SURPRISE!! PARIS HILTON'S A PHONY & LINDSAY LOHAN'S AN INGRATE

Ah, the rich and famous are different than you and me...they do it bigger and badder...

Former Backstreet Boy Nick Carter is telling tales outta school to shtick jock Howard Stern about his former girlfriend Paris Hilton and their non-steamy sex life. "In the very beginning you know, she was literally cleaning my carpet in my apartment trying to act all domesticated. And then, before you know it, a month or two goes by and it's back to the old nose up in the air and who are you?"

Hey, Nick...maybe YOUR lovemaking wasn't up to snuff and SHE couldn't fake it anymore!

Well, the guy who found and returned a million bucks worth of diamond jewelry to a grateful, no longer distraught Lindsay Lohan, has yet to receive a thank you from the star of Mean Girls. According to Page Six, chauffeur Tom Webster, "found the star's missing Hermes bag that was stuffed with $1 million worth of jewelry and her asthma medicine at Heathrow Airport earlier this month. He says Lohan's London rep promised him a reward or a thank you note, but so far he's received neither."

Lindsay you're lookin' like less than a million bucks and more like a genuine, bona fide MEAN GIRL. Clean up your act already, and then maybe you'll be able to keep a boyfriend of Harry Morton's calibre!

Fun times with your 3-year old...

"A 3-year old boy in Lincolnshire, England, used his mother's computer to buy a car on eBay for $17,100," according to the New York Post.The seller was kind enough to cancel the bid.

Young Jack's next move is to found a toddler eBay site where he can get bids on baby car seats, old bottles and outdated baby formula. We bet he gets a seat on the New York Stock Exchange before he's 4.

Dead Celebrities are Alive and Well in the Land of Commerce

Audrey Hepburn, dead for 13 years, is now starring in an ad campaign for the Gap, elegantly dancing in a scene from "Funny Face", a movie she made 50 years ago. The spot hawks slender, black Gap jeans for a New Millennium of consumers. The ever magical Hepburn joins her dead show biz friends Fred Astaire (Dirt Devil), John Wayne (Coors) and Humphrey Bogart (Diet Coke) on the posthumous marketing campaign trail.

We love the style and panache of Old Hollywood so it's fun to see them as really classy snake oil salespeople. They are, and always will be, the gift that keeps giving!!

ANNA NICOLE SMITH'S SON DIED OF DRUG RELATED CAUSES...

Cyril Wecht, the independent pathologist hired by Anna Nicole to determine the cause of her son Daniel's death announced his findings yesterday. It appears young Daniel died of a "tragic, accidental drug related death. Methadone and two antidepressants.

Zoloft and Lexapro, had a lethal cumulative affect on the central nervous system that stopped his heart."

Anna Nicole's personal lawyer of many years, Howard K. Stern, announced on The Larry King Show on CNN Tuesday night that newspaper accounts of Daniel's death were incorrect. It seems as dawn approached, Daniel slipped into Anna Nicole's bed to keep her company and fell asleep. Ann Nicole awoke to find him not breathing. She screamed for help. But it was too late, the hospital staff could not revive him. She insisted on trying to bring him back to life and had to be sedated. She fell to her knees sobbing: "Oh, Jesus. Please don't take him, take me."

One gets the sad impression from the King interview that Anna Nicole is so grief stricken that she can't bury him just yet. He died on September 10, his body was released last week, but remains in the coroner's morgue.

In a surprise revelation, the lawyer, Howard K. Stern said he, and not photographer Larry Birkhead, is the father of Smith's newborn daughter, Danilynne Hope, named in honor of her late son. Birkhead is demanding a paternity test.

You gotta say Mr. Stern is a full service attorney.

**Sorry for the short spin. The Starr Sisters are off to film a pilot for a leading viral video company. You may soon see us on over 8 million mobile phones around the world!!

FAMILY VALUES

ANTIDOTE TO PARIS & LINDSAY'S HIGH SCHOOL RELATIONSHIP ANTICS

There are mature, deep loving relationships that still exist in the 21st century. Cindy Adams in today's NY Post writes about the special love shared by the late Aussie Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin and his American born wife Terri and the devastation of his sudden death.

