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Friday, October 27, 2006

NAOMI CAMPBELL KO's DRUG COUNSELOR

Superthug supermodel Naomi Campbell has been arrested yet again for another alleged assault. The British network Sky News and The Sun of Lonndon reported the ugly tempered, venomous vixen attacked her drug counselor in London while taking the drug tests required to renew her visa to work in the U.S.

The woman claims she was attacked and scratched all over the face in a Westminster house by the adrenaline laced mannequin. Police arrested Campbell at 1:20 pm for an alleged assault and took her to the central London police station.

The pugilistic diva has a history of being accused of assault by at least six other people who have worked for her as assistants or maids. A few required stitches and/or hospitalization.

It's high time this sick superbitch got booked for an even grudge match. We suggest a pay-per-view slugfest with her ex-boyfriend Mike Tyson, gloves off, of course. If this karmic booomerang doesn't come off, perhaps a 1 to 5 year stretch in a women's prison might be in order. We'll see whose bitch this bitch will be...Until then would someone please put this domestic batterer in a cage strewn with Ritalin?!!

TOMKAT WEDDING RUSE?

While the paparazzi assemble outside George Clooney's Italian villa on Lake Como for the November 18 nuptials of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, The New York Post's Cindy Adams claims to have the inside scoop: the duo is actually tying the knot at Rome's Hassler Hotel atop the Spanish Steps.

Take your choice: camp out at beautiful Lake Como or at the historic, scenic hilltop location in Rome. We'd rather stay in Malibu and join the celebrity protesters Halle Berry, Darryl Hannah, Cindy Crawford, Ted Danson, Jane Seymour and Pierce Brosnan in their demonstration against a proposed 13-story floating natural gas terminal scheduled to be built off our shoreline. Besides the bevy of celebrities, fans, paparazzi and television networks from around the globe that mobbed Surfrider Beach in Malibu last Sunday, other famous Malibu residents Barbra Streisand, Cher, Jamie Lee Curtis, Danny DeVito, Tom Hanks, Olivia Newton-John and Martin Sheen have signed a letter opposing the terminal. The document says "it poses a significant and potentially irreversible negative impact to our coast, our environment and to the health and safety of our families..." Talk about a cause celebre!

SURPRISE: PARIS HILTON FOR SALE TO HIGHEST BIDDER

Wanna bag Paris Hilton for New Year's Eve? Well, for a mere $100,000, plus an expense account and a private jet, the celebutante will host a soiree in your honor in either Los Angeles, New York or Miami.

We're told Paris will not stay for more than 10 minutes, proving that amazingly there are certain occasions when the heirhead can count to 10!!

IS SIR PAUL NOT SIR GALAHAD AFTER ALL?

In the bitter divorce between Paul McCartney and his second wife Heather Mills, many were stunned last week by allegations that the 64 year old mild mannered rock god abused his amputee wife by not letting her use a bedpan so she wouldn't have to crawl in the middle of the night to the bathroom. She asserts he didn't want t feel like he lived in an old age home. Nobody believed such behavior possible from Sir Paul. Some upper crust British dame even sniffed: "If it's true, I must say I'd make this one exception to advocate domestic abuse." (Not funny, lady!!)

Well, get ready for your smug, righteous world to be rocked! There are allegations that the former Beatle beat up his first wife Linda. The UK tabloid Daily Mail claims that "Sir Paul McCartney is attempting to block 20 hours of alleged taped revelations from his first wife, said to contain intimate disclosures of the marriage that cast an alternative light on his 29 year marriage to the former Linda Eastman, from being used in his current divorce battle."

Say it ain't so, Paul!! Though his current wife is no saint and has been besmirched in various publications as a sociopathic liar who has prostitution in her earlier, colorful history, it doesn't mean anyone can rush to judgement based on the public face of a beloved celebrity. Mills alleges that McCartney was violent to her on four separate occasions. Batterers can be the most charming people in the world. After all they convince adult women to stick around because it will never happen again. Who knows the truth? But let IT will out.

GUESS WHO?

A helpful quick, easy and cheap idea for a Halloween costume is being proferred by the CityRag blog: "Celebrity Baby Smuggler". Guess the phony British accent on Oprah didn't convince everyone.

ELVIS DETHRONED

Kurt Cobain and not Elvis Presley is now the KING of the top-earning dead celebrity club. The grunge rocker earned $50 million in the last year while the original rock god earned a mere $42. Rounding out the Top Five dead celeb earners are "Peanuts" creator Charles Schulz at $35 million, Beatle John Lennon at $24 million and long deceased physicist Albert Einstein at $20 million, mostly from the lucrative "Baby Einstein" educational videos.

Wanna leave an estate for your family that keeps giving? Get famous before you croak. Now that's estate planning at it's best!!

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great."
Mark Twain


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Tuesday, October 24, 2006

ALL SHRINKS & PRIVATE DICKS TO GREY'S ANATOMY, STAT!!

