MADONNA: LET'S TALK TURKEY...

Lady Madonna is firmly entrenched in the British aristocracy and shares its love of bloodsports. Here's what New York Post columnist Cindy Adams says about that: "If you're not already up to your eyeballs in Madonna and her adoption, and her Africa and her kabbalah and what she's doing, here's more of what she's doing: She rents out her English estate Ashcombe House, give or take a few quid, for $20,000 a day. For pheasant shoots. Not peasants. Pheasants. Well, seems her gamekeeper decided they're running low on birds for these rich folks to kill, so he's importing more pheasants from the wilds of France. For shooting and killing purposes."

Now are we crazy or what, but isn't the Material Girl (and new tribal mom) a fanatical vegetarian who eschews violence as per the teachings of Kaballah which says that for every action, there is a reaction. Violence begets violence, etc. etc. Seems this week she's adhering to Ayn Rand's credo of the shameless worship money as a religion. Money begets more money. The ends justify the means, blah, blah, blah. Jeez, Madonna...oops, Esther, make up your mind: saint or money whore, oligarch or woman of the people.
You're givin' us vertigo!

MICHAEL JACKSON FINALLY TAKES OUR ADVICE

Ten years ago we told the King of Pop a move to Ireland would be good for his soul. The love and goodness of the Irish people and their hospitality cannot help but heal any troubled soul. The added ingredient of mysticism and ubiquitous legends just adds to the country's charm and allure. The Emerald Isle is a magical land where all kinds of transformations are indeed possible. We hope Michael will look up our dear friend, world famed Irish psychic Mary Malone, the most loving and talented spirit we've ever encountered here on earth.

Cindy Adams reports that, "While house-hunting in Ireland, Michael Jackson's renting in Youghal, County Cork, for six months. He took his nicely mannered kids to a local hotel where a wedding was in process. To those in charge, the children said politely, 'We're not allowed to eat sweets, but may we please taste the wedding cake?' The happy kids were fed giant gooey slabs but, unless they plan to do two ceremonies a week, these junior Jacksons won't ever be part of today's pediatric obese."

SANDRA BULLOCK, BRAD PITT...MOVIE STARS KISS & TELL ALL!

Famous actors are now talking about their first kiss. Sandra Bullock: "It was through the bedroom window. His friend got on all fours, and he stood on his pal's back to get high enough." Brad Pitt: I was in fourth grade. We actually made a plan, like this business deal, to meet in her garage. After a half hour of working up courage, I kissed her. Then I ran home..." Matthew McConaughey remembers: "Amy had braces, and my lip got caught." Denise Richards' first kiss was with a boy who'd had his front teeth removed the day before. Heather Graham, who is not known for being the sharpest tool in the shed, recounted: "I was 9. This boy I had a crush on said, 'If I give you a dollar, will you kiss me? I said, 'I don't know.' Then, 'What if I give you 50 cents?' I finally did it for free."

NEVADA BETS ON LEGALIZED POT

In another octopus-like move to corner ALL the world's revenue, voters in a state that already has legalized gambling and prostitution are gonna decide if they want to go into the marijuana business. If a ballot measure passes on Nov. 7, Nevada will be the first state to let adults possess up to an ounce of pot AND buy it at government-regulated pot shops.

Passing the bong while playing strip polka at the Bunny Ranch...Don't they do that already?!!

Anna Nicole Watch

Day 39. Daniel Smith remains unburied.

Quote of the day

"My daddy warned me about men and liquor, but he never mentioned women and cocaine."

Famed bisexual actress Tallulah Bankhead, a southern belle whose daddy was Speaker of the House in the U.S. House of Representatives (D-Alabama). The ultimate wild child, she slept with Greta Garbo and Hattie McDaniel, who played Mammy in "Gone With The Wind".


Now, be the FIRST to go out and spin the down & dirty truths behind the headlines...

MADONNA AND CHILD

Well, the world might be discussing the propriety of Madonna's move to adopt a 1 year old Malawi tot who has a loving father and granny, but the Material Girl has ruled. The little tyke got whisked away by Madonna's minions yesterday to begin life in the lap of luxury at the diva's London townhouse. Madonna and her filmmaker husband, Guy Ritchie, were granted an interim adoption of baby David. This gives the showbiz parents 18 months temporary custody during which time they will be evaluated by the courts of Malawi.

This is a no-brainer. Madonna's $3 million gift to the orphanage and other programs certainly insures a favorable report. Let's just hope that the little tyke in the end gives his ubermensch mutter a glowing report card. Steven Spielberg once told his free-spirited, ageless mom, Leah Adler: "I won the lottery when I got you as a mom!" May little David say the same thing to his new mommy one day and we'll all happily SHUT UP....

BRANDON DAVIS' KARMIC KICK IN THE ASS

Genetic lottery winner, Brandon Davis, grandson of the gargantuan late oil billionaire, Marvin Davis, may still have a big mouth, but he appears to be running out of dough. The perennial Paris Hilton sidekick and boorish blowhard routinely makes fun of Lindsay Lohan's privates ("firecrotch") and finances ("She's only got $7 million). Well, it appears there is a God. The unemployed, IQ challenged, alleged heir wrote a check to "Girls Gone Wild" creator Joe Francis for $10,000 and it bounced, refused because of "insufficient funds" according to "Page Six". It appears he also owes big bucks to a record producer and a casino owner.

Better watch that your always wobbly legs don't get broken in a dark alley like the common folk, Mr. Faux Rich Boy. By the way, we hear that you owe more than one young lady an IOU for your performance in the sack. It would appear Mr. Big Shot has no currency in the REAL world.

ANNA NICOLE WATCH

Day 37 and still no burial for tragic Daniel Smith. He remains in a vault drawer at the morgue in the Bahamas.

EVEN MY EX-PROFESSOR IS BARING ALL!

