STARS SEARCH FOR MAGIC BEYOND FAME & FORTUNE

Everyone can be a spiritual Rocky, everyone can be a winner, the famous and the ordinary, by connecting the dots on the roadmap leading to your own vision of heaven.

Stars are searching for something beyond the money, the glamour and the fame. They want it ALL, and are turning to ancient teachings and practices to provide the blueprint to their happiness and peace of mind.

The Kabbalah

This 2,000 year old Jewish book of mysticism, shrouded in mystery for centuries and taught to a precious few rabbis, is alleged to contain the secret code to deciphering life. It is no wonder that in an age of computers, this religious/scientific doctrine is gaining popularity.

Demi Moore & Ashton Kutcher and Naomi Judd are drawn to the "mind-body aspect", while Madonna cites her interest in the Kabbalistic belief that, "Every action of every minute is connected to future events. Therefore, we are responsible for our own destiny. We are the producers, directors and writers of our own movie, our life, which has a beginning, middle and end." Her adopted Malawi tot, David Banda, will be in the pre-K program at the Kabbalah Center, founded by the indestructible, ever reincarnating diva.

Dolly Parton, Barbra Streisand, Roseanne are among the growing number of celebrities immersed in studying Kabbalah. Britney Spears and Paris Hilton have dabbled and been photographed wearing the Kabbalah fashionista accessory, the red string bracelet (believed to ward off evil spirits).

Streisand waxes rhapsodic about the Cabalistic concept of of soul connection, the idea that only when you've learned certain lessons do you meet your soulmate. "And I've met mine," she coos about hubby James Brolin. "It's important to be positive about everything negative in your life. A positive spin propels us ahead to success."

Like Buddhism, Kabbalah teaches that reincarnation is necessary for soul perfection. Many lifetimes, many lessons learned. It is rumored that the Catholic Church taught reincarnation until the head of state, Emperor Constantine, became the head of the church. The original manuscripts of these teachings are alleged to be in a vault in the Vatican archives.

Many stars believe in reincarnation for a good reason. They've experience it in THIS lifetime.
Michelle Pfeiffer, Rod Stewart, Elvis Presley, Bruce Willis and Demi Moore in their previous lives were: a supermarket checker, a gravedigger, a truckdriver, a bartender and a teenage runaway.

BUDDHISM

Buddhism is about getting enlightenment by getting out of the self. Many see it as a logical antidote to the ME obsession which brings unhappiness to many over-achievers. Richard Gere is buddies with the Dalai Lama and spends months on end visiting him in Tibet, staying in a tent, not the Llasa Hilton. Other Buddhists like Tina Turner, Goldie Hawn and Patrick Duffy have built altars in their mansions in their practice of "loving kindness". A Hollywood Zen master on the payroll of the stars says: "In Buddhism, we study the self. To study the self is to forget the self. To forget the self is to be enlightened by ALL things. All learning is unlearning. We must empty our mind of cherished notions and assumptions."

STEVEN SPIELBERG TEAMS UP WITH THE ANCIENTS

Steven Spielberg and Albert Einstein are both time travelers straddling a light beam. Both are mystics who plugged into the past to see the future. (That's how it's done folks. So be nice to the elderly!)

The five-tone vibration heard in Close Encounters was first heard by the ancient Greek mathematician Pythagoras. He discovered this five-tone scale and called it "The Music of the Spheres". As the 2,000 year old tale goes, no one but Pythagoras could hear this universal tone. But one day we would ALL hear it when we lived in harmony with ourselves and with each other.

So by having everyone hear this five-vibration tone emanating from the spaceship,
Spielberg shows us that the future comes to teach us what the ancients ALREADY knew.

In the movie ET, the ancient art of hands on healing is shown in a modern world. The positive energy from ET's lit finger touches and heals the little boy's cut finger. The little boy's profession of love tranforms the dying ET back to life and turns on his heart light. Spielberg, ever the avatar, shows us the timelessness of love as the alchemist for ALL miracles.

Oprah Winfrey says she's experienced amost 200 miracles since deciding to live in love. "I now approach EVERY single incident and person in my life as an opportunity to love and weave a web of goodness." This Christmas, Oprah and best friend Gayle King will be in South Africa setting up a school for orphaned, poor girls to train them to be tomorrow's leaders.

Secrets to a fabulous life...

Touched by an Angel was a huge hit because people ALWAYS feel good about love: heavenly and earthly. In a fast paced, perplexing world, a positive constant is reassuring. Everything and everybody and everyplace in every era are connected on the golden web of love that is manifested through signposts, prayer, intuition and the miracle of overcoming all adversity through faith in good.

As Penny Marshall says about her friend, Rosie O'Donnell: "Those who bring sunshine to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves."

Have a fabulous and exciting Holiday Season!! Enjoy the ride...

(c) 2006, Sistarrs International

P.S. May we squeal our heartfelt condolences to George Clooney on the loss of his significant other of 18 years...his potbellied pet pig Max. Gorgeous George admits to this being his longest relationship ever. But let's face it, Hog Heaven is a far better place than here for the arthritic, partially blind porcine partner. Max saved George during the 1994 earthquake when he oinked the star awake in their bed minutes before catastrophe struck. George's epitaph for Max should be what he once told reporters: "I love eating at Jewish restaurants. I can't stand anyone who'd eat a pig." RIP you menschy pig!

PAM AND KID IN RACE TO DIVORCE COURT

A sure fire way for celebs to make a final decision with their off again/on again love affairs is to get hitched. For four years Pam Anderson and the Kid Rocked and rolled through the vineyards of passion and kaput. Then three months ago they apparently got heat stroke in the south of France and tied the knot...NOT!

Monday morning they still couldn't keep their hands off of each other...in divorce court! According to TMZ.com, Kid's process server arrived with the divorce papers before the courthouse opened. HIS divorce documents were stamped at 8:35 a.m., five minutes after the clerk's office opened. Pam's process server lost the race, arriving 53 minutes later to file HER papers.

What happened to the Wholesome Twosome after no less than four wedding ceremonies: St. Tropez, Beverly Hills, Nashville and Detroit? Jet lag? Well, the groupie loving, booze guzzling, stripper addicted Kid ain't talkin' yet, but Pam's "close friends" are dropping some tidbits about as prolifically as a gaggle of New York pigeons...stool pigeons on crack.

"His male insecurity and major anger issues" were the deal breaker according to one friend.
Another Pam "insider" tattled to Page Six that a private screening of the hit mockumentary,
Borat, at Universal Studio's chief Ron Meyer's Beverly Hills home two weeks ago was the scene of a marital meltdown.

Seems Kid failed to get the running joke: the faux Kazakhstan journalist Borat (actor Sasha Baron Cohen) falls in love with the Baywatch babe after seeing Pam in a rerun, and drives cross-country to propose marriage to her. The friend told Page Six about the connubial explosion that took place at the screening.

"Bob (Kid Rock) started screaming at Pam, saying she had humiliated herself and telling her, 'You're nothing but a whore! You're a slut! How could you do that movie?' in front of everyone. It was very embarrassing."

Listen, Kid-do...what about your mass shtups with groupies on the road and your self-acknowledged addiction to strippers and porn stars? We'd say you qualify at the ballot box for male slut/whore...Have you never seen your beloved's website photos or the "Comedy Central Roast of Pam Anderson"? Ah, where does "love" go. The very things we love about a person in the good old days become evangelical judgements around divorce time.

The friend (or PR spin doctor?) continues: "Bob is a very unhappy man and angry man. Pam is very disenchanted and sad. You know there are reasons she never married him before...she knows now they never really went away."

Pam, who suffered a miscarriage last month (is it safe to have a kid with Kid when she's got Hepatitis C?) left her Malibu home with her kids for a Santa Monica Hotel while Kid packs up his shit and moves out.

Perhaps stars should have their fame and fortune put into escrow before going for a marriage license. If they had the same real life yardstick as the rest of us, they might give a little more thought to the toll of a divorce on the psyche, the kids and the bank account. A few months alone on Exile Island might help.

Quote of the Day

"I wish Pam would become a lesbian. Her taste in men is up her a**."

Pam's mom after her liaisons with Tommy Lee, Bret Michaels & Kid Rock.

For more salacious details, listen to Starr Secrets podcast: Pam Anderson & Gandhi: Sexy Vegetarians.

Unholy Trinity: Paris, Britney & Lindsay

We need a score card and the equilibrium of a Whirling Dervish to keep up with these three
gals who burn the candle at both ends and then some. The newly separated Britney Spears
has teamed up with her idol Paris Hilton for some tutelage in debauchery and work ethic middle fingering.