Seems the obnoxious co-star of ABC's hit show Grey's Anatomy, Isaiah Washington, has a history of aggressive behavior. Last week the good doctor assaulted his co-star Patrick Dempsey on the set, choking him after Dr. McDreamy defended another castmate, T. R. Knight, against Washington's homophobic slurs. This led Knight to out himself publicly the next week.

Now comes word that during a guest stint in 1997 on the TV show High Incident, Washington got into a fight with a crew member that was vicious enough to have the police called in, according to TMZ.com. Then Washington's dark side reared its ugly head again in 2000 in Toronto while filming Soul Food for Showtime. The script called for a peck on the cheek of his actress co-star, but the actor improvised, and attacked with a "forceful, aggressive kiss". The actress screamed. Washington screamed at her. When the producer and director tried to calm the situation, Washington "went off" on them, too. The hair-trigger actor has yet to apologize to his co-stars on Grey's Anatomy, but he will be on Ellen tomorrow to charm the pants off of her and us.

If this guy wasn't an actor on a hit show, he'd be under arrest for assault and battery. His past behavior would've landed him at least in an anger management class. Stardom with all its perks should carry a responsibility. Bad behavior not only should be outed, but punished to the fullest extent of the law. Yeah, he'll be charming lesbian Ellen tomorrow to show he's not homophobic. It's the most mundane M.O. of the classic abuser. We implore the country of Malawi: Do not give this man a baby...

ANNA NICOLE'S BABY DADDY GAME

Seems Anna Nicole has exhausted the "Let's Not Name The Real Father" game. The lucky winner by default seems to be photographer Larry Birkhead. First, she tried to pin the paternity tail on wealthy Myrtle Beach real estate developer, Gaither Ben Thompson, with whom she had a long term sexual relationship, according to TMZ.com. Her alleged designated baby daddy, her personal, full service attorney, Howard K. Stern, accompanied her to South Carolina during this torrid affair. After inquiring about Thompson's wealth, she informed him that he was the father of her daughter.

Thompson thwarted her dreams of financial fairies dancin' in her head by revealing that was impossible as he already had a vasectomy. That's when she allegedly confessed to the realtor that the photographer was indeed the sperm donor. Shutterbug Birkhead has filed legal papers in Los Angeles to establish paternity.

There's yet another twist in this never-ending sap (oops, soap) opera. Seems the house in the Bahamas where Anna Nicole and her lawyer are staying , which she claimed to own to establish legal residency, was actually owned by her ex-lover Thompson. TMZ learned from Thompson's lawyer that the realtor sold the former stripper his home on credit, but she never paid a cent. She's in default and about to be evicted.

"If the Bahamian government believes the alleged home purchase was a scam to gain residency, Anna Nicole could be deported," reports TMZ.

A slutty Daisy Mae goes to the big city and finds alot of rich men to shtup her. She even finds one old coot billionaire to marry her. They don't care that she has a room temperature IQ, the cooth of Cro-Magnon man and makes Marie Antoinette look like a Quaker. After all, life size blow up Barbie dolls are NEVER out of fashion.

SHARON OSBOURNE: GOODBYE, RUBBER BAND DIETING

Dogged by an eating disorder since age 14, the loquacious, ballsy Sharon Osbourne, wife of madman Ozzy, decided in 1999 to have gastric-band surgery, a fairly non-invasive laparoscopic procedure that reduces the stomach capacity. She lost 125 pounds as a result. But now the cravings are back and she's put on 15 pounds in a year. Overeating with this procedure is a dangerous guilty pleasure, leading to excessive vomiting and a risk of tearing the esophagus. Sharon has survived cancer, empty nest syndrome and her husband's alcohol and drug use and a near fatal accident on an ATV. Now she's facing up to another tough battle: overeating is a psychological problem that has no quick fix. She's tried overspending, surgery and hiding in frenetic, non-stop activity.

Sharon's has made a courageous decision. She's having the gastric-band removed and is going into therapy to find out what's eating at her. "My kids, their whole life, have seen me struggle with weight. They say, 'Now you need to spend time on your head'."

"Nothing tastes as good as thin feels." It's a long way from knowing this to LIVING this. Love to you, Sharon. There's nothing you can't do! Thanks for the unremitting honesty that keeps you forever in our hearts.

THE HETEROSEXUAL HANDICAP

"Well, I'm certainly not going through life with one hand tied behind my back."

Legendary dead at 24 actor James Dean, when asked if he was gay.

GETTING IT OFF HER CHEST...

An 80 year old Iowa woman has made her last wishes abundantly clear. Mary Wohlford had the words "DO NOT RESUSCITATE" tattooed on her chest last February. She also has a living will hanging off the side of her refrigerator. When you gotta go, you gotta go...


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Monday, October 23, 2006

MADONNA'S BABY DADDY CRIES FOUL

After an international ping pong match between new adoptive mom Madonna, the world press and outraged international adoption rights groups, Babydonna now has another volley to return. Seems Yohane Banda, the birth dad of 13-month old David, now claims he wasn't fully informed that he was relinquishing legal custody of his child permanently. "I am just realizing the meaning of 'adoption'," the illiterate Banda told the press. "If we were told she wants to take the baby as her own, we would not have consented, because I see no reason I should give up my son." However, the Malawi farmer added that he does not want his son returned to the orphanage.