Seems my ex-creative writing instructor at John Jay College of Criminal Justice, former Playboy Playmate Alice Denham, has penned a down and dirty tell-all book, "Sleeping With Bad Boys". The formerly sexy prof tattles that the legendary actor James Dean "was a tender and considerate lover" who was totally hung up on her 36 double D's as soon as he got a load of 'em: "You're so huge for a small girl," he told her. "Jimmy was a t--man, and he loved to nuzzle. He was so skilled." Then in a purely Elvis move, the doomed star asked the woman who I fought with for an "A": "Are you my mother? You are, I think. You look like her." Hugh Hefner chose the future prof as a playmate and proceeded to bed her during a cheesy stag movie. While Hef had "staying power and was a good ride", it was nothing personal. Because the bookish former Bunny is a former academic, she throws ex-lovers Norman Mailer and Philip Roth into the mix, lest we think she's gone Hollywood.

I vividly remember Prof. Denham disrobing during class to the delight of my cop classmates. It seems she was always hot in her sweater and needed to strip down to her undergarment to continue her ascent in the world of pedagogy. She actually outdid the original superstar stripper, Gypsy Rose Lee. I really loved this broad, though we didn't always get along. Nobody EVER slept in her class!! (Randa)

TALIBAN GOES TO POT

The Taliban are hiding behind dense, impenetrable forests of 10 ft. marijuana plants. Canadian forces report that the Taliban terrorists are using the forests for cover. Fighting bush by bush, the Canadians are taking on the unexpected and potent enemy by covering their armored vehicles with the cannabis as camouflage. It's a draw: "Far out, man!"


Now, be the FIRST to go out there and spin the down and dirty truths behind the headlines...

ANNA NICOLE'S MOTHER ALLEGES MURDER PLOT...

The Anna Nicole Smith spin just keeps spinning out of control. Now her mother, Virgie Arthur, says she believes that her grandson Daniel's death from a drug overdose may have been MURDER. The bereaved Texas grandma told Nancy Grace on CNN Headline News that she thinks the perp was in the hospital room at the time of his death. Mmm...the only folks in that room other than poor Daniel were Anna Nicole and her full service personal attorney, Howard K. Stern, who claims that he, and not Larry Birkhead, is Anna Nicole's baby daddy. Is your head spinnin' faster than the kid in the "Exorcist" yet?!

Granny "Smith", a former cop, said of Daniel's lethal overdose of methadone and antidepressants: "Somebody had to give it to him. He had to get it from somewhere." Leaving little doubt as to the Blame Name, she talked to Grace about attorney Stern marrying Anna Nicole legally and being in line to inherit her millions if anything should happen to her. "If Howard Stern marries her and she ends up dead, then who does the money go [to]? Danny's not there," Granny hypothesised.

TMZ obtained a copy of the birth certificate of Anna Nicole's daughter, Dannielynn, which names attorney Stern as the father. Her marriage to him AND legal demands from Larry Birkhead for a paternity test can't be far off.

Lions and tigers and now murder, oh, my!! We hope to resolve at least one issue next week in our podcast: "Anna Nicole Smith's Baby Daddy Revealed". Stay tuned!!

MEL GIBSON...What would Jesus do?

Eyewitnesses report that allegedly contrite alcoholic actor Mel Gibson yelled at a young man who accused him of being anti-Jewish outside a Malibu church last week: "I'm not anti-semitic. You F**CKING better apologize right now!!" The devout Christian family man allegedly pointed his finger at the young man in a menacing manner. One witness opined that the judge should have sentenced Mr. Gibson to Rageaholics Anonymous, as well as AA.

MADONNA...AT LONG LAST MADAM, HAVE YOU NO SHAME?

After strapping herself to a crucifix, straddling a human horse in bondage gear and then recreating herself as a children's book author who spreads the gospel of Kabbalah to Third World countries as a condition of a $3 million donation for education... Madonna's outdone even Madonna THIS time. Cutting threw the red tape of years on an adoption wait list, Madonna went to an orphanage and got herself a one-year old boy from the impoverished African AIDS plagued nation of Malawi. Only problem is he's not an orphan. His mom died at childbirth and his dad and granny, who love him dearly, don't have enough money to keep him. Universal outrage is building that Madonna should have waited her turn AND given money to the tot's dad to raise him in his African homeland.

If this is a publicity stunt for her new children's book coming out October 24, all we can say is retitle it: "The ABC's of staying on top for 25 years: Use your crayons, boys and girls, to copy dead sexpots, S&M mistresses, then make the transition to a new persona with a dead Madonna/whore named Evita until you slide into the revered Dr. Seuss slot as a children's author, then complete this latest incarnation with a copycat adoption of a Third World child just like Josephine Baker in the 20's with her Rainbow Tribe of 12 kids, Mia Farrow in the 60's with her brood of 13, and Angelina Jolie with her adorable Ethiopian and Cambodian adopted tots in the New Millenium."

Suggestion for your next kid's book: "Proust for Children as told in one, long unpunctuated sentence by the major domo chameleon of the 20th & 21st centuries, Madonna, call me Esther..."

GOD TRIPS CAN BE DANGEROUS...

Reuters, Kiev, Ukraine - A man shouting that God would keep him safe was mauled to death by a lioness in the Kiev zoo after he crept into the animal's enclosure, a zoo official said Monday.

The man shouted, "God will save me, if he exists," lowered himself by a rope into the enclosure, took his shoes off and went up to the lions," the official said.

"A lioness went straight for him, knocked him down and severed his carotid artery."

This Ukrainian obviously forgot to heed that Old Russian Proverb: "Pray by all means, but keep rowing to shore."


Now, be the FIRST to go out and spin the down and dirty truths behind the headlines...

MALIBU HORROR TOUR

In honor of Friday the 13th, we'd like to take you on a tour of places that will long live in infamy:

• Moonshadows Restaurant on Pacific Coast Highway in Malibu. Site of Mel Gibson's July drunken tirade against Jewish Malibu Sheriff's Deputy James Mee after his DUI arrest. "Are you a JEW?!", the devout Christian actor demanded. "The Jews are responsible for ALL the wars in the world. I'm gonna get you...I own Malibu...F**kin' Jews!"
  
