ANNA NICOLE'S FAILED SEARCH FOR CLASS...

There seems to be an eyewitness to Anna Nicole Smith's use of drugs during her pregnancy. In sworn sealed court documents filed Thursday in Los Angeles Superior Court and obtained by TMZ, Laura Payne alleges that she actually administered pills to the expectant mother from a bottle marked "Methadone" and that she "personally observed" Anna Nicole taking "a rather high dose of Xanax" around the same time, May 2006.

Not so coincidentally, Anna Nicole's dead son Daniel Smith is alleged to have imbibed a lethal combination of methadone, in addition to prescribed antidepressants. This leads some to wonder if his mother's lifestyle contributed to Daniel's demise. An autopsy showed his system had eight times the lethal dose of drugs.

Meanwhile, Anna Nicole in an e-mail to Payne talked of her money woes. "I can't work now so im pretty much f....d for a bit!...sure counting on the court to give me my money...cause all I want to do is move from this house and get a better one and just start over!...and to boot ive gained 30 pounds im horrified!"

Well, the former stripper and widow of an 89 year old billionaIre cadaver got paid $600,000 for the last photos of her with Daniel, then collected close to a $1 million for the bogus "wedding ceremony" to her creepy personal lawyer, Howard K. Stern, and now "Entertainment Tonight" is running an exclusive 2 night interview with the grieving mother with promises of exclusive delivery room footage of Anna Nicole birthing her daughter by unknown paternity. That should be worth another 200 grand, at least. Our feelings of deep sympathy on her unfathomable loss always get screwed up by the money thing. But cashing in on tragedy seems to be a national pastime. Miss Smith, when you get the half billion from your late octagenarian's estate,may we suggest a crash course in Miss Manners as your first expenditure.

BLONDE AMBITION AND RYAN PHILLIPPE

Mr. Reese Witherspoon's inamorata, Australian actress Abbie Cornish, is not a stranger to on set romances. Her former co-stars say the blonde has a history of cozying up to important people who can help her career. Before canoodling wth Ryan Phillippe in Austin, the Down Under gal spent much time on The Golden Age set playing footsies and other things wth director Shekhae Kapur.

What's up with men in Hollywood marriages? Both of the lovely Audrey Hepburn's husbands were serial cheaters, Christie Brinkley can't seem to marry a faithful, adoring hubby, and the fabulous British actress Emma Thompson couldn't keep her man on his side of the bed. If men are from Mars and women from Venus, we wonder how it works in the other galaxies. We've got a call in to Tom Cruise.

SPEAKING OF CONQUESTS...

A recent bedmate of Entourage's Jeremy Piven says that the guy who plays an agent who gets 10 percent from his clients can only give ten percent to his conquests in the sack. The gal goes on to hit the actor below the belt by observing: "Unfortunately, it was not even fun size."

Holy cow! Does this mean that size really does count?!!

HOLLYWOOD QUESTION OF THE WEEK

Which hunky Hollywood star likes to go cruising for bulldogs? No, not the fat, slobbering canine kind. But short, paunchy men with shaved heads and handlebar mustaches.

In the gay world, this star is known as a daddy chaser.

SILLY FACT OF THE DAY

Bonanza's Big Daddy Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator.

No word on how soon the reptile croaked from overdosing on ham.

DUH...

It is illegal to carry ice cream in your pocket in Kentucky.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus." Mark Twain


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MAZEL TOV TO MADONNA'S NEW SON

Little David Banda Ciccone Richie is soon to be blessed with some mighty colorful godparents. Mother Madonna has announced that the ceremony is gonna be a strictly lavender affair with the designated godparents being the openly gay hunky actor Rupert Everett and the gorgeous lesbian Queen of Miami Nightclubs Ingrid Cassares. Madonna and Ingrid had a torrid affair years back and it's nice to see folks can still be friends after a breakup.

We think it's time for everyone to back off and wish the little tyke well in his new plush surroundings. Madonna told Meredith Viera on "Dateline" yesterday that she offered in court to give the father money to support himself and his son and he refused. The Kabbalah kiddie book writer also saved the adorable toddler from certain death after she took him from the orphanage for medical tests and it was revealed he had pneumonia. You gotta ask yourself: "Is David better off today than he was 30 days ago in Malawi?" It's a resounding YES, so let's all bugger off and let the kid get used to a life with no TV, no sweets, British nannies and a mum who will never let ennui creep into his life...

