KRAMER IN THE KRAPPER

Michael Richards joined the Mel Gibson chapter of Bigots Not So Anonymous last Saturday night at West Hollywood's "Laugh Factory" when he threw despicable racial epithets at an audience member who didn't think the comedian's act funny.

We've viewed the exclusive footage footage obtained by TMZ and feel that full disclosure without any censoring is important for fans of Richards' to make an informed decision as to their idol's REAL character.

The guy who played the lovable buffoon Kramer in the smash TV sitcom Seinfeld went ballistic when a black man yelled out: "My friend doesn't think your funny!" Suddenly things went right into the toilet as Richards channeled a Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard and took a huge dump on the audience member. He screamed: "Shut up! Fifty years ago we'd have you upside down with a f****ing fork up your ass"

Continuing his shocking stream of racial venom and profanities, the imploding comic spewed his toxic waste. "Throw his ass out! He's a nigger! He's a nigger! He's a nigger! A nigger, look there's a nigger!"

One of the club patrons who was being insulted, shouted back: "That was uncalled for...un***ing called for..."

The crowd was visibly and audibly upset, to which Richards responds: "They're gonna arrest me for calling a black man a nigger?"

Most of the audience appeared to leave as it eventually sunk in that a lynching by language is no laughing matter.

This incident comes as no surprise to us. Five years ago, a Hollywood producer told us: "Michael Richards is the most miserable, unhappy man in this town."

Michael Richards and Mel Gibson should be exiled to "Fantasy Island" for all eternity with a single box of stale matzoh slathered with out-of-date chitlins and a toilet that doesn't flush, to be shared WITH Adolf Hitler, Jesse Helms and the evangelical hypocrite Reverend Ted Haggard.

TomKat Wedding: Long kiss...short bliss?

As Santayana once theorized: "Those who do not remember the past are bound to repeat it."

Globe trotting, out of this world Scientologist Tom Cruise reportedly kissed his bride, the talented, formerly unchained independent star known as Katie Holmes, for an embarrassingly long three plus minutes. Georgio Armani, who designed the $2.5 million gown, tattled about the "never-ending" kiss that had guests begging for a peckectomy (removal of a perpetual lip lock).

The newlyweds might be staying in the Eternal City, but Tom's memory is short.

Remember the glitzy, gaudy nuptials of the allegedly gay David Gest and Liza Minnelli, the superstar diva with a lavender family tree...A gay grandfather (Judy Garland's father), a gay father (MGM director Vincente Minnelli) and a gay ex-husband (the late and great Peter Allen). Well, this odd couple's marriage lasted for less time than the "kiss the bride" buss which appalled ALL of the guests and had hapless TV viewers heading for the vomitorium.

So, okay, we are not convinced that a long wedding kiss means connubial bliss.

While Liza invited the whole world and a few extraterrestials to her wedding, Tom conspicuously left talking show queens Oprah and Barbara Walters off the coveted guest list. Hey, you have a real "Mission Impossible", Tom...getting back in their good graces. Walters says you swore to invite her, and what's up with dissing Oprah? Do you blame her for YOUR jumping on the couch meltdown? She didn't do anything...the culprit was the springs in your elevator shoes! Good move, lovebirds, inviting Poster Mom Brooke Shields, the target of Tom's post-partum drug tirade. We hope her writer hubby Chris Henchy, is penning a fabulous satire to rival the brilliant Christopher Guest's work.

By the way, speculation is rampant about the official wedding photo which has the vertically challenged superstar Tom the same height as his statuesque hostage, oops, we mean bride. Some theories: She's bending her knees under the wedding dress. She took off her shoes or is standing in a ditch. They dug a hole where Katie is standing and Tom had to step on Giorgio Armani's cigar box collection.

The honeymoon in the remote Maldives will be attended by their best man, the head of the Church of Scientology. No kidding!

We have a beef with the $2.5 million wedding dress with thousands of hand sewn beads. There is an Italian seamstress that is NOW legally blind, and at least two African nations that could've fed their starving citizenry for a few years. TomKat, international PR wisdom says: "Get thee to a Malawi orphanage, anon!"

SUNDAY IS WORLD TOILET DAY...

**The average person visits the toilet 2,500 times a year or 6 to 8 times a day. You spend about three years in the toilet (unless you're Michael Richards).

**When Madonna performed last year on the German TV show Wetten Dass, she refused to use their toilets. The show's producers had to use a crane to bring Madonna's own personal huge luxury toilet into the grounds.

**A woman spends, on average, three times longer than a man on each toilet visit, yet there are usually the same number of public toilets for men and women. Girls Unite! More Johns!

**Queen Elizabeth has to have a new toilet seat EVERYWHERE she visits. It is then destroyed if she "goes" and makes Number One and/or Number Two.

SINGAPORE...WHERE ETIQUETTE REIGNS SUPREME

In the Chinese city where you get your ass caned for littering and for graffiti, they take enforcing good manners to a whole new dimension. In Singapore, it is illegal to have oral sex if it does not lead to full intercourse.

Early Christmas Joke

The three wise men show up to visit the child in the stable. One of the Magi, the good King Balthazar, was Shaq O'Neal tall. He banged his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed.

"Write that down," Joseph told Mary. "It beats Murray!"

Now, be the FIRST to go out and spin the down and dirty truths behind today's headlines...