They've been clubbing until 6 in the morning causing workaholic Britney to miss recording sessions. The Baby Madonna's also taking skank fashion tips from her new best friend. Mimicking Paris, Britney's stopped wearing underwear and now flashes her crotch to the paparazzi. Her raison d'etre: "I gave birth for over 2 years and now I want to party."
Paris is now Britney's roommate at her Malibu mansion so that the two newfound "sisters" can operate more efficiently. K-Fed is lookin' mighty good in the rear view mirror...go know!

Paris kissed and made up recently with her former nemesis, Lindsay ("Firecrotch") Lohan,
and the two are out and about, arm in arm, flashing their pubes. Jeez, girls, don't be so cruel to the panty peddlers. They gotta hustle, too!

Listen, ladies, you didn't invent party girl perversions or snatch flashing. Ever hear of Tallulah Bankhead, a rich Southern Belle whose daddy was U.S. Speaker of the House, third in line for U.S. President? This sexy actress by her own admission was "as pure as the driven slush". Born a 100 years ago, Tallulah smoked over 100 cigarettes a day, drank cases of gin and bourbon daily, carried a suitcase full of drugs to help her sleep and declared: "Cocaine isn't habit forming. I should know, I've been using it for years."

The debutante/actress was nude most of the time. Her best friend wryly observed: "I don't know why Tallulah runs around naked. She has such pretty frocks." She was a bisexual who slept with hundreds of men and women, including Hattie McDaniel ("Mammy" in "Gone with the Wind"), Greta Garbo and silent film star Nazimova, the lesbian godmother of First Lady Nancy Reagan.

Like Paris, Lindsay and Britney, Tallulah was an unashamed exhibitionist who loved flashing her pubes to EVERYONE. While making the Oscar winning 1944 Alfred Hitchcock movie, "Lifeboat", she never wore underwear and loved shocking the cast and crew as she climbed up a ladder, skirt hiked up, and exposed ALL.

When the director was asked to do something, Hitchcock replied: "It's not my department." The complainer demanded: "Well, whose department is it?" Hitchcock thought for a moment and then said: "Wardrobe, or perhaps hairdressing."

What a dame! No wonder Demi Moore named her daughter for Tallulah.

For more salacious details, listen to next week's Starr Secrets podcast: "Anna Nicole Smith & Tallulah Bankhead: Dixie Girls Gone Wild!"

Update on "Kramer in the Krapper"

"Smart mouths opening to say apologies don't come cheap...Watch for newfound Michael Richards donations to Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson pet causes," says Cindy Adams in her New York Post column. Only in Cindy Adams, kids...this broad tells it straight.

Now, be the FIRST to go out and spin the down and dirty truths behind the headlines...

KRAMER IN THE KRAPPER

Michael Richards joined the Mel Gibson chapter of Bigots Not So Anonymous last Saturday night at West Hollywood's "Laugh Factory" when he threw despicable racial epithets at an audience member who didn't think the comedian's act funny.

We've viewed the exclusive footage footage obtained by TMZ and feel that full disclosure without any censoring is important for fans of Richards' to make an informed decision as to their idol's REAL character.

The guy who played the lovable buffoon Kramer in the smash TV sitcom Seinfeld went ballistic when a black man yelled out: "My friend doesn't think your funny!" Suddenly things went right into the toilet as Richards channeled a Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard and took a huge dump on the audience member. He screamed: "Shut up! Fifty years ago we'd have you upside down with a f****ing fork up your ass"

Continuing his shocking stream of racial venom and profanities, the imploding comic spewed his toxic waste. "Throw his ass out! He's a nigger! He's a nigger! He's a nigger! A nigger, look there's a nigger!"

One of the club patrons who was being insulted, shouted back: "That was uncalled for...un***ing called for..."

The crowd was visibly and audibly upset, to which Richards responds: "They're gonna arrest me for calling a black man a nigger?"

Most of the audience appeared to leave as it eventually sunk in that a lynching by language is no laughing matter.

This incident comes as no surprise to us. Five years ago, a Hollywood producer told us: "Michael Richards is the most miserable, unhappy man in this town."

Michael Richards and Mel Gibson should be exiled to "Fantasy Island" for all eternity with a single box of stale matzoh slathered with out-of-date chitlins and a toilet that doesn't flush, to be shared WITH Adolf Hitler, Jesse Helms and the evangelical hypocrite Reverend Ted Haggard.

TomKat Wedding: Long kiss...short bliss?

As Santayana once theorized: "Those who do not remember the past are bound to repeat it."

Globe trotting, out of this world Scientologist Tom Cruise reportedly kissed his bride, the talented, formerly unchained independent star known as Katie Holmes, for an embarrassingly long three plus minutes. Georgio Armani, who designed the $2.5 million gown, tattled about the "never-ending" kiss that had guests begging for a peckectomy (removal of a perpetual lip lock).

The newlyweds might be staying in the Eternal City, but Tom's memory is short.

Remember the glitzy, gaudy nuptials of the allegedly gay David Gest and Liza Minnelli, the superstar diva with a lavender family tree...A gay grandfather (Judy Garland's father), a gay father (MGM director Vincente Minnelli) and a gay ex-husband (the late and great Peter Allen). Well, this odd couple's marriage lasted for less time than the "kiss the bride" buss which appalled ALL of the guests and had hapless TV viewers heading for the vomitorium.

So, okay, we are not convinced that a long wedding kiss means connubial bliss.

While Liza invited the whole world and a few extraterrestials to her wedding, Tom conspicuously left talking show queens Oprah and Barbara Walters off the coveted guest list. Hey, you have a real "Mission Impossible", Tom...getting back in their good graces. Walters says you swore to invite her, and what's up with dissing Oprah? Do you blame her for YOUR jumping on the couch meltdown? She didn't do anything...the culprit was the springs in your elevator shoes! Good move, lovebirds, inviting Poster Mom Brooke Shields, the target of Tom's post-partum drug tirade. We hope her writer hubby Chris Henchy, is penning a fabulous satire to rival the brilliant Christopher Guest's work.

By the way, speculation is rampant about the official wedding photo which has the vertically challenged superstar Tom the same height as his statuesque hostage, oops, we mean bride. Some theories: She's bending her knees under the wedding dress. She took off her shoes or is standing in a ditch. They dug a hole where Katie is standing and Tom had to step on Giorgio Armani's cigar box collection.

The honeymoon in the remote Maldives will be attended by their best man, the head of the Church of Scientology. No kidding!

We have a beef with the $2.5 million wedding dress with thousands of hand sewn beads. There is an Italian seamstress that is NOW legally blind, and at least two African nations that could've fed their starving citizenry for a few years. TomKat, international PR wisdom says: "Get thee to a Malawi orphanage, anon!"

SUNDAY IS WORLD TOILET DAY...

**The average person visits the toilet 2,500 times a year or 6 to 8 times a day. You spend about three years in the toilet (unless you're Michael Richards).

**When Madonna performed last year on the German TV show Wetten Dass, she refused to use their toilets. The show's producers had to use a crane to bring Madonna's own personal huge luxury toilet into the grounds.

**A woman spends, on average, three times longer than a man on each toilet visit, yet there are usually the same number of public toilets for men and women. Girls Unite! More Johns!

**Queen Elizabeth has to have a new toilet seat EVERYWHERE she visits. It is then destroyed if she "goes" and makes Number One and/or Number Two.

SINGAPORE...WHERE ETIQUETTE REIGNS SUPREME

In the Chinese city where you get your ass caned for littering and for graffiti, they take enforcing good manners to a whole new dimension. In Singapore, it is illegal to have oral sex if it does not lead to full intercourse.

Early Christmas Joke

The three wise men show up to visit the child in the stable. One of the Magi, the good King Balthazar, was Shaq O'Neal tall. He banged his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed.

"Write that down," Joseph told Mary. "It beats Murray!"

Now, be the FIRST to go out and spin the down and dirty truths behind today's headlines...

FAMOUS, RICH PEOPLE REVEAL THEIR SECRETS

Quentin Tarantino: "Remember that a kick in the ass is a step forward."

The famed writer/director/producer was a former Manhattan Beach video store clerk who lived in his car after he was fired.


Cher: "Failure is not the worst thing in the world. The worst thing is not to try."

Her career took a nosedive after she split from Sonny. Despite paralyzing fear she auditioned her way into an Off Broadway play, got great reviews and began a movie career.
Audiences howled with laughter as the credits for "Silkwood" came on, with Cher's name following Meryl Streep's. Five years later she won the Oscar for Best Actress in "Moonstruck". She was no longer a joke.


THOMAS EDISON: "Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is to try just one more time."

This great inventor discovered the light bulb on the 2,001st try. What if he'd stopped at 2,000 failures? We'd all still be in the dark!


Winston Churchill: "Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm."

This renowned British Prime Minister suffered many defeats, none greater than being voted out of office after leading the Allies to victory in World War II.