Fear not concerned citizens of the world! It has just been announced that Madonna will explain all to us Oct. 25th through the benevolent god of talk shows, Oprah Winfrey. We'd like to ask the Material Girl, known in certain circles as Esther, a few questions of our own. (1) With your iconoclastic view of the Catholic Church and its foibles, how could you take a missionary position in regard to your $3 donation to Malawi schools & orphanages, stipulating that teaching Kabbalah to kids is a condition for the gift? (2) Is it true that you were set to adopt a California orphan until a dinner with Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt convinced you to adopt an African tot? (3) Have you consulted Mia Farrow who began adopting Third World and disabled tots in the 60's and ended up with 13 children? (4) Is channeling entertainer extraordinaire and ex-patriate (like yourself) Josephine Baker on your "must do" list? Baker fled racism in '20s America to find fame & glory in Paris dancing with only bananas around her waist. She went on to adopt 12 children of different ethnicities which she called her Rainbow Tribe to prove that different races could live in harmony. Viva adoptive show biz parents!!

ANNA NICOLE'S SON BURIED ON DAY 39

A cemetery in the Bahamas was the scene last Thursday afternoon for tragic Daniel Smith's burial. He was laid to rest in a mahogany casket wearing his favorite trucker cap and jeans. His mother ANNA NICOLE SMITH wore a couture mourner's outfit custom-made by the same designer who made her faux wedding gown. In the obscenely long period between Daniel's death from a drug overdose, his mother: (1) sold the last known photos of her son with his new baby sister for $600,000, (2) staged a fake wedding with her long time personal lawyer, claiming that he and not photographer Larry Birkhead is the baby's daddy. She sold those photos for close to a $1 million, (3) allegedly bribed the Bahamian government to fast track her citizenship application to avoid being legally forced to submit to paternity tests. Anna Nicole was heard screaming at Daniel's funeral: "I don't want a husband, I want my son!"

Here's a question we'd like to ask: Daniel took 7 times the prescribed dosage for both Zoloft and Methadone. He was depressed, that explains the antidepressants in his system. But where did he get the Methadone? Anna Nicole's been accused by the alleged father of her daughter, Larry Birkhead, of being a Methadone addict who was admitted to rehab in the 7th month of her pregnancy. Why is there no investigation as to how Daniel got the Methadone?

PARIS IS A SKANK AND A PRUDE...ISN'T THAT AN OXYMORON?

Former Backstreet Boy Nick Carter, ex-boyfriend of Paris Hilton, tattles to the British tabloid, News of the World, that the airhead heiress is not the bomb, but a sexual dud in bed because she was wasted on drugs. He told Georgina Dickinson that, "She was a drunken prude who as far as I can see did not really like sex. She relied on drinks to give her confidence in the bedroom and was more often than not too wasted to even perform. I lost count of the nights I had to pick her off the floor and drag her to bed passed out." He went on to say that she was so hooked on drugs that she smuggled it on airplanes in teddy bears!

Who says chivalry is dead?! Nick's reality show with the IQ challenged Carter clan is a red neck grudge match that never ends. It should be called "The Thrilla in Vanilla"...As for Paris' libido, we told you months ago that she herself admitted that she wasn't that into sex and that her boyfriends were sorely disappointed with having to wake her up in the middle of sex for a call on her sidekick...Paris liberate yourself. Close the shop to all foreign invaders for awhile.

TOM CRUISING FOR A BRUISING

It seems the actor's couch jumping and psychiatry bashing caused a mass exodus of lots of his fans. Even his apology to Brooke Shields after he publicly criticized her for taking medication for postpartum depression couldn't add luster to his tarnished image. Once Tom Cruise ranked among the 10 most popular stars in opinion polls by Marketing Evaluations Inc. He now ranks a bleak No. 650.

What a fascinating lesson in the power of today's Hollywood publicist. Once he fired his long-time publicist, Pat Kingsley, and hired his fellow Scientologist sister, all hell broke loose. Mr. Nice Guy or fanatical cultist with a superiority complex: will the real Tom Cruise please stand up, 3 inch lifts and all!

QUESTION OF THE DAY

Which Hollywood fitness fanatic and leading man has his hairline back thanks to surgery and Rogaine? Unfortunately, Mr. Stud Muffin now requires more Viagara than Hugh Hefner to flex a certain muscle for the ladies due to side effects of the drug treatment.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"Honey, one inch less and he'd be the Queen of Hollywood."

Actress Carole Lombard, observing that size DOES count, during her marriage to the King of Hollywood, Clark Gable.

HAVING A GAS AT A POLITICAL RALLY VERBOTEN!!

Police in Poland have extended their dragnet and gone to Interpol for help in the search for a political dissident who passed gas when asked what he thought of the President. Hubert Hoffman, 45, charged with "contempt for the office of the head of state", failed to show up for his trial on the charge, setting off the manhunt.


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