  Officer Mee is currently under investigation for possibly leaking a copy of his original 8 page report detailing the actor's anti-semitic rants to Harvey Levin at TMZ.com. A search warrant was executed on Officer Mee's home, and investigators seized a computer, telephone records and documents. WHOEVER leaked that document toTMZ is a hero because the official report later released to the public was edited to 4 pages with no mention of the inflammatory remarks. Meanwhile, an unrepentant Mel Gibson is running around free, blaming all is troubles on demon booze, while honest, upright Officer Mee faces dismissal from his job and possible jail time if found guilty of the leak. What's wrong with this picture?!



• More drunk driving on PCH in Malibu...There were a few deaths on this famed highway due to a famous drunk driver who didn't go to jail, and got rewarded by Hollywood. Famed director Busby Berkeley, a well known taskmaster and hopeless drunk, crashed into a car in the 1930's while driving under the influence, killing all three passengers. A slick Hollywood lawyer got him acquitted of all charges blaming the tires for the entire accident. What were THEY drinking?!



• Robert Downey Jr. & The Goldilocks House...The 31 year old star of "Chaplin" was busted on Heathercliff Road in Malibu in 1997 after he wandered drunk and drugged into a neighbor's house and passed out in a kid's bed. The resident called police who arrested him for trespassing and being under the influence of drugs. Hours before, the same cops had arrested him for speeding on Pacific Coast Highway, and for possession of a revolver, heroin, cocaine and crack.

People who drive along the idyllic Pacific Coast Highway with its azure waters, mountains, and megamillion dollar mansions better beware of the pampered, drunken movie star who can be plastered behind the wheel of any of the upscale vehicles in this tony enclave. PCH could well be an acronym for PACIFIC COAST HORROR!!

Seniors Get Free Sex...

The voice mail system in Ohio's toll-free Medicaid line has been referring callers to a phone sex business. Red faced state officials have told excited seniors that the problem was traced to a typo in the voice mail script. No official complaints have been received.


Now, be the FIRST to go out and spin the down and dirty truths behind the headlines...

MADONNA ON AFRICAN BABY BUYING SPREE...

Continuing her copycat ways, Madonna is now one-upping Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. She's adopted a 13 month old African tot who's not even an orphan! After seeing a boost in Namibia's tourist trade after Brangelina's sojourn there for the birth of their daughter, the country of Malawi decided to be a copycat, too, and granted Madonna special dispensation for adopting little David Banda.

New York Post columnist Andrea Peyser articulated what many readers e-mailed in a story headlined: Shameless Star Buys an African Souvenir..."(Madonna) has her heart set on raping Malawi. Days ago, she lined up 12 African boys, hand selected for her scrutiny. She picked out 1 year old David to take home in her luggage...The boy selected in this freakish slave auction is no AIDS orphan. He's got a biological father, plus a granny, but was placed in an orphanage after his mother died. His family loves him. They just can't afford to keep him. If Madonna possessed a speck of sanity or shame, she would write a generous check...Madonna should nail herself on her crucifix, for real this time."

Madonna's gone too far THIS time, even by her own ever devolving standards for reinvention. There's talk that hubby Guy Ritchie is bitterly opposed to this latest publicity stunt, oops, sorry... planned adoption. He feels his wife's daughter by another man and THEIR biological child is enough to cope with in view of his wife's unceasing efforts to conquer the world and put her brand on everyone's derriere. FREE LITTLE DAVID BANDA FROM VEGANISM, KABBALA INDOCTRINATION AND MEGLOMANIA NOW!!!

ANNA NICOLE TRAPPED IN HER OWN LOONEY TOON

Now the former stripper and TrimSpa poster girl has shed another 200 pounds... her Bahamian lawyer. He's like so FIRED! Seems there were violent disagreements with Anna's personal, full-service lawyer and self-confessed "baby daddy", Howard K. Stern and her Bahamian mouthpiece Michael Scott. As Perez Hilton deduced: "It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what probably happened: Anna and Howard wanted to do some shady shit and this lawyer dude would not lie!"

A lawyer who will not lie for his client? Isn't this grounds for a suit for incompetence and malfeasance?!!

MEL GIBSON INVOKES THE SODDI DEFENSE...

"Some Other Dude Did It" is the most mundane, classic defense invoked by millions of common criminals around the world when facing the music for their misdeeds. The usually imaginative and talented superstar billionaire, MEL GIBSON, showed an utter lack of originality and self-knowledge when he told ABC's Diane Sawyer in an interview aired this morning that his anti-semitic tirade the evening of his July 28 drunk driving arrest was not him talking. It was Jose Cuervo!! The Passion of the Christ director alleges that tequila was to blame for his "insane" behavior and he admitted that when drunk, he has the capacity to "murder inanimate objects", including toasters. He also went on to say that anyone who doesn't understand that what a drunk man rants and raves about is not anything that he would ever think of sober...

Oy vey, knock if off already and fess up to the WHOLE shmear, Mel. You cannot be successful in an AA program without RIGOROUS honesty. Your daddy Hutton bombarded you from the crib with his anti-semitic tirades and you had little choice. We know you love and honor your father...but grow up and think for yourself. And if you do share his views, be honest and tell the world the truth. The "truth" isn't a business decision. The truth is the truth. And by the way, your self-confessed vanity in gussying up for your mug shot speaks volumes about you, Mr, Gibson. What would Jesus do?

HOLD THE MAYO AND LETTUCE, BUT NOT THE POT...

Three Burger King workers in Los Lunas, New Mexico are in a pickle after serving two cops Whoppers sprinkled with marijuana. The hungry officers started chowing down when they noticed the meat had been sprinkled with a substance that looked like pot. A field test kit confirmed the illegal substance. The cops had the three overzealous employees for lunch...


Now be the FIRST to go out and spin the down and dirty truths behind the headlines...

IS MEL GIBSON RESIGNING FROM THE TALIBAN?

In a pre-taped interview schedued to be aired this Thursday and Friday on Good Morning America, Mel Gibson tells ABC's Diane Sawyer about his drunken, anti-semitic rant during his DUI arrest on July 28, 2006:

"It was just the stupid ramblings of a drunkard, you know and... I need to heal myself and to be assuring and allay the fears of others and to heal them if they had any heart wounds from something I may have said. So, this is the last thing I want to be is that kind of monster."

