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Thursday, October 19, 2006


Lady Madonna is firmly entrenched in the British aristocracy and shares its love of bloodsports. Here's what New York Post columnist Cindy Adams says about that: "If you're not already up to your eyeballs in Madonna and her adoption, and her Africa and her kabbalah and what she's doing, here's more of what she's doing: She rents out her English estate Ashcombe House, give or take a few quid, for $20,000 a day. For pheasant shoots. Not peasants. Pheasants. Well, seems her gamekeeper decided they're running low on birds for these rich folks to kill, so he's importing more pheasants from the wilds of France. For shooting and killing purposes."

Now are we crazy or what, but isn't the Material Girl (and new tribal mom) a fanatical vegetarian who eschews violence as per the teachings of Kaballah which says that for every action, there is a reaction. Violence begets violence, etc. etc. Seems this week she's adhering to Ayn Rand's credo of the shameless worship money as a religion. Money begets more money. The ends justify the means, blah, blah, blah. Jeez, Madonna...oops, Esther, make up your mind: saint or money whore, oligarch or woman of the people.
You're givin' us vertigo!


Ten years ago we told the King of Pop a move to Ireland would be good for his soul. The love and goodness of the Irish people and their hospitality cannot help but heal any troubled soul. The added ingredient of mysticism and ubiquitous legends just adds to the country's charm and allure. The Emerald Isle is a magical land where all kinds of transformations are indeed possible. We hope Michael will look up our dear friend, world famed Irish psychic Mary Malone, the most loving and talented spirit we've ever encountered here on earth.

Cindy Adams reports that, "While house-hunting in Ireland, Michael Jackson's renting in Youghal, County Cork, for six months. He took his nicely mannered kids to a local hotel where a wedding was in process. To those in charge, the children said politely, 'We're not allowed to eat sweets, but may we please taste the wedding cake?' The happy kids were fed giant gooey slabs but, unless they plan to do two ceremonies a week, these junior Jacksons won't ever be part of today's pediatric obese."


Famous actors are now talking about their first kiss. Sandra Bullock: "It was through the bedroom window. His friend got on all fours, and he stood on his pal's back to get high enough." Brad Pitt: I was in fourth grade. We actually made a plan, like this business deal, to meet in her garage. After a half hour of working up courage, I kissed her. Then I ran home..." Matthew McConaughey remembers: "Amy had braces, and my lip got caught." Denise Richards' first kiss was with a boy who'd had his front teeth removed the day before. Heather Graham, who is not known for being the sharpest tool in the shed, recounted: "I was 9. This boy I had a crush on said, 'If I give you a dollar, will you kiss me? I said, 'I don't know.' Then, 'What if I give you 50 cents?' I finally did it for free."


In another octopus-like move to corner ALL the world's revenue, voters in a state that already has legalized gambling and prostitution are gonna decide if they want to go into the marijuana business. If a ballot measure passes on Nov. 7, Nevada will be the first state to let adults possess up to an ounce of pot AND buy it at government-regulated pot shops.

Passing the bong while playing strip polka at the Bunny Ranch...Don't they do that already?!!

Anna Nicole Watch

Day 39. Daniel Smith remains unburied.

Quote of the day

"My daddy warned me about men and liquor, but he never mentioned women and cocaine."

Famed bisexual actress Tallulah Bankhead, a southern belle whose daddy was Speaker of the House in the U.S. House of Representatives (D-Alabama). The ultimate wild child, she slept with Greta Garbo and Hattie McDaniel, who played Mammy in "Gone With The Wind".

Now, be the FIRST to go out and spin the down & dirty truths behind the headlines...

Tuesday, October 17, 2006


Well, the world might be discussing the propriety of Madonna's move to adopt a 1 year old Malawi tot who has a loving father and granny, but the Material Girl has ruled. The little tyke got whisked away by Madonna's minions yesterday to begin life in the lap of luxury at the diva's London townhouse. Madonna and her filmmaker husband, Guy Ritchie, were granted an interim adoption of baby David. This gives the showbiz parents 18 months temporary custody during which time they will be evaluated by the courts of Malawi.

This is a no-brainer. Madonna's $3 million gift to the orphanage and other programs certainly insures a favorable report. Let's just hope that the little tyke in the end gives his ubermensch mutter a glowing report card. Steven Spielberg once told his free-spirited, ageless mom, Leah Adler: "I won the lottery when I got you as a mom!" May little David say the same thing to his new mommy one day and we'll all happily SHUT UP....


Genetic lottery winner, Brandon Davis, grandson of the gargantuan late oil billionaire, Marvin Davis, may still have a big mouth, but he appears to be running out of dough. The perennial Paris Hilton sidekick and boorish blowhard routinely makes fun of Lindsay Lohan's privates ("firecrotch") and finances ("She's only got $7 million). Well, it appears there is a God. The unemployed, IQ challenged, alleged heir wrote a check to "Girls Gone Wild" creator Joe Francis for $10,000 and it bounced, refused because of "insufficient funds" according to "Page Six". It appears he also owes big bucks to a record producer and a casino owner.

Better watch that your always wobbly legs don't get broken in a dark alley like the common folk, Mr. Faux Rich Boy. By the way, we hear that you owe more than one young lady an IOU for your performance in the sack. It would appear Mr. Big Shot has no currency in the REAL world.


Day 37 and still no burial for tragic Daniel Smith. He remains in a vault drawer at the morgue in the Bahamas.


