to kill the raging reptiles

that sneakily slither onto their property. There is one caveat: selling the alligator will not be allowed, but having a backyard barbequed alligator luai is kosher under the proposed law.

SURPRISE! BIG BUSINESS TITANS CAN BE CRIMINALS

Forget the Enron gangsters, Ken Lay and Jeffrey Skilling, the crooked CPA head honcho at Tyco, Dennis Koslowski, and the infamous Bernie Ebbers of Worldcom. The groundwork for crooked CEOs has its foundation in the Roaring 20's, when crime bosses Lucky Luciano and Meyer Lansky rebuilt the Mafia into a corporate structure, a board of directors and a systematic infiltration of legitimate businesses. The Mob became richer than all the Top Ten American Corporations combined.

Lucky Luciano and Meyer Lansky then teamed up with the U.S. government during World War II. The underworld brokered a deal to get dockworkers, fishermen and hoodlums under Mob control to become the eyes and ears for naval intelligence. As a result, 8 German spies who landed in a U boat off the New York coast were arrested. An imprisoned Luciano got some much need intelligence for the government from his paisans in Sicily for the Allied invasion of Italy. Lucky Luciano was eventually pardoned and deported for his help.

In a somewhat prophetic observation, Luciano said in 1955 he learned much from his experiences. "Next time I'd do it legal. I learned too late that you need just as good a brain to make a crooked million as an honest million. These days you apply for a license to steal from the public. If I had my time again, I'd make sure I'd got that license first."

Excerpted from "Cheat Sheets for Life", (c) 2005, Sistarrs International

Now, be the FIRST to go out and dish the down and dirty truths behind today's headlines..

PASTOR JOE DISTRACTED BY THOUGHTS OF JESSICA'S...

That ultimate stage parent from hell, former youth pastor Joe Simpson, must've been thinkin' of something real alluring. He drove his Ferrari into a staircase railing shortly after leaving a salon in Beverly Hills. Like any man as guilty as sin, Pastor Joe drove off before he thought anyone noticed.

This guy's a piece of work. Check him out in this week's blog and podcast about stage parents from hell. Pastor Joe has an unhealthy interest in Jessica's God given endowments, and brags to anyone who'll listen about her double D's and the fact that he fit her for her first bra! When he hit that railing, what was he thinking...

MR. PRESIDENT, YOU AIN'T NOTHIN' BUT A HORNDOG

Ashton Kutcher told TV host Jay Leno last night about the time he and his wife Demi Moore met the 42nd President of the United States: "Clinton was the only President I ever met, but it was like I wasn't there. HE WAS HITTING ON MY WIFE!"

Ah, if the Prez only would have been so single-minded in his pursuit of Osama Bin Laden, he could've nailed HIM in the Sudan in the early 90's...

ANNA NICOLE: THE PLOT SICKENS...

Photographer Larry Birkhead, who is duking it out in court with Anna Nicole Smith's full service, personal attorney Howard K. Stern, for the honor of being called the TrimSpa Queen's baby daddy, in an exclusive interview yesterday with MSNBC's Rita Cosby made some stunning, new allegations about his former lady love. Birkhead says that Anna Nicole has a methadone addiction, and he fears the baby was born damaged. In addition to a paternity test, he's also demanding that the baby be tested for drugs. He accuses attorney Stern of supplying Anna Nicole with methadone. A sad footnote: Her son Daniel's autopsy revealed he died from a lethal combination of methadone and antidepressants.

Anna Nicole's taste for drugs may be back again and her taste in men is definitely up her childhood. Her own no-good daddy left early and well, you can figure out the rest...

BRITNEY'S BABY DADDY A NO SHOW AT HOME

Kevin Federline is still in the running for lousiest father ever. After leaving his girlfriend actress Shar Jackson with their two toddlers for Britney Spears, he married the songstress diva and immediately produced two heirs to HER pop dynasty, insuring HIS financial future. According to "Page Six", the wannabe rapper is up to his old, bad boy ways, leaving his wife and two babies, ages 3 weeks and one-year at home in Malibu, while he chartered a private jet with his buddies for a wild weekend in his beloved Las Vegas. While he boozed it up and party-ed in Sin City, we saw Britney shlepping her two adorable tots around Malibu with the obligatory pit stop at Starbuck's.

Brit, you need more than a jolt of java to keep you going. You need a major rush of reality to get rid of this moocher. While doling out unearned gifts to your hubby, how 'bout getting K-Fed one he deserves... a vasectomy for Christmas. Now that would truly bring joy to the world!!

A BOOB JOB (NOT K-FED) SAVES A LIFE!!

An Israeli woman's breast implants saved her life when she was wounded in a Hezbollah rocket attack during Israel's war with the Lebanese group. Doctors found shrapnel embedded in the silicone implants, just inches from the 24 year old's heart.

A silicone shield against the sword of Damocles...now that's something those folks in the Old Testament NEVER though of!!


Now, be the FIRST to go out and spin the down and dirty truths behind the headlines...