Duh, what kind of a mea culpa is that, Mel?! Now we know you sat at the knee of your Holocaust denying dad, Hutton Gibson, and that you learned to dislike Jews in the cradle. But grow up!! You may say it was the booze talkin' and not you. To that we say:
"A drunk man says what a sober man thinks." (Check out our All Points Bulletin podcast: "Mel Gibson's Malibu Meltdown" for the down and dirty truth...)

ANNA NICOLE TAKES PEOPLE FOR A $1 MILLION RIDE...

In yet another spectacular display of bad taste, brand new mother AND grieving mom, Anna Nicole Smith, swam full bore into a Bahamian marital charade with her full service attorney Howard K. Stern and collected big bucks. People magazine paid $1 million for pictures of the phony baloney "wedding", non-binding in every country on the face of the earth, including Lichenstein.

After the faux ceremony, the giddy couple plunged into the balmy waters off their catamaran and ruined their perfectly pressed formal wedding attire. No word if the rental company is suing. After the guests toasted the couple with some mid-range champagne and apple cider, the wedding party enjoyed a lavish buffet of Kentucky Fried Chicken, complete with biscuits and gravy!!

It appears that a baby of uncertain paternity and a dead son proved to be more of a lucrative career move for Anna Nicole than marrying an 89 year old billionaire cadaver. The cash register keeps ringing. First, she sold the last photos of her late 20 year old son to the tabloids for over $600,000, and now she's cashed in for a cool million with the sale of photos of her non-wedding. Meanwhile, this Mother of the Year is accused of being a methadone addict who entered drug rehab in her 7th month of gestation. Her ex-lover Larry Birkhead also alleges the former stripper gave birth to a methadone addicted baby. Coincidentally, her son's autopsy revealed he died from a drug overdose of Zoloft and Methadone. His system had more than 7x the normal dosage of both drugs. Next stop: Mother Rehab?

TRUMP RAGS ON ANGELINA

That self-anointed arbiter of beauty and filial devotion, real estate maven Donald Trump pronounced reigning sex queen Angelina Jolie unattractive and a lousy daughter. Talking about Jolie's estrangement from her father, he told CNN's Larry King last night:

"Well, look, number one, I know her father. Her father is a nice guy. I think she treats him like a dog but maybe they have some kind of a thing. I think he's a great actor and she just treats him terribly. She's been with so many guys she makes me look like a baby, OK, with the other side. And, I just don't even find her attractive."

A meglomaniacal, billionaire global brand obviously can shoot from the hip with little or no introspection and get away with it. First off, being a great actor does not make one a great father. Her dad Jon Voight was a married man (like Trump), when he cheated on his wife quite publicly (like Trump), and caused much pain to his children. Jolie remembers watching the Oscars with her mother and brother with little food in the house as her nominee father paraded his girlfriend before the cameras. (What a great guy!) She vowed she would never let that kind of betrayal be part of her life when she grew up. Word is that she did not become intimate with Brad Pitt until his divorce papers were signed. Their daughter Shiloh was born 9 months later. Mr. Trump obviously has amnesia when it comes to his own behavior. And who cares if he finds Jolie attractive, his attentions would be better placed at finding himself a new hair stylist!

WATCH OUT, YOU COULD BE STUCK ON A WALTZ....

Here's a new way for couples to make sweet music together. It's a musical condom designed to play louder and faster as the sex becomes more passionate. The harmonious device will soon be on sale in the Ukraine.


Now be the FIRST to go out and spin the down and dirty truths behind the headlines...

CHANGE OF PACE? PARIS TAKES FIST IN THE MOUTH!!

Skanky hotel heiress/amateur porn star Paris Hilton took a closed fist punch to the jaw from former Miss USA Shanna Moakler hours after the celebrity gossip website TMZ posted a video of Hilton making out with Moakler's estranged husband, former Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker at a crowded nightclub.

In a further display of "High School Antics 101", as Paris recoiled in pain amid some foul language from the beauty queen's mouth, the heiress' ex-boyfriend, Greek shipping heir Stavros Niarchos pounced on the Playboy Playmate/"Dancing with the Stars" loser Moakler, bent back her wrists and poured a drink over her.

Paris and Moakler raced to the local police station to file charges against each other. No arrests have been made pending further investigation.

Paris would you please give Angelina and Madonna a call and get your ass to a Third World orphanage. Supporting the extended families of the paparazzi does not count as philanthropy on the world stage!

MOM PUTS MUZZLE ON PARIS' SKANKY MOUTH

The New York Post reports that: "Paris tells the new issue of Blender that she refused to perform oral sex on boyfriends until she was 19 because her mother told her it would leave her with 'holes in your face and craters...I totally believed her.' Paris said one of her boyfriends finally set her straight: 'He's like, Paris, you're 19. You're allowed to do this.' I've only done that with maybe three people in my life.' But one was on video."

How's that for filial wisdom?!! In the jetsetter world, it's not about morality, but looks and money. Now that she's safely past 19, how about charging and building up your blue chip stocks, Paris...Oops, sorry, you ALREADY did that!!

ANNA NICOLE: "THAT'S ALL FOLKS"...NOT!!

In the "Looney Toon" that keeps giving, the saga of alleged pill popper and diet pill peddler Anna Nicole Smith took another stomach turning twist. With her son's body still unburied and in the morgue 18 days after his death, photos of the grieving mother posing sexily in the warm Bahamian waters with her new unofficial hubby, personal full-service lawyer Howard K. Stern appeared in the media yesterday. The former Texas stripper and widow of an 89-year old cadaver celebrated the "commitment ceremony" by diving off a 41-foot catamaran just two weeks after the caesarean birth of her daughter by father unknown. She's reportedly come down with a post-operative infection from this witless misadventure. Meanwhile, in addition to Howard K. Stern and Larry Birkhead each claiming to be the baby's father, a third man has come forward saying the baby's his spawn...