Abigail "Dear Abby" Van Buren: "If you want a place in the sun, be prepared to put up with a few blisters."


Whoopie Goldberg: "Failure is success if we learn from it. People can change their lives by changing their attitudes."

This Oscar winner actress and comedian went from former welfare recipient and drug addict to making her daydreams a reality.


Clint Eastwood: "Being defeated is a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent."

A studio exec told him years ago, Get outta town, you'll never make it. Your Adam's apple is ugly, you're gawky and you can't act." Eastwood ledr the country, made some low budget spaghetti westerns for Sergio Leone and became an international phenomenon. He eventually went back to the same Hollywood studio and became its biggest superstar, making them billions of dollars. The studio exec hasn't been heard from in years.

Walt Disney was fired by a newspaper editor for lack of ideas. He also went bankrupt several times before he built Disneyland.

Albert Einstein did not speak until he was 4 and didn't read until he was 7. (He was thinking!) His teacher described him as "mentally slow, unsociable, and adrift forever in his foolish dreams."

Henry Ford failed and went broke five times before he finally succeeded.

Rev. Robert Schuller, founder of the Crystal Cathedral, adivises us to "turn rejection into direction and to always remember: yard by yard, it's hard...but inch by inch, it's a cinch."


So if you've NEVER failed, you're going nowhere because you're playing it safe. "No guts, no glory." There are five reasons you can never be a failure:

1) Failure is a positive thing.

2) Failure provides you with a pause in which to reassess your motices, your abilities and your opportunities.

3) Failure is often the best way of drawing attention to your abilities.

4) Failure teaches you more than success ever can.

5) Failure is the best school for success.

WHATEVER YOUR DREAM, TAKE YOURSELF AND THE DREAM SERIOUSLY ENOUGH TO RISK FAILURE.

FAILURE IS A GOOD AND NECESSARY THING ON THE PATH TO SUCCESS.

Excerpted from "Cheat Sheets for Life: Secret Shortcuts Used By The Rich & Famous"
(c) 2005, Sistarrs International

SPIN CYCLE

The Starr Sisters are on the road. Starr Spin will resume on Tuesday, November 14th. See you then!

COURT TO BRITNEY: SEXPOTS CAN'T SUE

A Los Angeles judge tossed out Britney Spears' defamation lawsuit against US Weekly for
publishing rumors that she and her husband Kevin Federline had made a sex videotape.
The story appeared in the glossy tabloid on Oct. 17, 2005: "Brit and Kev: Secret Sex Tape? New parents have new worry."

Superior Court Judge Lisa Hart Cole ruled that the pop tart with the hypersexed public image cannot be defamed by this published report as, "the plaintiff herself has put her modern sexuality squarely, and profitably, before the public eye."

Let's get real! In this day and age, it's hardly actionable to allege that someone has made a sex videotape. Britney can't have it both ways. She's tongued Madonna in front of millions at the Grammy Awards, filmed her cheater husband stark naked for millions of reality show
gawkers and dressed like a lascivious Lolita strip queen for most of her uber-successful shows. If anyone has a beef it's PETA advocate Pamela Anderson. She had a private tape of her and well-hung hubby, Tommy "The Salami" Lee, stolen from her home and sold over the Internet for megamillions. She lost her lawsuit. Talk about a raw deal!!

BEWARE OF PREACHERS AND SELF HELP GURUS DOING TIME

Oy vey, the latest ordained-by-mail jailhouse minister is none other than Lindsay Lohan's
career criminal dad, Michael, reports Cindy Adams of the New York Post. (See our podcast and blog on "Stars with Jailbird Dads") After a 20 year career of stock fraud, vicious assaults, death threats against his family, and a losing battle with drugs and alcohol, this loser has now been "saved".

"I've taken a Bible college mail course from Global University and been ordained in the Assemblies of God Ministry. When I'm out, I'll be a minister. The pastor in prison works with me. Maybe that's why all this happened, why I'm here. To help people."

The jailbird dad, who's just been denied parole, is talking to the New York literary agent who represents Barack Obama and Judge Judy about a how-to, self-help, pop culture, inspirational, "I've been saved and seen the light" book.

To think, they remove voiceboxes from poor peacocks just so that they remain a thing of beauty, silent and not screeching in their high octave squawk. And this creepy dad can't be shut up even in prison. Luckily for the family, he has to do at least another 10 months before he breaks out with a book and a weekly visit to his parole officer. The publishing industry seems to be in one of the deeper circles of Dante's hell. Paris Hilton and Pam Anderson are now bestselling authors...

MEANWHILE LINDSAY GETS A RAVE REVIEW

"She's a sweetheart. She's in the eye of the storm all the time. We expect maybe too much from her privately. We want her to be sexy and then demure on demand. She's just doing what every 19 or 20 year old is doing. But very professional on the set."

Joshua Jackson, co-star on the movie "Bobby" with Lindsay Lohan

DO YOU BELIEVE THIS?

Joe DiMaggio's niece June claims in her new book, "Marilyn, Joe and Me" that Marilyn Monroe was talking on the phone with her mother 36 years ago when assassins crept into the blonde sex goddess' disheveled bedroom, attacked her and stuffed a fatal Nembutal suppository up her rectum. June DiMaggio alleges that the notorious Chicago Mafioso Sam Giancana, a lover of Monroe's, was behind the hit, which was ordered to permanently shut up the drug addled, boozed up, loose lipped star.

Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction. There was no indication in the coroner's report that the sleeping pills entered her bloodstream from the usual oral intake, and the phone was found off the hook. Why was her psychiatrist called first by the housekeeper and not an ambulance. Hours later when an ambulance was called, they took her body out only to be summoned back to the house. Marilyn's corpse was then positioned on the bed to await the arrival of the police.

MADONNA TAKES NEW SON TO VISIT AILING DAD

PerezHilton.com reported two weeks ago that Madonna's father is suffering from cancer.
New world traveler, little David Banda Ciccone Ritchie, accompanied by his siblings Lourdes and Rocco, will be visiting the Material Girl's ailing dad in Michigan and meet his new grandpa.

Kudos to Madonna! The baby is a welcome addition to her family and is being treated as such. Alot of celebs leave their kids home with the nanny, but not ubermensch mom Madonna. Brava!!

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"Only the good girls keep diaries. The bad girls don't have time."

Tallulah Bankhead, a raunchy southern belle who by her own admission was: "...as
pure as the driven slush."

KIDS, DON'T TRY THIS ON eBay

A Michigan woman won't be charged after trying to sell mummified human remains on eBay.
The remains were once part of a Scottish anatomist's collection that came to the U.S. in 1820.

And that's a wrap!

Now, be the FIRST to go out and dish the down and dirty truths behind today's headlines...AND vote!!

ANNA NICOLE'S FAILED SEARCH FOR CLASS...

There seems to be an eyewitness to Anna Nicole Smith's use of drugs during her pregnancy. In sworn sealed court documents filed Thursday in Los Angeles Superior Court and obtained by TMZ, Laura Payne alleges that she actually administered pills to the expectant mother from a bottle marked "Methadone" and that she "personally observed" Anna Nicole taking "a rather high dose of Xanax" around the same time, May 2006.

Not so coincidentally, Anna Nicole's dead son Daniel Smith is alleged to have imbibed a lethal combination of methadone, in addition to prescribed antidepressants. This leads some to wonder if his mother's lifestyle contributed to Daniel's demise. An autopsy showed his system had eight times the lethal dose of drugs.

Meanwhile, Anna Nicole in an e-mail to Payne talked of her money woes. "I can't work now so im pretty much f....d for a bit!...sure counting on the court to give me my money...cause all I want to do is move from this house and get a better one and just start over!...and to boot ive gained 30 pounds im horrified!"

Well, the former stripper and widow of an 89 year old billionaIre cadaver got paid $600,000 for the last photos of her with Daniel, then collected close to a $1 million for the bogus "wedding ceremony" to her creepy personal lawyer, Howard K. Stern, and now "Entertainment Tonight" is running an exclusive 2 night interview with the grieving mother with promises of exclusive delivery room footage of Anna Nicole birthing her daughter by unknown paternity. That should be worth another 200 grand, at least. Our feelings of deep sympathy on her unfathomable loss always get screwed up by the money thing. But cashing in on tragedy seems to be a national pastime. Miss Smith, when you get the half billion from your late octagenarian's estate,may we suggest a crash course in Miss Manners as your first expenditure.

BLONDE AMBITION AND RYAN PHILLIPPE

Mr. Reese Witherspoon's inamorata, Australian actress Abbie Cornish, is not a stranger to on set romances. Her former co-stars say the blonde has a history of cozying up to important people who can help her career. Before canoodling wth Ryan Phillippe in Austin, the Down Under gal spent much time on The Golden Age set playing footsies and other things wth director Shekhae Kapur.