REESE'S MARRIAGE IN PIECES

After 7 years of connubial canoodling, the marriage of barely post-pubescent Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe is kaput. The couple's been in marriage counseling for a few years. They met as actors just starting out, but her career soared while his took a snail's pace to get into mainstream movies. Reports are the divorce could be complicated as Reese now makes $29 million per picture and TMZ reports that there is NO prenup agreement.

Apparently hubby Ryan got a 7 year itch on the set of Clint Eastwood's Flags of Our Fathers. He publicly played footsies (and with other body parts) with Aussie co-star Abbie Cornish in an Austin, Texas Asian restaurant. Showing a smidgen of class, the cheater decided not to use "the sake made me do it" defense. According to US magazine, when confronted by Reese, Ryan admitted it was true and said to his wife: "We need to end this." This was no Freudian slip, but marital suicide by tabloid as Mr. Reese openly immolated himself in the heat of passion.

According to New York Post columnist Liz Smith: "Not only have rumors of trouble buzzed around for several years, but the couple disagreed loudly at the recent Flags of Our Fathers screening in NYC...It was very Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?(An Edward Albee play showing the loud, violent, abusive, boozy disintegration of a marriage. The movie version starred Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton in a reenactment of their own conjugal life together).

Smith goes on to observe: "Miss Witherspoon, who can be a bit, ah, controlling and edgy under the determined blonde perk, seemed especially preoccupied that night."

We never suspected that Reese Witherspoon was at all like other mere mortals. To us, she's the modern day corollary of Audrey Hepburn: bright, impish, strong, determined, down to earth, yet regal, a velvet steamroller of a pixie. Everyone was rooting for this very young couple to make it despite the odds. May the gods of divorce grant you peace and dignity young lovers.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"I want to go to Africa. It's a place where you can really help people. And I'm into safari animals."

Kevin Federline, Mr. Britney Spears and prodigious sperm donor. Warning to anyone contemplating buying K-Fed's album, "Playing with Fire": YOU WILL GET BURNED.

SEE YOU LATER ALLIGATOR...NOT!!

The Sunshine State's wildlife officials have decided to turn the tables on the alligator population which has been devouring joggers and hikers and sundry other Floridians. The beast bureaucrats are recommending that homeowners be allowed to kill the raging reptiles

that sneakily slither onto their property. There is one caveat: selling the alligator will not be allowed, but having a backyard barbequed alligator luai is kosher under the proposed law.

SURPRISE! BIG BUSINESS TITANS CAN BE CRIMINALS

Forget the Enron gangsters, Ken Lay and Jeffrey Skilling, the crooked CPA head honcho at Tyco, Dennis Koslowski, and the infamous Bernie Ebbers of Worldcom. The groundwork for crooked CEOs has its foundation in the Roaring 20's, when crime bosses Lucky Luciano and Meyer Lansky rebuilt the Mafia into a corporate structure, a board of directors and a systematic infiltration of legitimate businesses. The Mob became richer than all the Top Ten American Corporations combined.

Lucky Luciano and Meyer Lansky then teamed up with the U.S. government during World War II. The underworld brokered a deal to get dockworkers, fishermen and hoodlums under Mob control to become the eyes and ears for naval intelligence. As a result, 8 German spies who landed in a U boat off the New York coast were arrested. An imprisoned Luciano got some much need intelligence for the government from his paisans in Sicily for the Allied invasion of Italy. Lucky Luciano was eventually pardoned and deported for his help.

In a somewhat prophetic observation, Luciano said in 1955 he learned much from his experiences. "Next time I'd do it legal. I learned too late that you need just as good a brain to make a crooked million as an honest million. These days you apply for a license to steal from the public. If I had my time again, I'd make sure I'd got that license first."

Excerpted from "Cheat Sheets for Life", (c) 2005, Sistarrs International

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HOCUS POCUS...

Some Halloween magic for our readers. Abe Lincoln once said: "Most people are as happy as they make up their mind to be." This from a depressive who didn't have Prozac to help elevate his mood and married a bipolar who shopped 'til HE dropped. Belief is the magic key. We can live a life of dreams fulfilled or dreams denied. It all depends on what you believe. Here's a great true story to inspire one and all.