Anna Nicole is the epitome of just how shallow the standards are for today's media stars. A gal with God given looks, an 8th grade education, an audacity reserved for the truly IQ challenged and a way with a stripper's pole & a doddering, decaying billionaire oilman rules the print & electronic media ad nauseum. We gave her the benefit of some well-placed doubt unntil she sold the last photos of her and her late son for over half a million dollars, hurriedly "married" her lawyer, proclaiming him her "baby daddy" and then posed seductively, smiling from ear to ear in some cheesecake photos she knew would go around the world while her beloved son is still in a cold, crypt drawer at the morgue. A class act is a class act...LOW CLASS forever...

WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE...A NEWLY MINTED PAIR OF 40 DOUBLE D'S...

There's a boob bandit on the loose in Germany who got her breasts surgically enlarged and then fled the clinic without paying. In an effort to recoup his $10,000 fee, the doctor has published a five column picture of the woman's naked breasts in what has to be the most unique wanted police poster ever!!


Now, be the FIRST to go out and spin the down and dirty truths behind the headlines...

PASTOR JOE DISTRACTED BY THOUGHTS OF JESSICA'S...

That ultimate stage parent from hell, former youth pastor Joe Simpson, must've been thinkin' of something real alluring. He drove his Ferrari into a staircase railing shortly after leaving a salon in Beverly Hills. Like any man as guilty as sin, Pastor Joe drove off before he thought anyone noticed.

This guy's a piece of work. Check him out in this week's blog and podcast about stage parents from hell. Pastor Joe has an unhealthy interest in Jessica's God given endowments, and brags to anyone who'll listen about her double D's and the fact that he fit her for her first bra! When he hit that railing, what was he thinking...

MR. PRESIDENT, YOU AIN'T NOTHIN' BUT A HORNDOG

Ashton Kutcher told TV host Jay Leno last night about the time he and his wife Demi Moore met the 42nd President of the United States: "Clinton was the only President I ever met, but it was like I wasn't there. HE WAS HITTING ON MY WIFE!"

Ah, if the Prez only would have been so single-minded in his pursuit of Osama Bin Laden, he could've nailed HIM in the Sudan in the early 90's...

ANNA NICOLE: THE PLOT SICKENS...

Photographer Larry Birkhead, who is duking it out in court with Anna Nicole Smith's full service, personal attorney Howard K. Stern, for the honor of being called the TrimSpa Queen's baby daddy, in an exclusive interview yesterday with MSNBC's Rita Cosby made some stunning, new allegations about his former lady love. Birkhead says that Anna Nicole has a methadone addiction, and he fears the baby was born damaged. In addition to a paternity test, he's also demanding that the baby be tested for drugs. He accuses attorney Stern of supplying Anna Nicole with methadone. A sad footnote: Her son Daniel's autopsy revealed he died from a lethal combination of methadone and antidepressants.

Anna Nicole's taste for drugs may be back again and her taste in men is definitely up her childhood. Her own no-good daddy left early and well, you can figure out the rest...

BRITNEY'S BABY DADDY A NO SHOW AT HOME

Kevin Federline is still in the running for lousiest father ever. After leaving his girlfriend actress Shar Jackson with their two toddlers for Britney Spears, he married the songstress diva and immediately produced two heirs to HER pop dynasty, insuring HIS financial future. According to "Page Six", the wannabe rapper is up to his old, bad boy ways, leaving his wife and two babies, ages 3 weeks and one-year at home in Malibu, while he chartered a private jet with his buddies for a wild weekend in his beloved Las Vegas. While he boozed it up and party-ed in Sin City, we saw Britney shlepping her two adorable tots around Malibu with the obligatory pit stop at Starbuck's.

Brit, you need more than a jolt of java to keep you going. You need a major rush of reality to get rid of this moocher. While doling out unearned gifts to your hubby, how 'bout getting K-Fed one he deserves... a vasectomy for Christmas. Now that would truly bring joy to the world!!

A BOOB JOB (NOT K-FED) SAVES A LIFE!!

An Israeli woman's breast implants saved her life when she was wounded in a Hezbollah rocket attack during Israel's war with the Lebanese group. Doctors found shrapnel embedded in the silicone implants, just inches from the 24 year old's heart.

A silicone shield against the sword of Damocles...now that's something those folks in the Old Testament NEVER though of!!


Now, be the FIRST to go out and spin the down and dirty truths behind the headlines...

MARILYN SHTUPPED ELVIS!!

Let's get real...who didn't the blonde bombshell sleep with?! A SALACIOUS 50-year old Hollywood secret is finally out: Marilyn slept with Elvis after being delivered to his hotel room by a William Morris agent, Byron Raphael. The agent tells Page Six that The King ordered him to pick up Marilyn Monroe at an apartment she shared with actress Shelley Winters.

"When he saw her, they came together and, without saying a word, started kissing. I was in shock and I didn't know what to do. Then Marilyn who was 10 years older, said: 'You're pretty good for a guitar player.'

"After two minutes, they went into the bedroom and I didn't know if I was supposed to leave, or stay and wait for them, so I sort of dozed off. The next thing I knew I was startled awake by the door opening and I dove behind the bar. And they both walked out stark naked. I didn't say a word. I just stayed quietly."

Marilyn was known to skip the hellos when meeting folks and heading straight to carnal territory. She must've circled the "E's" in the alphabet twice as she also slept with Einstein. Shelley Winters , her roommate at the time, reported seeing an autographed photo of the Genius of the 20th Century inscribed to Marilyn: "With love and respect and THANKS." (See our blog: "Here lies Marilyn Monroe: 38-23-36"). Marilyn was always looking for a father, which is why she slept with movie idol Clark Gable. Whether she had a sexual liaison with screen legend Joan Crawford to fulfill a mommy craving is unclear. Crawford wanted another round, Marilyn said she preferred guys.Yes, folks...there is such a thing as women who love too much!!

"Just Asking" from the Always On The Money Page Six...

"Which recently rehabbed celebrity is back on the sauce? The guy just can't stay away from the booze...or the women, much to his wife's distress."