What's up with men in Hollywood marriages? Both of the lovely Audrey Hepburn's husbands were serial cheaters, Christie Brinkley can't seem to marry a faithful, adoring hubby, and the fabulous British actress Emma Thompson couldn't keep her man on his side of the bed. If men are from Mars and women from Venus, we wonder how it works in the other galaxies. We've got a call in to Tom Cruise.

SPEAKING OF CONQUESTS...

A recent bedmate of Entourage's Jeremy Piven says that the guy who plays an agent who gets 10 percent from his clients can only give ten percent to his conquests in the sack. The gal goes on to hit the actor below the belt by observing: "Unfortunately, it was not even fun size."

Holy cow! Does this mean that size really does count?!!

HOLLYWOOD QUESTION OF THE WEEK

Which hunky Hollywood star likes to go cruising for bulldogs? No, not the fat, slobbering canine kind. But short, paunchy men with shaved heads and handlebar mustaches.

In the gay world, this star is known as a daddy chaser.

SILLY FACT OF THE DAY

Bonanza's Big Daddy Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator.

No word on how soon the reptile croaked from overdosing on ham.

DUH...

It is illegal to carry ice cream in your pocket in Kentucky.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus." Mark Twain


Now, be the FIRST to go out and spin the down and dirty truths behind the headlines...

MAZEL TOV TO MADONNA'S NEW SON

Little David Banda Ciccone Richie is soon to be blessed with some mighty colorful godparents. Mother Madonna has announced that the ceremony is gonna be a strictly lavender affair with the designated godparents being the openly gay hunky actor Rupert Everett and the gorgeous lesbian Queen of Miami Nightclubs Ingrid Cassares. Madonna and Ingrid had a torrid affair years back and it's nice to see folks can still be friends after a breakup.

We think it's time for everyone to back off and wish the little tyke well in his new plush surroundings. Madonna told Meredith Viera on "Dateline" yesterday that she offered in court to give the father money to support himself and his son and he refused. The Kabbalah kiddie book writer also saved the adorable toddler from certain death after she took him from the orphanage for medical tests and it was revealed he had pneumonia. You gotta ask yourself: "Is David better off today than he was 30 days ago in Malawi?" It's a resounding YES, so let's all bugger off and let the kid get used to a life with no TV, no sweets, British nannies and a mum who will never let ennui creep into his life...

REESE'S MARRIAGE IN PIECES

After 7 years of connubial canoodling, the marriage of barely post-pubescent Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe is kaput. The couple's been in marriage counseling for a few years. They met as actors just starting out, but her career soared while his took a snail's pace to get into mainstream movies. Reports are the divorce could be complicated as Reese now makes $29 million per picture and TMZ reports that there is NO prenup agreement.

Apparently hubby Ryan got a 7 year itch on the set of Clint Eastwood's Flags of Our Fathers. He publicly played footsies (and with other body parts) with Aussie co-star Abbie Cornish in an Austin, Texas Asian restaurant. Showing a smidgen of class, the cheater decided not to use "the sake made me do it" defense. According to US magazine, when confronted by Reese, Ryan admitted it was true and said to his wife: "We need to end this." This was no Freudian slip, but marital suicide by tabloid as Mr. Reese openly immolated himself in the heat of passion.

According to New York Post columnist Liz Smith: "Not only have rumors of trouble buzzed around for several years, but the couple disagreed loudly at the recent Flags of Our Fathers screening in NYC...It was very Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?(An Edward Albee play showing the loud, violent, abusive, boozy disintegration of a marriage. The movie version starred Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton in a reenactment of their own conjugal life together).

Smith goes on to observe: "Miss Witherspoon, who can be a bit, ah, controlling and edgy under the determined blonde perk, seemed especially preoccupied that night."

We never suspected that Reese Witherspoon was at all like other mere mortals. To us, she's the modern day corollary of Audrey Hepburn: bright, impish, strong, determined, down to earth, yet regal, a velvet steamroller of a pixie. Everyone was rooting for this very young couple to make it despite the odds. May the gods of divorce grant you peace and dignity young lovers.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"I want to go to Africa. It's a place where you can really help people. And I'm into safari animals."

Kevin Federline, Mr. Britney Spears and prodigious sperm donor. Warning to anyone contemplating buying K-Fed's album, "Playing with Fire": YOU WILL GET BURNED.

SEE YOU LATER ALLIGATOR...NOT!!

The Sunshine State's wildlife officials have decided to turn the tables on the alligator population which has been devouring joggers and hikers and sundry other Floridians. The beast bureaucrats are recommending that homeowners be allowed to kill the raging reptiles

that sneakily slither onto their property. There is one caveat: selling the alligator will not be allowed, but having a backyard barbequed alligator luai is kosher under the proposed law.

SURPRISE! BIG BUSINESS TITANS CAN BE CRIMINALS

Forget the Enron gangsters, Ken Lay and Jeffrey Skilling, the crooked CPA head honcho at Tyco, Dennis Koslowski, and the infamous Bernie Ebbers of Worldcom. The groundwork for crooked CEOs has its foundation in the Roaring 20's, when crime bosses Lucky Luciano and Meyer Lansky rebuilt the Mafia into a corporate structure, a board of directors and a systematic infiltration of legitimate businesses. The Mob became richer than all the Top Ten American Corporations combined.

Lucky Luciano and Meyer Lansky then teamed up with the U.S. government during World War II. The underworld brokered a deal to get dockworkers, fishermen and hoodlums under Mob control to become the eyes and ears for naval intelligence. As a result, 8 German spies who landed in a U boat off the New York coast were arrested. An imprisoned Luciano got some much need intelligence for the government from his paisans in Sicily for the Allied invasion of Italy. Lucky Luciano was eventually pardoned and deported for his help.

In a somewhat prophetic observation, Luciano said in 1955 he learned much from his experiences. "Next time I'd do it legal. I learned too late that you need just as good a brain to make a crooked million as an honest million. These days you apply for a license to steal from the public. If I had my time again, I'd make sure I'd got that license first."

Excerpted from "Cheat Sheets for Life", (c) 2005, Sistarrs International

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HOCUS POCUS...

Some Halloween magic for our readers. Abe Lincoln once said: "Most people are as happy as they make up their mind to be." This from a depressive who didn't have Prozac to help elevate his mood and married a bipolar who shopped 'til HE dropped. Belief is the magic key. We can live a life of dreams fulfilled or dreams denied. It all depends on what you believe. Here's a great true story to inspire one and all.

Actress Kathy Nijimy (Sister Act, Veronica's Closet) was a 300 lb. teenager who dreamed of being like her two idols: Gloria Steinen and Bette Midler. She plastered her bedroom with their photos. She visualized being in the same room with Steinem and acting with Bette Midler one day. Well, a now slim Nijimy co-starred with Midler in the Disney film, Hocus Pocus, and a year later she was married by Gloria Steinem in her parents' living room in San Diego!

Excerpted from "Cheat Sheets for Life", (c) 2006, Sistarrs International

A HARD DAY'S WORK

Paul McCartney''s succeeded in quelling publication of 15 hours of tapes in which his late wife, Linda McCartney, allegedly vents to her friend and fellow vegan activist, Peter Cox , about her 20 year marriage. A friend of Heather Mills told Britain's Daily Mirror that Sir Paul's amputee wife is planning on calling Cox as a witness if things get messy. Mills' side alleges that the former Beatle was abusive toward both women.

Let Linda sing from beyond the grave. Her audio diary could give her the Number One hit she so craved outside of her famous husband's shadow. Free Linda McCartney At Long Last!!

STELLA RAGES ABOUT HEATHER'S DESIGNS
The News of the World alleges that Sir Paul's pregnant fashion designer daughter, Stella McCartney, went ballistic after hearing that Heather Mills claimed her father hit her late mother, Linda.

"I'm going to kill that bitch!" she screamed." I told you she was a bitch. Why did you marry her?" Stella demanded of her father. "She's been a manipulative cow from day one. The cow won't be happy until she destroys all of us, and our memories of our mother,"

Heather raged.

There are reports that Sir Paul, 64, is drinking heavily and that Stella is under such strain that she has high blood pressure, putting her pregnancy in jeopardy. Stella is so disgusted by the blonde ex-model, she compared her to a pile of vomit, calling her morning sickness, "Heathering".

Alot of people who know the current Lady Paul McCartney say that she makes them sick, too. This long list includes Heather's own father who has volunteered to testify as to her lack of character and honesty on behalf of Sir Paul. This is sure a stomach turning divorce, but great fodder for the world's tabloids. Let's face it, the legendary, deified former Beatle proves that tired old adage: "There's no fool like an old fool." No prenup, Sir Paul. What were you thinking? Oops, sorry, you weren't...