Seems my ex-creative writing instructor at John Jay College of Criminal Justice, former Playboy Playmate Alice Denham, has penned a down and dirty tell-all book, "Sleeping With Bad Boys". The formerly sexy prof tattles that the legendary actor James Dean "was a tender and considerate lover" who was totally hung up on her 36 double D's as soon as he got a load of 'em: "You're so huge for a small girl," he told her. "Jimmy was a t--man, and he loved to nuzzle. He was so skilled." Then in a purely Elvis move, the doomed star asked the woman who I fought with for an "A": "Are you my mother? You are, I think. You look like her." Hugh Hefner chose the future prof as a playmate and proceeded to bed her during a cheesy stag movie. While Hef had "staying power and was a good ride", it was nothing personal. Because the bookish former Bunny is a former academic, she throws ex-lovers Norman Mailer and Philip Roth into the mix, lest we think she's gone Hollywood.

I vividly remember Prof. Denham disrobing during class to the delight of my cop classmates. It seems she was always hot in her sweater and needed to strip down to her undergarment to continue her ascent in the world of pedagogy. She actually outdid the original superstar stripper, Gypsy Rose Lee. I really loved this broad, though we didn't always get along. Nobody EVER slept in her class!! (Randa)


The Taliban are hiding behind dense, impenetrable forests of 10 ft. marijuana plants. Canadian forces report that the Taliban terrorists are using the forests for cover. Fighting bush by bush, the Canadians are taking on the unexpected and potent enemy by covering their armored vehicles with the cannabis as camouflage. It's a draw: "Far out, man!"

Now, be the FIRST to go out there and spin the down and dirty truths behind the headlines...

Monday, October 16, 2006


The Anna Nicole Smith spin just keeps spinning out of control. Now her mother, Virgie Arthur, says she believes that her grandson Daniel's death from a drug overdose may have been MURDER. The bereaved Texas grandma told Nancy Grace on CNN Headline News that she thinks the perp was in the hospital room at the time of his death. Mmm...the only folks in that room other than poor Daniel were Anna Nicole and her full service personal attorney, Howard K. Stern, who claims that he, and not Larry Birkhead, is Anna Nicole's baby daddy. Is your head spinnin' faster than the kid in the "Exorcist" yet?!

Granny "Smith", a former cop, said of Daniel's lethal overdose of methadone and antidepressants: "Somebody had to give it to him. He had to get it from somewhere." Leaving little doubt as to the Blame Name, she talked to Grace about attorney Stern marrying Anna Nicole legally and being in line to inherit her millions if anything should happen to her. "If Howard Stern marries her and she ends up dead, then who does the money go [to]? Danny's not there," Granny hypothesised.

TMZ obtained a copy of the birth certificate of Anna Nicole's daughter, Dannielynn, which names attorney Stern as the father. Her marriage to him AND legal demands from Larry Birkhead for a paternity test can't be far off.

Lions and tigers and now murder, oh, my!! We hope to resolve at least one issue next week in our podcast: "Anna Nicole Smith's Baby Daddy Revealed". Stay tuned!!

MEL GIBSON...What would Jesus do?

Eyewitnesses report that allegedly contrite alcoholic actor Mel Gibson yelled at a young man who accused him of being anti-Jewish outside a Malibu church last week: "I'm not anti-semitic. You F**CKING better apologize right now!!" The devout Christian family man allegedly pointed his finger at the young man in a menacing manner. One witness opined that the judge should have sentenced Mr. Gibson to Rageaholics Anonymous, as well as AA.


After strapping herself to a crucifix, straddling a human horse in bondage gear and then recreating herself as a children's book author who spreads the gospel of Kabbalah to Third World countries as a condition of a $3 million donation for education... Madonna's outdone even Madonna THIS time. Cutting threw the red tape of years on an adoption wait list, Madonna went to an orphanage and got herself a one-year old boy from the impoverished African AIDS plagued nation of Malawi. Only problem is he's not an orphan. His mom died at childbirth and his dad and granny, who love him dearly, don't have enough money to keep him. Universal outrage is building that Madonna should have waited her turn AND given money to the tot's dad to raise him in his African homeland.

If this is a publicity stunt for her new children's book coming out October 24, all we can say is retitle it: "The ABC's of staying on top for 25 years: Use your crayons, boys and girls, to copy dead sexpots, S&M mistresses, then make the transition to a new persona with a dead Madonna/whore named Evita until you slide into the revered Dr. Seuss slot as a children's author, then complete this latest incarnation with a copycat adoption of a Third World child just like Josephine Baker in the 20's with her Rainbow Tribe of 12 kids, Mia Farrow in the 60's with her brood of 13, and Angelina Jolie with her adorable Ethiopian and Cambodian adopted tots in the New Millenium."

Suggestion for your next kid's book: "Proust for Children as told in one, long unpunctuated sentence by the major domo chameleon of the 20th & 21st centuries, Madonna, call me Esther..."


Reuters, Kiev, Ukraine - A man shouting that God would keep him safe was mauled to death by a lioness in the Kiev zoo after he crept into the animal's enclosure, a zoo official said Monday.

The man shouted, "God will save me, if he exists," lowered himself by a rope into the enclosure, took his shoes off and went up to the lions," the official said.

"A lioness went straight for him, knocked him down and severed his carotid artery."

This Ukrainian obviously forgot to heed that Old Russian Proverb: "Pray by all means, but keep rowing to shore."

Now, be the FIRST to go out and spin the down and dirty truths behind the headlines...