Happy birthday to a billionaire gossip columnist...

Birthday greetings to the elegant man-about-town and Greek shipping heir, Taki Theodoracopulos on his 70th celebrated in London at the famed Annabelle's with a dinner dance for the billionaire and titled set. Guests at the million dollar extravaganza included King Constantine and Queen Anne Marie of Greece, designer Caroline Herrera and two hundred other jet setters. Thanks, Taki, for mentioning the Starr Sisters in your renowned column in The Sunday Times of London. Here's to your next 70 fabulous years!!

EAT DIRT!!

A granny in India says she stays healthy by eating a little more than 2 pounds of sand a day. Ram Rati, 80, considers sand an essential part of her diet and eats it before breakfast, lunch and afternoon tea.

This beats anorexia, bulimia or cartons of cigarettes. Just think, if your dirt is lucky enough to have a few earth worms, you'll for sure get your daily requirement of protein!!

Now, be the FIRST to go out and spin the down and dirty truths behind the headlines...

SURPRISE!! PARIS HILTON'S A PHONY & LINDSAY LOHAN'S AN INGRATE

Ah, the rich and famous are different than you and me...they do it bigger and badder...

Former Backstreet Boy Nick Carter is telling tales outta school to shtick jock Howard Stern about his former girlfriend Paris Hilton and their non-steamy sex life. "In the very beginning you know, she was literally cleaning my carpet in my apartment trying to act all domesticated. And then, before you know it, a month or two goes by and it's back to the old nose up in the air and who are you?"

Hey, Nick...maybe YOUR lovemaking wasn't up to snuff and SHE couldn't fake it anymore!

Well, the guy who found and returned a million bucks worth of diamond jewelry to a grateful, no longer distraught Lindsay Lohan, has yet to receive a thank you from the star of Mean Girls. According to Page Six, chauffeur Tom Webster, "found the star's missing Hermes bag that was stuffed with $1 million worth of jewelry and her asthma medicine at Heathrow Airport earlier this month. He says Lohan's London rep promised him a reward or a thank you note, but so far he's received neither."

Lindsay you're lookin' like less than a million bucks and more like a genuine, bona fide MEAN GIRL. Clean up your act already, and then maybe you'll be able to keep a boyfriend of Harry Morton's calibre!

Fun times with your 3-year old...

"A 3-year old boy in Lincolnshire, England, used his mother's computer to buy a car on eBay for $17,100," according to the New York Post.The seller was kind enough to cancel the bid.

Young Jack's next move is to found a toddler eBay site where he can get bids on baby car seats, old bottles and outdated baby formula. We bet he gets a seat on the New York Stock Exchange before he's 4.

Dead Celebrities are Alive and Well in the Land of Commerce

Audrey Hepburn, dead for 13 years, is now starring in an ad campaign for the Gap, elegantly dancing in a scene from "Funny Face", a movie she made 50 years ago. The spot hawks slender, black Gap jeans for a New Millennium of consumers. The ever magical Hepburn joins her dead show biz friends Fred Astaire (Dirt Devil), John Wayne (Coors) and Humphrey Bogart (Diet Coke) on the posthumous marketing campaign trail.

We love the style and panache of Old Hollywood so it's fun to see them as really classy snake oil salespeople. They are, and always will be, the gift that keeps giving!!

ANNA NICOLE SMITH'S SON DIED OF DRUG RELATED CAUSES...

Cyril Wecht, the independent pathologist hired by Anna Nicole to determine the cause of her son Daniel's death announced his findings yesterday. It appears young Daniel died of a "tragic, accidental drug related death. Methadone and two antidepressants.

Zoloft and Lexapro, had a lethal cumulative affect on the central nervous system that stopped his heart."

Anna Nicole's personal lawyer of many years, Howard K. Stern, announced on The Larry King Show on CNN Tuesday night that newspaper accounts of Daniel's death were incorrect. It seems as dawn approached, Daniel slipped into Anna Nicole's bed to keep her company and fell asleep. Ann Nicole awoke to find him not breathing. She screamed for help. But it was too late, the hospital staff could not revive him. She insisted on trying to bring him back to life and had to be sedated. She fell to her knees sobbing: "Oh, Jesus. Please don't take him, take me."

One gets the sad impression from the King interview that Anna Nicole is so grief stricken that she can't bury him just yet. He died on September 10, his body was released last week, but remains in the coroner's morgue.

In a surprise revelation, the lawyer, Howard K. Stern said he, and not photographer Larry Birkhead, is the father of Smith's newborn daughter, Danilynne Hope, named in honor of her late son. Birkhead is demanding a paternity test.

You gotta say Mr. Stern is a full service attorney.

**Sorry for the short spin. The Starr Sisters are off to film a pilot for a leading viral video company. You may soon see us on over 8 million mobile phones around the world!!

FAMILY VALUES

ANTIDOTE TO PARIS & LINDSAY'S HIGH SCHOOL RELATIONSHIP ANTICS

There are mature, deep loving relationships that still exist in the 21st century. Cindy Adams in today's NY Post writes about the special love shared by the late Aussie Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin and his American born wife Terri and the devastation of his sudden death.

"Two-year old BOB, (Steve's son), doesn't know his father is gone. He asks: "When is daddy coming home?" The other day when the family was packing Steve's camping gear, Bob smiled, "Mmmm, smells like daddy." Speaking to Star magazine this week, widow Terri's parents, Julie and Clarence Raines of Eugene, Ore. say Terri will "absolutely" now be more cautious with her children around animals. "Things have changed...We were all shocked." About the little Irwin family: "Kids need play time, but Terri s so distraught, she's overcome with sadness. They were madly in love. Their connection was beyond this Earth!"

The animals have lost their best friend and the world has lost an exuberant prince whose likes will not be seen again. His larger than life spirit can never be extinguished. Deepest sympathy to his lovely family.

SOMETIMES BEING A COPYCAT IS A GOOD THING...