NAOMI CAMPBELL TO JOIN MEL GIBSON IN BOOZE EXCUZE?

According to the London tabloid The Daily Mail, 36 year old runway rageaholic Naomi Campbell was drunk and overcome by fears when she allegedly went off the deep end and attacked her female drug counselor. The sepia stunner was arrested on Wednesday on suspicion of causing bodily harm after the counselor turmed up with bloody scratches down her face.

Enough of the booze excuze...how about taking responsibility for bad character, underdeveloped social intelligence and overdeveloped ego based on nothing sane and rational? Get thee to a 12 step program and volunteer for clean up...the room's and YOURS.

MADONNA AND CHILD FLY TO MEDIA BLITZ

Little David Banda Ciccone Ritchie is barely out a poverty stricken Malawi orphanage a week, and he's already a jetsetter. Madonna flew David and his new siblings, Lourdes, 9, and Rocco, 5, from London to New York yesterday for several days of filming TV interviews with major U.S. networks. Mommydonna is promoting her new children's book and NBC TV special, but it is David's controversial adoption that will be front and center in the media spotlight.

LET'S RAP EMINEM

Proving there ain't no gentlemen in the poetic world of rap, Eminem, decided to kiss & tell this week. He revealed on his Sirius Satellite Radio Show, "Shade 45" that he shtupped Tara Reid, Mariah Carey, Brittany Murphy and, ta-dah...Britney Spears! Ladies, may we suggest making a one-time exception and actually reading a book: "The Ten Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives"?!

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"If you're coasting, you're goin' downhill."

Richard Branson, billionaire entrepreneur & founder/CEO, Virgin International

MACABRE 007...EMBALMED, NOT STIRRED...

Here's a new take on body art. Better make that a double take (or a double, period). German artist Gunther von Hagens is using corpses in various stages of dissection to recreate a poker-playing scene in the upcoming James Bond film, Casino Royale. The cadavers, including one that will be made up to resemble new 007 actor Daniel Craig, will be exhibited at the Plastinarium in Guben, Germany. Marsha Kranes, Wire Services


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NAOMI CAMPBELL KO's DRUG COUNSELOR

Superthug supermodel Naomi Campbell has been arrested yet again for another alleged assault. The British network Sky News and The Sun of Lonndon reported the ugly tempered, venomous vixen attacked her drug counselor in London while taking the drug tests required to renew her visa to work in the U.S.

The woman claims she was attacked and scratched all over the face in a Westminster house by the adrenaline laced mannequin. Police arrested Campbell at 1:20 pm for an alleged assault and took her to the central London police station.

The pugilistic diva has a history of being accused of assault by at least six other people who have worked for her as assistants or maids. A few required stitches and/or hospitalization.

It's high time this sick superbitch got booked for an even grudge match. We suggest a pay-per-view slugfest with her ex-boyfriend Mike Tyson, gloves off, of course. If this karmic booomerang doesn't come off, perhaps a 1 to 5 year stretch in a women's prison might be in order. We'll see whose bitch this bitch will be...Until then would someone please put this domestic batterer in a cage strewn with Ritalin?!!

TOMKAT WEDDING RUSE?

While the paparazzi assemble outside George Clooney's Italian villa on Lake Como for the November 18 nuptials of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, The New York Post's Cindy Adams claims to have the inside scoop: the duo is actually tying the knot at Rome's Hassler Hotel atop the Spanish Steps.

Take your choice: camp out at beautiful Lake Como or at the historic, scenic hilltop location in Rome. We'd rather stay in Malibu and join the celebrity protesters Halle Berry, Darryl Hannah, Cindy Crawford, Ted Danson, Jane Seymour and Pierce Brosnan in their demonstration against a proposed 13-story floating natural gas terminal scheduled to be built off our shoreline. Besides the bevy of celebrities, fans, paparazzi and television networks from around the globe that mobbed Surfrider Beach in Malibu last Sunday, other famous Malibu residents Barbra Streisand, Cher, Jamie Lee Curtis, Danny DeVito, Tom Hanks, Olivia Newton-John and Martin Sheen have signed a letter opposing the terminal. The document says "it poses a significant and potentially irreversible negative impact to our coast, our environment and to the health and safety of our families..." Talk about a cause celebre!

SURPRISE: PARIS HILTON FOR SALE TO HIGHEST BIDDER

Wanna bag Paris Hilton for New Year's Eve? Well, for a mere $100,000, plus an expense account and a private jet, the celebutante will host a soiree in your honor in either Los Angeles, New York or Miami.

We're told Paris will not stay for more than 10 minutes, proving that amazingly there are certain occasions when the heirhead can count to 10!!

IS SIR PAUL NOT SIR GALAHAD AFTER ALL?

In the bitter divorce between Paul McCartney and his second wife Heather Mills, many were stunned last week by allegations that the 64 year old mild mannered rock god abused his amputee wife by not letting her use a bedpan so she wouldn't have to crawl in the middle of the night to the bathroom. She asserts he didn't want t feel like he lived in an old age home. Nobody believed such behavior possible from Sir Paul. Some upper crust British dame even sniffed: "If it's true, I must say I'd make this one exception to advocate domestic abuse." (Not funny, lady!!)

Well, get ready for your smug, righteous world to be rocked! There are allegations that the former Beatle beat up his first wife Linda. The UK tabloid Daily Mail claims that "Sir Paul McCartney is attempting to block 20 hours of alleged taped revelations from his first wife, said to contain intimate disclosures of the marriage that cast an alternative light on his 29 year marriage to the former Linda Eastman, from being used in his current divorce battle."

Say it ain't so, Paul!! Though his current wife is no saint and has been besmirched in various publications as a sociopathic liar who has prostitution in her earlier, colorful history, it doesn't mean anyone can rush to judgement based on the public face of a beloved celebrity. Mills alleges that McCartney was violent to her on four separate occasions. Batterers can be the most charming people in the world. After all they convince adult women to stick around because it will never happen again. Who knows the truth? But let IT will out.

GUESS WHO?

A helpful quick, easy and cheap idea for a Halloween costume is being proferred by the CityRag blog: "Celebrity Baby Smuggler". Guess the phony British accent on Oprah didn't convince everyone.

ELVIS DETHRONED

Kurt Cobain and not Elvis Presley is now the KING of the top-earning dead celebrity club. The grunge rocker earned $50 million in the last year while the original rock god earned a mere $42. Rounding out the Top Five dead celeb earners are "Peanuts" creator Charles Schulz at $35 million, Beatle John Lennon at $24 million and long deceased physicist Albert Einstein at $20 million, mostly from the lucrative "Baby Einstein" educational videos.

Wanna leave an estate for your family that keeps giving? Get famous before you croak. Now that's estate planning at it's best!!

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great."
Mark Twain


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ALL SHRINKS & PRIVATE DICKS TO GREY'S ANATOMY, STAT!!

Seems the obnoxious co-star of ABC's hit show Grey's Anatomy, Isaiah Washington, has a history of aggressive behavior. Last week the good doctor assaulted his co-star Patrick Dempsey on the set, choking him after Dr. McDreamy defended another castmate, T. R. Knight, against Washington's homophobic slurs. This led Knight to out himself publicly the next week.

Now comes word that during a guest stint in 1997 on the TV show High Incident, Washington got into a fight with a crew member that was vicious enough to have the police called in, according to TMZ.com. Then Washington's dark side reared its ugly head again in 2000 in Toronto while filming Soul Food for Showtime. The script called for a peck on the cheek of his actress co-star, but the actor improvised, and attacked with a "forceful, aggressive kiss". The actress screamed. Washington screamed at her. When the producer and director tried to calm the situation, Washington "went off" on them, too. The hair-trigger actor has yet to apologize to his co-stars on Grey's Anatomy, but he will be on Ellen tomorrow to charm the pants off of her and us.

If this guy wasn't an actor on a hit show, he'd be under arrest for assault and battery. His past behavior would've landed him at least in an anger management class. Stardom with all its perks should carry a responsibility. Bad behavior not only should be outed, but punished to the fullest extent of the law. Yeah, he'll be charming lesbian Ellen tomorrow to show he's not homophobic. It's the most mundane M.O. of the classic abuser. We implore the country of Malawi: Do not give this man a baby...

ANNA NICOLE'S BABY DADDY GAME

Seems Anna Nicole has exhausted the "Let's Not Name The Real Father" game. The lucky winner by default seems to be photographer Larry Birkhead. First, she tried to pin the paternity tail on wealthy Myrtle Beach real estate developer, Gaither Ben Thompson, with whom she had a long term sexual relationship, according to TMZ.com. Her alleged designated baby daddy, her personal, full service attorney, Howard K. Stern, accompanied her to South Carolina during this torrid affair. After inquiring about Thompson's wealth, she informed him that he was the father of her daughter.