Actress Kathy Nijimy (Sister Act, Veronica's Closet) was a 300 lb. teenager who dreamed of being like her two idols: Gloria Steinen and Bette Midler. She plastered her bedroom with their photos. She visualized being in the same room with Steinem and acting with Bette Midler one day. Well, a now slim Nijimy co-starred with Midler in the Disney film, Hocus Pocus, and a year later she was married by Gloria Steinem in her parents' living room in San Diego!

Excerpted from "Cheat Sheets for Life", (c) 2006, Sistarrs International

A HARD DAY'S WORK

Paul McCartney''s succeeded in quelling publication of 15 hours of tapes in which his late wife, Linda McCartney, allegedly vents to her friend and fellow vegan activist, Peter Cox , about her 20 year marriage. A friend of Heather Mills told Britain's Daily Mirror that Sir Paul's amputee wife is planning on calling Cox as a witness if things get messy. Mills' side alleges that the former Beatle was abusive toward both women.

Let Linda sing from beyond the grave. Her audio diary could give her the Number One hit she so craved outside of her famous husband's shadow. Free Linda McCartney At Long Last!!

STELLA RAGES ABOUT HEATHER'S DESIGNS
The News of the World alleges that Sir Paul's pregnant fashion designer daughter, Stella McCartney, went ballistic after hearing that Heather Mills claimed her father hit her late mother, Linda.

"I'm going to kill that bitch!" she screamed." I told you she was a bitch. Why did you marry her?" Stella demanded of her father. "She's been a manipulative cow from day one. The cow won't be happy until she destroys all of us, and our memories of our mother,"

Heather raged.

There are reports that Sir Paul, 64, is drinking heavily and that Stella is under such strain that she has high blood pressure, putting her pregnancy in jeopardy. Stella is so disgusted by the blonde ex-model, she compared her to a pile of vomit, calling her morning sickness, "Heathering".

Alot of people who know the current Lady Paul McCartney say that she makes them sick, too. This long list includes Heather's own father who has volunteered to testify as to her lack of character and honesty on behalf of Sir Paul. This is sure a stomach turning divorce, but great fodder for the world's tabloids. Let's face it, the legendary, deified former Beatle proves that tired old adage: "There's no fool like an old fool." No prenup, Sir Paul. What were you thinking? Oops, sorry, you weren't...

NAOMI CAMPBELL TO JOIN MEL GIBSON IN BOOZE EXCUZE?

According to the London tabloid The Daily Mail, 36 year old runway rageaholic Naomi Campbell was drunk and overcome by fears when she allegedly went off the deep end and attacked her female drug counselor. The sepia stunner was arrested on Wednesday on suspicion of causing bodily harm after the counselor turmed up with bloody scratches down her face.

Enough of the booze excuze...how about taking responsibility for bad character, underdeveloped social intelligence and overdeveloped ego based on nothing sane and rational? Get thee to a 12 step program and volunteer for clean up...the room's and YOURS.

MADONNA AND CHILD FLY TO MEDIA BLITZ

Little David Banda Ciccone Ritchie is barely out a poverty stricken Malawi orphanage a week, and he's already a jetsetter. Madonna flew David and his new siblings, Lourdes, 9, and Rocco, 5, from London to New York yesterday for several days of filming TV interviews with major U.S. networks. Mommydonna is promoting her new children's book and NBC TV special, but it is David's controversial adoption that will be front and center in the media spotlight.

LET'S RAP EMINEM

Proving there ain't no gentlemen in the poetic world of rap, Eminem, decided to kiss & tell this week. He revealed on his Sirius Satellite Radio Show, "Shade 45" that he shtupped Tara Reid, Mariah Carey, Brittany Murphy and, ta-dah...Britney Spears! Ladies, may we suggest making a one-time exception and actually reading a book: "The Ten Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives"?!

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"If you're coasting, you're goin' downhill."

Richard Branson, billionaire entrepreneur & founder/CEO, Virgin International

MACABRE 007...EMBALMED, NOT STIRRED...

Here's a new take on body art. Better make that a double take (or a double, period). German artist Gunther von Hagens is using corpses in various stages of dissection to recreate a poker-playing scene in the upcoming James Bond film, Casino Royale. The cadavers, including one that will be made up to resemble new 007 actor Daniel Craig, will be exhibited at the Plastinarium in Guben, Germany. Marsha Kranes, Wire Services


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