As we wrote in our blog, "Madonna: The World's Greatest Female Impersonator" nobody does it better or more brilliantly "and now she's taking a page from Angelina's playbook and donating $3 million to the AIDS ravaged African nation of Malawi". Well, according to the world press, it looks like the Material Girl is upping the ante to Angelina's adoption of an Ethiopian AIDS orphan: Madonna's reportedly flying to Malawi with director hubby Guy Ritchie to adopt TWINS or SIBLINGS.

According to the British newspaper The People: "Originally Madonna and Guy planned to adopt only one child. But when they were told that might mean breaking up a family unit they immediately said they would take siblings or twins if that was the right thing to do..."

Ain't it grand that the new Hollywood game of one-upsmanship is not about material luxuries, but philanthrophy on an up close and personal level. Thank goodness the world's orphans can now find comfortable homes and rosy futures because Hollywood's superstars are looking for meaning beyond the material!!

Fight Club at Paris Hilton's Beverly Hills Mansion

"Page Six" reports that big mouth, unemployed oil heir Brandon Davis got a well-deserved punch in the face by Entourage star Kevin Connolly last Thursday night. According to "Page Six", "Paris Hilton held an after hours bash at her Beverly Hills home. Pamela Anderson, Courtney Love, Dave Navarro and past Hilton conquests Paris Latsis and Stavros Niarchos, arrived with Davis, Nicky Hilton and Nicky's boyfriend Connolly...Brandon and Nicky decided to run around and call everyone a 'loser' and a 'whore'...Connolly didn't like either word and when the oil heir (fresh out of rehab) wouldn't stop, Connolly "smacked him".

Time to start judging folks by the content of their character and not the size of their trust funds. Brandon Davis exhibited contemptuous behavior by publicly taunting ex-girlfriend Lindsay Lohan, calling her "firecrotch" and other unmentionables. His family immediately shipped him off to rehab for a couple of weeks. For 'loser' and 'whore' to replace, "Hi honey" is a depressing barometer of just how befuddled this new "Lost Generation" is. Happiness is not shallow, nihilism is!!

And the Cow Jumped Over the Moon...

Speaking of happiness, Marsha Krane of Wire Services reports: "Happy cows give more milk," according to Romanian farmer Ion Astarastoaie.

And that, he said is why he and four other farmers planted pot in their pastures. "We grew it because the cows seemed to like it."

Even a Hollywood Career Beats Digging Ditches

Just ask singer Rod Stewart who dug graves before hitting it big. Julianna Margulies, formerly of ER, packed up dead people's belongings to return to their loved ones. The gorgeous Michelle Pfeiffer toiled as a supermarket checker before checking out for screen stardom. Elvis and Rock Hudson were truckdrivers before they got personal chauffeurs. Bruce Willis worked as a bartender at the fabled Studio 54, while Vin Diesel strong-armed unruly patrons as a bouncer. Chris Rock slung fries at McDonald's, while Tony Danza duked it out as a boxer. Alicia Keys credits prostitutes working Times Square in NYC with her wildly successful music career. She vowed to do anything to stay off the streets. "I remember promising myself that nothing would ever trap me into a life like that."

If you can conceive and believe a dream, and hold on for dear life no matter what, you will achieve it!

CELEBRITY LIVES CAN MAKE ANYONE'S HEAD SPIN...

Courtney Love inspires Whitney Houston NOT to quit a minute before the miracle?!!

Could the bad girl rocker be the sponsor and inspiration behind Whitney's about face? According to Perez Hilton, "Courtney Love has been to hell and back and the rock legend is using her survivor status to help fellow embattled singer Whitney Houston. Courtney and Whitney have forged a new friendship and it is with the help of Kurt Cobain's widow and Bobby Brown's soon-to-be former wife kicked drugs (as reported in this week's Us Weekly)."

Wow, do we want this item to be TRUE. One day at a time, girls. The highest high is in helping others, just ask Angelina!

Things are never what they seem...The coroner in the case of Anna Nicole Smith's tragic son Daniel got a pink slip yesterday, and it looks unlikely that a coroner's inquest will EVER be convened. According to today's NY POST, the spin offered by the Bahama's Chief Judge Roger Gomez goes something like this: "Partly because of the Anna Nicole Smith case, a number of persons have complained to the court how this case is being heard in such a short period of time (Oct 23). We are trying to get rid of a backlog." The Chief Judge seems to be challenging his fired coroner's initial findings, saying: "So far they (Anna Nicole's own pathologist Cyril Wecht, et al) have not been able to determine a cause of death. If the reports state it's natural causes, there will be no need for an inquest."

Celebrities are different than you & me. They can: (a) get justice quicker than anyone else, (2) delay justice indefinitely, (3) escape justice totally. Who knows what really cause young Daniel's death. Some theories: he took a combination of legally prescribed and over-the-counter drugs that were lethal, it was an undiagnosed heart problem or aneurysm. A young man dies in a hospital room while visiting his mother and is discovered when it's too late. Fact is stranger than fiction. There are reports that Anna Nicole is sedated most of the time, but in her waking moments, she keeps repeating: "I can't believe my baby's gone." No matter what one thinks of the public Anna Nicole, deepest, heartfelt condolences go out to the mother on the loss of her precious son.

Liz Taylor gives the middle finger to old age & poor health! According to the British tabloid, the Daily Mail, the 8 times married 74-year old movie legend and perfume tycoon left her wheelchair and "donned a mask and snorkel, and plunged feet first into the Pacific Ocean for a shark-viewing expedition. Later describing the experience as the 'most exciting thing' she's ever done." Never-say-die Elizabeth gamely went into a lO ft. x 6 ft. Plexiglas cage and was lowered into shark infested waters.

In this youth besotted culture, never ever count a feisty old broad out. Some people see challenges as stumbling blocks, while others see them as stepping stones. It's never too late or too early to make your choice and own your dream.