Thompson thwarted her dreams of financial fairies dancin' in her head by revealing that was impossible as he already had a vasectomy. That's when she allegedly confessed to the realtor that the photographer was indeed the sperm donor. Shutterbug Birkhead has filed legal papers in Los Angeles to establish paternity.

There's yet another twist in this never-ending sap (oops, soap) opera. Seems the house in the Bahamas where Anna Nicole and her lawyer are staying , which she claimed to own to establish legal residency, was actually owned by her ex-lover Thompson. TMZ learned from Thompson's lawyer that the realtor sold the former stripper his home on credit, but she never paid a cent. She's in default and about to be evicted.

"If the Bahamian government believes the alleged home purchase was a scam to gain residency, Anna Nicole could be deported," reports TMZ.

A slutty Daisy Mae goes to the big city and finds alot of rich men to shtup her. She even finds one old coot billionaire to marry her. They don't care that she has a room temperature IQ, the cooth of Cro-Magnon man and makes Marie Antoinette look like a Quaker. After all, life size blow up Barbie dolls are NEVER out of fashion.

SHARON OSBOURNE: GOODBYE, RUBBER BAND DIETING

Dogged by an eating disorder since age 14, the loquacious, ballsy Sharon Osbourne, wife of madman Ozzy, decided in 1999 to have gastric-band surgery, a fairly non-invasive laparoscopic procedure that reduces the stomach capacity. She lost 125 pounds as a result. But now the cravings are back and she's put on 15 pounds in a year. Overeating with this procedure is a dangerous guilty pleasure, leading to excessive vomiting and a risk of tearing the esophagus. Sharon has survived cancer, empty nest syndrome and her husband's alcohol and drug use and a near fatal accident on an ATV. Now she's facing up to another tough battle: overeating is a psychological problem that has no quick fix. She's tried overspending, surgery and hiding in frenetic, non-stop activity.

Sharon's has made a courageous decision. She's having the gastric-band removed and is going into therapy to find out what's eating at her. "My kids, their whole life, have seen me struggle with weight. They say, 'Now you need to spend time on your head'."

"Nothing tastes as good as thin feels." It's a long way from knowing this to LIVING this. Love to you, Sharon. There's nothing you can't do! Thanks for the unremitting honesty that keeps you forever in our hearts.

THE HETEROSEXUAL HANDICAP

"Well, I'm certainly not going through life with one hand tied behind my back."

Legendary dead at 24 actor James Dean, when asked if he was gay.

GETTING IT OFF HER CHEST...

An 80 year old Iowa woman has made her last wishes abundantly clear. Mary Wohlford had the words "DO NOT RESUSCITATE" tattooed on her chest last February. She also has a living will hanging off the side of her refrigerator. When you gotta go, you gotta go...


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MADONNA'S BABY DADDY CRIES FOUL

After an international ping pong match between new adoptive mom Madonna, the world press and outraged international adoption rights groups, Babydonna now has another volley to return. Seems Yohane Banda, the birth dad of 13-month old David, now claims he wasn't fully informed that he was relinquishing legal custody of his child permanently. "I am just realizing the meaning of 'adoption'," the illiterate Banda told the press. "If we were told she wants to take the baby as her own, we would not have consented, because I see no reason I should give up my son." However, the Malawi farmer added that he does not want his son returned to the orphanage.

Fear not concerned citizens of the world! It has just been announced that Madonna will explain all to us Oct. 25th through the benevolent god of talk shows, Oprah Winfrey. We'd like to ask the Material Girl, known in certain circles as Esther, a few questions of our own. (1) With your iconoclastic view of the Catholic Church and its foibles, how could you take a missionary position in regard to your $3 donation to Malawi schools & orphanages, stipulating that teaching Kabbalah to kids is a condition for the gift? (2) Is it true that you were set to adopt a California orphan until a dinner with Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt convinced you to adopt an African tot? (3) Have you consulted Mia Farrow who began adopting Third World and disabled tots in the 60's and ended up with 13 children? (4) Is channeling entertainer extraordinaire and ex-patriate (like yourself) Josephine Baker on your "must do" list? Baker fled racism in '20s America to find fame & glory in Paris dancing with only bananas around her waist. She went on to adopt 12 children of different ethnicities which she called her Rainbow Tribe to prove that different races could live in harmony. Viva adoptive show biz parents!!

ANNA NICOLE'S SON BURIED ON DAY 39

A cemetery in the Bahamas was the scene last Thursday afternoon for tragic Daniel Smith's burial. He was laid to rest in a mahogany casket wearing his favorite trucker cap and jeans. His mother ANNA NICOLE SMITH wore a couture mourner's outfit custom-made by the same designer who made her faux wedding gown. In the obscenely long period between Daniel's death from a drug overdose, his mother: (1) sold the last known photos of her son with his new baby sister for $600,000, (2) staged a fake wedding with her long time personal lawyer, claiming that he and not photographer Larry Birkhead is the baby's daddy. She sold those photos for close to a $1 million, (3) allegedly bribed the Bahamian government to fast track her citizenship application to avoid being legally forced to submit to paternity tests. Anna Nicole was heard screaming at Daniel's funeral: "I don't want a husband, I want my son!"

Here's a question we'd like to ask: Daniel took 7 times the prescribed dosage for both Zoloft and Methadone. He was depressed, that explains the antidepressants in his system. But where did he get the Methadone? Anna Nicole's been accused by the alleged father of her daughter, Larry Birkhead, of being a Methadone addict who was admitted to rehab in the 7th month of her pregnancy. Why is there no investigation as to how Daniel got the Methadone?

PARIS IS A SKANK AND A PRUDE...ISN'T THAT AN OXYMORON?

Former Backstreet Boy Nick Carter, ex-boyfriend of Paris Hilton, tattles to the British tabloid, News of the World, that the airhead heiress is not the bomb, but a sexual dud in bed because she was wasted on drugs. He told Georgina Dickinson that, "She was a drunken prude who as far as I can see did not really like sex. She relied on drinks to give her confidence in the bedroom and was more often than not too wasted to even perform. I lost count of the nights I had to pick her off the floor and drag her to bed passed out." He went on to say that she was so hooked on drugs that she smuggled it on airplanes in teddy bears!

Who says chivalry is dead?! Nick's reality show with the IQ challenged Carter clan is a red neck grudge match that never ends. It should be called "The Thrilla in Vanilla"...As for Paris' libido, we told you months ago that she herself admitted that she wasn't that into sex and that her boyfriends were sorely disappointed with having to wake her up in the middle of sex for a call on her sidekick...Paris liberate yourself. Close the shop to all foreign invaders for awhile.

TOM CRUISING FOR A BRUISING

It seems the actor's couch jumping and psychiatry bashing caused a mass exodus of lots of his fans. Even his apology to Brooke Shields after he publicly criticized her for taking medication for postpartum depression couldn't add luster to his tarnished image. Once Tom Cruise ranked among the 10 most popular stars in opinion polls by Marketing Evaluations Inc. He now ranks a bleak No. 650.

What a fascinating lesson in the power of today's Hollywood publicist. Once he fired his long-time publicist, Pat Kingsley, and hired his fellow Scientologist sister, all hell broke loose. Mr. Nice Guy or fanatical cultist with a superiority complex: will the real Tom Cruise please stand up, 3 inch lifts and all!

QUESTION OF THE DAY

Which Hollywood fitness fanatic and leading man has his hairline back thanks to surgery and Rogaine? Unfortunately, Mr. Stud Muffin now requires more Viagara than Hugh Hefner to flex a certain muscle for the ladies due to side effects of the drug treatment.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"Honey, one inch less and he'd be the Queen of Hollywood."

Actress Carole Lombard, observing that size DOES count, during her marriage to the King of Hollywood, Clark Gable.

HAVING A GAS AT A POLITICAL RALLY VERBOTEN!!

Police in Poland have extended their dragnet and gone to Interpol for help in the search for a political dissident who passed gas when asked what he thought of the President. Hubert Hoffman, 45, charged with "contempt for the office of the head of state", failed to show up for his trial on the charge, setting off the manhunt.


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MADONNA: LET'S TALK TURKEY...

Lady Madonna is firmly entrenched in the British aristocracy and shares its love of bloodsports. Here's what New York Post columnist Cindy Adams says about that: "If you're not already up to your eyeballs in Madonna and her adoption, and her Africa and her kabbalah and what she's doing, here's more of what she's doing: She rents out her English estate Ashcombe House, give or take a few quid, for $20,000 a day. For pheasant shoots. Not peasants. Pheasants. Well, seems her gamekeeper decided they're running low on birds for these rich folks to kill, so he's importing more pheasants from the wilds of France. For shooting and killing purposes."