"Two-year old BOB, (Steve's son), doesn't know his father is gone. He asks: "When is daddy coming home?" The other day when the family was packing Steve's camping gear, Bob smiled, "Mmmm, smells like daddy." Speaking to Star magazine this week, widow Terri's parents, Julie and Clarence Raines of Eugene, Ore. say Terri will "absolutely" now be more cautious with her children around animals. "Things have changed...We were all shocked." About the little Irwin family: "Kids need play time, but Terri s so distraught, she's overcome with sadness. They were madly in love. Their connection was beyond this Earth!"

The animals have lost their best friend and the world has lost an exuberant prince whose likes will not be seen again. His larger than life spirit can never be extinguished. Deepest sympathy to his lovely family.

SOMETIMES BEING A COPYCAT IS A GOOD THING...

As we wrote in our blog, "Madonna: The World's Greatest Female Impersonator" nobody does it better or more brilliantly "and now she's taking a page from Angelina's playbook and donating $3 million to the AIDS ravaged African nation of Malawi". Well, according to the world press, it looks like the Material Girl is upping the ante to Angelina's adoption of an Ethiopian AIDS orphan: Madonna's reportedly flying to Malawi with director hubby Guy Ritchie to adopt TWINS or SIBLINGS.

According to the British newspaper The People: "Originally Madonna and Guy planned to adopt only one child. But when they were told that might mean breaking up a family unit they immediately said they would take siblings or twins if that was the right thing to do..."

Ain't it grand that the new Hollywood game of one-upsmanship is not about material luxuries, but philanthrophy on an up close and personal level. Thank goodness the world's orphans can now find comfortable homes and rosy futures because Hollywood's superstars are looking for meaning beyond the material!!

Fight Club at Paris Hilton's Beverly Hills Mansion

"Page Six" reports that big mouth, unemployed oil heir Brandon Davis got a well-deserved punch in the face by Entourage star Kevin Connolly last Thursday night. According to "Page Six", "Paris Hilton held an after hours bash at her Beverly Hills home. Pamela Anderson, Courtney Love, Dave Navarro and past Hilton conquests Paris Latsis and Stavros Niarchos, arrived with Davis, Nicky Hilton and Nicky's boyfriend Connolly...Brandon and Nicky decided to run around and call everyone a 'loser' and a 'whore'...Connolly didn't like either word and when the oil heir (fresh out of rehab) wouldn't stop, Connolly "smacked him".

Time to start judging folks by the content of their character and not the size of their trust funds. Brandon Davis exhibited contemptuous behavior by publicly taunting ex-girlfriend Lindsay Lohan, calling her "firecrotch" and other unmentionables. His family immediately shipped him off to rehab for a couple of weeks. For 'loser' and 'whore' to replace, "Hi honey" is a depressing barometer of just how befuddled this new "Lost Generation" is. Happiness is not shallow, nihilism is!!

And the Cow Jumped Over the Moon...

Speaking of happiness, Marsha Krane of Wire Services reports: "Happy cows give more milk," according to Romanian farmer Ion Astarastoaie.

And that, he said is why he and four other farmers planted pot in their pastures. "We grew it because the cows seemed to like it."

Even a Hollywood Career Beats Digging Ditches

Just ask singer Rod Stewart who dug graves before hitting it big. Julianna Margulies, formerly of ER, packed up dead people's belongings to return to their loved ones. The gorgeous Michelle Pfeiffer toiled as a supermarket checker before checking out for screen stardom. Elvis and Rock Hudson were truckdrivers before they got personal chauffeurs. Bruce Willis worked as a bartender at the fabled Studio 54, while Vin Diesel strong-armed unruly patrons as a bouncer. Chris Rock slung fries at McDonald's, while Tony Danza duked it out as a boxer. Alicia Keys credits prostitutes working Times Square in NYC with her wildly successful music career. She vowed to do anything to stay off the streets. "I remember promising myself that nothing would ever trap me into a life like that."

If you can conceive and believe a dream, and hold on for dear life no matter what, you will achieve it!