Mourning Mom Sells Out Before Rites

The NY POST reports that Anna Nicole Smith's 20 year old son Daniel was taking antidepressants after a heartbreaking split with his girlfriend. He died September 10 in his mother's hospital room in Nassau, the Bahamas while visiting her and his newborn sister. A producer on Anna Nicole's last movie, Illegal Alien, reported that Daniel was hospitalized with an irregular heartbeat during the filming, according to Fox entertainment reporter Dorothy Lucey. The mystery into his death after uncontrollably coughing up blood and vomit deepens with conflicting pathologists' findings: Anna Nicole's independent investigator says after his autopsy of young Smith that he hasn't detetmined the cause of death. The local coroner told TMZ less than a week before that she was certain what killed him.

Meanwhile, according to TMZ: "Representatives for Anna Nicole Smith have wrangled more than $600,000 from the glossies and TV outlets for pictures taken of Daniel Smith and his mother and baby half-sister just before his death hours later."

Anna Nicole was reportedly inconsolable after her son's death and had to be sedated. As a teenage mom, she and Daniel had a close bond and grew up together. He remained steadfastly loving, and a little bit embarrassed during her wild drug use, public battles with weight and a lengthy court battle for her share of the estate of her late 89-year old tycoon husband. How does a grief stricken mother negotiate a deal for her late son's images before the funeral is even scheduled? Maybe we're downright antediluvian...

Howard Stern might be finding out that conventional wisdom is just that: Folks don't want to pay for something they're used to getting for free. The NY POST reports that since Stern left terrestial radio at CBS for pay radio ($13 a month subscriptions) and a $500 million deal at Sirius last January, "traffic to Stern's Web site was down a whopping 71 percent and his search-engine action plunged 90 percent."

Maybe the model to look to is the Internet with its video and audio podcasts. Advertising revenues fuel most enterprises, not paid subscriptions. TO REPEAT, PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO PAY FOR WHAT THEY'RE USED TO GETTING FOR FREE, even if you are the self-proclaimed "King of All Media".

The British newspaper, Daily Mail, reports that, "Brad Pitt has been lined up to replace Tom Cruise in the next Mission Impossible film. It is a move that will make Pitt the highest paid actor in Hollywood history. Paramount Pictures, the company behind the franchise, ended their long-running partnership with Cruise and is planning to install Pitt in the lead role."

The morality tale here: careful whose couch you jump on and which new mother you criticize for post-partum depression...

Question of the day: Were screen icons Katherine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy really the romantic couple offscreen that has been portrayed in Hollywood legend or was there a buried, deep dark secret?

Listen to our podcast and read our blog, "Angelina Jolie & Kate Hepburn: Honesty And Lesbian Flings Are Sexy" COMING SOON!!!

Now, be the FIRST to go out and spin the down and dirty truth behind the headlines...

Young Hollywood Goes Wild

"Mary Kate Olsen has been the victim of man-stealers in the past. (She lost Stavros Niarchos to Paris Hilton, who then lost him to Lindsay Lohan)... kept a tight rein on her new unidentifiable "rocker-type beau" when she and sister Ashley hung out at Bungalow 8," according to "Page Six". The tiny twin got into a huge fight with another gal and then started a torrid make-out session with him to mark her territory.

Stavros Niarchos is the grandson of the late shipping billionaire who married two sisters, TINA ONASSIS and her sister EUGENIE. They both ended up dead during their marriage to the elder Niarchos. Many suspect Niarchos beat Eugenie to death. Tina then married him to spite her ex-husband ARISTOTLE ONASSIS, Niarchos's rival in the Greek shipping business. The international beauty was found dead of a drug overdose shortly thereafter. So Mary Kate, Paris and Lindsay better a rocker-type beau than a Greek bearing gifts!!

Speaking of Lindsay Lohan, she's been hospitalized again after breaking her left wrist in two places after a fall at a New York Fashion Week party on Friday. She flew home to LA and the fabulous PerezHilton.com reports that Lindsay paid another visit to the ER on Sunday. "She appeared to be in alot of pain and a hospital source reveals she was prescribed painkillers."

Could Lindsay still have been upset after a yelling match with her mom Dina at a NY restaurant where they were celebrating Dina's 60th birthday party? Distraction is one of the leading causes of accidents. Lindsay told her mom to "go to hell" according to the NY POST, and stormed out leaving her mother "crying and shaking". Seems Dina got distracted too, failing to leave a tip on the $2,000 bill. Both distracted ladies did get together the next evening after Dina drove in from her Long Island home to visit Lindsay in the ER. Perhaps a little less partying and more quality family time in therapy would help?!!

Can You Guess Who? From "Page Six" of the NY POST..."WHICH famous tycoon's ex-wife keeps getting "exhausted"? Every few months, she checks into the Passages of Malibu rehab center for a "rest"... Seems poet Edna St. Vincent Millay was on to something over 70 years ago when she wrote: "My candle burns at both ends, it will not last the night..." Fame & fortune can be good for the wallet and ego but bad for one's health.

What's Johnny Depp's pet fetish since his high school days?

For the answer, listen to Thursday's Starr Secrets podcast!!

Now go out there and have a great day making everyone's head SPIN!!

Hottest Daily Celebrity Dish: STARR SPIN

Coming Monday, September 18th, Starr News becomes STARR SPIN!

The HOTTEST daily celebrity dish with the real story behind the headlines.

Starr Sisters Become Pop-storians™

We spent an evening with ten 20-something fans of our blogs and podcast. Because of their input and suggestions we are now proud to call ourselves "Pop-storians".

One member of the group summed it up best: "You know what you are? You are Pop-storians. You give the reader mind-blowing fun by comparing popular culture and historical parallels. You reunite the family and all generations. It feels so right and it's so much fun!"

Page Six of The New York Post Features Starr Sisters of Malibu

Wednesday, September 6th, everybody's favorite sisters, The Starr Sisters of Malibu, landed another RED HOT item on the world's most read celebrity gossip column, "Page Six".

The article entitled "Enough, Already!", highlights the girls' BLOGS, PODS, and recent BOOK PROPOSAL:"Starr Secrets: Down and Dirty Truths About Today and Yesteryear's Celebrities", which is being shopped all over New York by agent Matt Cohen of the Marianne Strong Literary Agency.

For more information visit our Press page.

StarrSecrets.com Launched

Today version 2.0 goes public.