Now are we crazy or what, but isn't the Material Girl (and new tribal mom) a fanatical vegetarian who eschews violence as per the teachings of Kaballah which says that for every action, there is a reaction. Violence begets violence, etc. etc. Seems this week she's adhering to Ayn Rand's credo of the shameless worship money as a religion. Money begets more money. The ends justify the means, blah, blah, blah. Jeez, Madonna...oops, Esther, make up your mind: saint or money whore, oligarch or woman of the people.
You're givin' us vertigo!

MICHAEL JACKSON FINALLY TAKES OUR ADVICE

Ten years ago we told the King of Pop a move to Ireland would be good for his soul. The love and goodness of the Irish people and their hospitality cannot help but heal any troubled soul. The added ingredient of mysticism and ubiquitous legends just adds to the country's charm and allure. The Emerald Isle is a magical land where all kinds of transformations are indeed possible. We hope Michael will look up our dear friend, world famed Irish psychic Mary Malone, the most loving and talented spirit we've ever encountered here on earth.

Cindy Adams reports that, "While house-hunting in Ireland, Michael Jackson's renting in Youghal, County Cork, for six months. He took his nicely mannered kids to a local hotel where a wedding was in process. To those in charge, the children said politely, 'We're not allowed to eat sweets, but may we please taste the wedding cake?' The happy kids were fed giant gooey slabs but, unless they plan to do two ceremonies a week, these junior Jacksons won't ever be part of today's pediatric obese."

SANDRA BULLOCK, BRAD PITT...MOVIE STARS KISS & TELL ALL!

Famous actors are now talking about their first kiss. Sandra Bullock: "It was through the bedroom window. His friend got on all fours, and he stood on his pal's back to get high enough." Brad Pitt: I was in fourth grade. We actually made a plan, like this business deal, to meet in her garage. After a half hour of working up courage, I kissed her. Then I ran home..." Matthew McConaughey remembers: "Amy had braces, and my lip got caught." Denise Richards' first kiss was with a boy who'd had his front teeth removed the day before. Heather Graham, who is not known for being the sharpest tool in the shed, recounted: "I was 9. This boy I had a crush on said, 'If I give you a dollar, will you kiss me? I said, 'I don't know.' Then, 'What if I give you 50 cents?' I finally did it for free."

NEVADA BETS ON LEGALIZED POT

In another octopus-like move to corner ALL the world's revenue, voters in a state that already has legalized gambling and prostitution are gonna decide if they want to go into the marijuana business. If a ballot measure passes on Nov. 7, Nevada will be the first state to let adults possess up to an ounce of pot AND buy it at government-regulated pot shops.

Passing the bong while playing strip polka at the Bunny Ranch...Don't they do that already?!!

Anna Nicole Watch

Day 39. Daniel Smith remains unburied.

Quote of the day

"My daddy warned me about men and liquor, but he never mentioned women and cocaine."

Famed bisexual actress Tallulah Bankhead, a southern belle whose daddy was Speaker of the House in the U.S. House of Representatives (D-Alabama). The ultimate wild child, she slept with Greta Garbo and Hattie McDaniel, who played Mammy in "Gone With The Wind".


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MADONNA AND CHILD

Well, the world might be discussing the propriety of Madonna's move to adopt a 1 year old Malawi tot who has a loving father and granny, but the Material Girl has ruled. The little tyke got whisked away by Madonna's minions yesterday to begin life in the lap of luxury at the diva's London townhouse. Madonna and her filmmaker husband, Guy Ritchie, were granted an interim adoption of baby David. This gives the showbiz parents 18 months temporary custody during which time they will be evaluated by the courts of Malawi.

This is a no-brainer. Madonna's $3 million gift to the orphanage and other programs certainly insures a favorable report. Let's just hope that the little tyke in the end gives his ubermensch mutter a glowing report card. Steven Spielberg once told his free-spirited, ageless mom, Leah Adler: "I won the lottery when I got you as a mom!" May little David say the same thing to his new mommy one day and we'll all happily SHUT UP....

BRANDON DAVIS' KARMIC KICK IN THE ASS

Genetic lottery winner, Brandon Davis, grandson of the gargantuan late oil billionaire, Marvin Davis, may still have a big mouth, but he appears to be running out of dough. The perennial Paris Hilton sidekick and boorish blowhard routinely makes fun of Lindsay Lohan's privates ("firecrotch") and finances ("She's only got $7 million). Well, it appears there is a God. The unemployed, IQ challenged, alleged heir wrote a check to "Girls Gone Wild" creator Joe Francis for $10,000 and it bounced, refused because of "insufficient funds" according to "Page Six". It appears he also owes big bucks to a record producer and a casino owner.

Better watch that your always wobbly legs don't get broken in a dark alley like the common folk, Mr. Faux Rich Boy. By the way, we hear that you owe more than one young lady an IOU for your performance in the sack. It would appear Mr. Big Shot has no currency in the REAL world.

ANNA NICOLE WATCH

Day 37 and still no burial for tragic Daniel Smith. He remains in a vault drawer at the morgue in the Bahamas.

EVEN MY EX-PROFESSOR IS BARING ALL!

Seems my ex-creative writing instructor at John Jay College of Criminal Justice, former Playboy Playmate Alice Denham, has penned a down and dirty tell-all book, "Sleeping With Bad Boys". The formerly sexy prof tattles that the legendary actor James Dean "was a tender and considerate lover" who was totally hung up on her 36 double D's as soon as he got a load of 'em: "You're so huge for a small girl," he told her. "Jimmy was a t--man, and he loved to nuzzle. He was so skilled." Then in a purely Elvis move, the doomed star asked the woman who I fought with for an "A": "Are you my mother? You are, I think. You look like her." Hugh Hefner chose the future prof as a playmate and proceeded to bed her during a cheesy stag movie. While Hef had "staying power and was a good ride", it was nothing personal. Because the bookish former Bunny is a former academic, she throws ex-lovers Norman Mailer and Philip Roth into the mix, lest we think she's gone Hollywood.

I vividly remember Prof. Denham disrobing during class to the delight of my cop classmates. It seems she was always hot in her sweater and needed to strip down to her undergarment to continue her ascent in the world of pedagogy. She actually outdid the original superstar stripper, Gypsy Rose Lee. I really loved this broad, though we didn't always get along. Nobody EVER slept in her class!! (Randa)

TALIBAN GOES TO POT

The Taliban are hiding behind dense, impenetrable forests of 10 ft. marijuana plants. Canadian forces report that the Taliban terrorists are using the forests for cover. Fighting bush by bush, the Canadians are taking on the unexpected and potent enemy by covering their armored vehicles with the cannabis as camouflage. It's a draw: "Far out, man!"


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ANNA NICOLE'S MOTHER ALLEGES MURDER PLOT...

The Anna Nicole Smith spin just keeps spinning out of control. Now her mother, Virgie Arthur, says she believes that her grandson Daniel's death from a drug overdose may have been MURDER. The bereaved Texas grandma told Nancy Grace on CNN Headline News that she thinks the perp was in the hospital room at the time of his death. Mmm...the only folks in that room other than poor Daniel were Anna Nicole and her full service personal attorney, Howard K. Stern, who claims that he, and not Larry Birkhead, is Anna Nicole's baby daddy. Is your head spinnin' faster than the kid in the "Exorcist" yet?!

Granny "Smith", a former cop, said of Daniel's lethal overdose of methadone and antidepressants: "Somebody had to give it to him. He had to get it from somewhere." Leaving little doubt as to the Blame Name, she talked to Grace about attorney Stern marrying Anna Nicole legally and being in line to inherit her millions if anything should happen to her. "If Howard Stern marries her and she ends up dead, then who does the money go [to]? Danny's not there," Granny hypothesised.

TMZ obtained a copy of the birth certificate of Anna Nicole's daughter, Dannielynn, which names attorney Stern as the father. Her marriage to him AND legal demands from Larry Birkhead for a paternity test can't be far off.

Lions and tigers and now murder, oh, my!! We hope to resolve at least one issue next week in our podcast: "Anna Nicole Smith's Baby Daddy Revealed". Stay tuned!!

MEL GIBSON...What would Jesus do?

Eyewitnesses report that allegedly contrite alcoholic actor Mel Gibson yelled at a young man who accused him of being anti-Jewish outside a Malibu church last week: "I'm not anti-semitic. You F**CKING better apologize right now!!" The devout Christian family man allegedly pointed his finger at the young man in a menacing manner. One witness opined that the judge should have sentenced Mr. Gibson to Rageaholics Anonymous, as well as AA.

MADONNA...AT LONG LAST MADAM, HAVE YOU NO SHAME?

After strapping herself to a crucifix, straddling a human horse in bondage gear and then recreating herself as a children's book author who spreads the gospel of Kabbalah to Third World countries as a condition of a $3 million donation for education... Madonna's outdone even Madonna THIS time. Cutting threw the red tape of years on an adoption wait list, Madonna went to an orphanage and got herself a one-year old boy from the impoverished African AIDS plagued nation of Malawi. Only problem is he's not an orphan. His mom died at childbirth and his dad and granny, who love him dearly, don't have enough money to keep him. Universal outrage is building that Madonna should have waited her turn AND given money to the tot's dad to raise him in his African homeland.

If this is a publicity stunt for her new children's book coming out October 24, all we can say is retitle it: "The ABC's of staying on top for 25 years: Use your crayons, boys and girls, to copy dead sexpots, S&M mistresses, then make the transition to a new persona with a dead Madonna/whore named Evita until you slide into the revered Dr. Seuss slot as a children's author, then complete this latest incarnation with a copycat adoption of a Third World child just like Josephine Baker in the 20's with her Rainbow Tribe of 12 kids, Mia Farrow in the 60's with her brood of 13, and Angelina Jolie with her adorable Ethiopian and Cambodian adopted tots in the New Millenium."

Suggestion for your next kid's book: "Proust for Children as told in one, long unpunctuated sentence by the major domo chameleon of the 20th & 21st centuries, Madonna, call me Esther..."

GOD TRIPS CAN BE DANGEROUS...

Reuters, Kiev, Ukraine - A man shouting that God would keep him safe was mauled to death by a lioness in the Kiev zoo after he crept into the animal's enclosure, a zoo official said Monday.

The man shouted, "God will save me, if he exists," lowered himself by a rope into the enclosure, took his shoes off and went up to the lions," the official said.

"A lioness went straight for him, knocked him down and severed his carotid artery."

This Ukrainian obviously forgot to heed that Old Russian Proverb: "Pray by all means, but keep rowing to shore."


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MALIBU HORROR TOUR

In honor of Friday the 13th, we'd like to take you on a tour of places that will long live in infamy:

• Moonshadows Restaurant on Pacific Coast Highway in Malibu. Site of Mel Gibson's July drunken tirade against Jewish Malibu Sheriff's Deputy James Mee after his DUI arrest. "Are you a JEW?!", the devout Christian actor demanded. "The Jews are responsible for ALL the wars in the world. I'm gonna get you...I own Malibu...F**kin' Jews!"
  
  Officer Mee is currently under investigation for possibly leaking a copy of his original 8 page report detailing the actor's anti-semitic rants to Harvey Levin at TMZ.com. A search warrant was executed on Officer Mee's home, and investigators seized a computer, telephone records and documents. WHOEVER leaked that document toTMZ is a hero because the official report later released to the public was edited to 4 pages with no mention of the inflammatory remarks. Meanwhile, an unrepentant Mel Gibson is running around free, blaming all is troubles on demon booze, while honest, upright Officer Mee faces dismissal from his job and possible jail time if found guilty of the leak. What's wrong with this picture?!



• More drunk driving on PCH in Malibu...There were a few deaths on this famed highway due to a famous drunk driver who didn't go to jail, and got rewarded by Hollywood. Famed director Busby Berkeley, a well known taskmaster and hopeless drunk, crashed into a car in the 1930's while driving under the influence, killing all three passengers. A slick Hollywood lawyer got him acquitted of all charges blaming the tires for the entire accident. What were THEY drinking?!



• Robert Downey Jr. & The Goldilocks House...The 31 year old star of "Chaplin" was busted on Heathercliff Road in Malibu in 1997 after he wandered drunk and drugged into a neighbor's house and passed out in a kid's bed. The resident called police who arrested him for trespassing and being under the influence of drugs. Hours before, the same cops had arrested him for speeding on Pacific Coast Highway, and for possession of a revolver, heroin, cocaine and crack.

People who drive along the idyllic Pacific Coast Highway with its azure waters, mountains, and megamillion dollar mansions better beware of the pampered, drunken movie star who can be plastered behind the wheel of any of the upscale vehicles in this tony enclave. PCH could well be an acronym for PACIFIC COAST HORROR!!

Seniors Get Free Sex...

The voice mail system in Ohio's toll-free Medicaid line has been referring callers to a phone sex business. Red faced state officials have told excited seniors that the problem was traced to a typo in the voice mail script. No official complaints have been received.


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MADONNA ON AFRICAN BABY BUYING SPREE...

Continuing her copycat ways, Madonna is now one-upping Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. She's adopted a 13 month old African tot who's not even an orphan! After seeing a boost in Namibia's tourist trade after Brangelina's sojourn there for the birth of their daughter, the country of Malawi decided to be a copycat, too, and granted Madonna special dispensation for adopting little David Banda.

New York Post columnist Andrea Peyser articulated what many readers e-mailed in a story headlined: Shameless Star Buys an African Souvenir..."(Madonna) has her heart set on raping Malawi. Days ago, she lined up 12 African boys, hand selected for her scrutiny. She picked out 1 year old David to take home in her luggage...The boy selected in this freakish slave auction is no AIDS orphan. He's got a biological father, plus a granny, but was placed in an orphanage after his mother died. His family loves him. They just can't afford to keep him. If Madonna possessed a speck of sanity or shame, she would write a generous check...Madonna should nail herself on her crucifix, for real this time."

Madonna's gone too far THIS time, even by her own ever devolving standards for reinvention. There's talk that hubby Guy Ritchie is bitterly opposed to this latest publicity stunt, oops, sorry... planned adoption. He feels his wife's daughter by another man and THEIR biological child is enough to cope with in view of his wife's unceasing efforts to conquer the world and put her brand on everyone's derriere. FREE LITTLE DAVID BANDA FROM VEGANISM, KABBALA INDOCTRINATION AND MEGLOMANIA NOW!!!

ANNA NICOLE TRAPPED IN HER OWN LOONEY TOON

Now the former stripper and TrimSpa poster girl has shed another 200 pounds... her Bahamian lawyer. He's like so FIRED! Seems there were violent disagreements with Anna's personal, full-service lawyer and self-confessed "baby daddy", Howard K. Stern and her Bahamian mouthpiece Michael Scott. As Perez Hilton deduced: "It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what probably happened: Anna and Howard wanted to do some shady shit and this lawyer dude would not lie!"

A lawyer who will not lie for his client? Isn't this grounds for a suit for incompetence and malfeasance?!!

MEL GIBSON INVOKES THE SODDI DEFENSE...

"Some Other Dude Did It" is the most mundane, classic defense invoked by millions of common criminals around the world when facing the music for their misdeeds. The usually imaginative and talented superstar billionaire, MEL GIBSON, showed an utter lack of originality and self-knowledge when he told ABC's Diane Sawyer in an interview aired this morning that his anti-semitic tirade the evening of his July 28 drunk driving arrest was not him talking. It was Jose Cuervo!! The Passion of the Christ director alleges that tequila was to blame for his "insane" behavior and he admitted that when drunk, he has the capacity to "murder inanimate objects", including toasters. He also went on to say that anyone who doesn't understand that what a drunk man rants and raves about is not anything that he would ever think of sober...

Oy vey, knock if off already and fess up to the WHOLE shmear, Mel. You cannot be successful in an AA program without RIGOROUS honesty. Your daddy Hutton bombarded you from the crib with his anti-semitic tirades and you had little choice. We know you love and honor your father...but grow up and think for yourself. And if you do share his views, be honest and tell the world the truth. The "truth" isn't a business decision. The truth is the truth. And by the way, your self-confessed vanity in gussying up for your mug shot speaks volumes about you, Mr, Gibson. What would Jesus do?

HOLD THE MAYO AND LETTUCE, BUT NOT THE POT...

Three Burger King workers in Los Lunas, New Mexico are in a pickle after serving two cops Whoppers sprinkled with marijuana. The hungry officers started chowing down when they noticed the meat had been sprinkled with a substance that looked like pot. A field test kit confirmed the illegal substance. The cops had the three overzealous employees for lunch...


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IS MEL GIBSON RESIGNING FROM THE TALIBAN?

In a pre-taped interview schedued to be aired this Thursday and Friday on Good Morning America, Mel Gibson tells ABC's Diane Sawyer about his drunken, anti-semitic rant during his DUI arrest on July 28, 2006:

"It was just the stupid ramblings of a drunkard, you know and... I need to heal myself and to be assuring and allay the fears of others and to heal them if they had any heart wounds from something I may have said. So, this is the last thing I want to be is that kind of monster."

Duh, what kind of a mea culpa is that, Mel?! Now we know you sat at the knee of your Holocaust denying dad, Hutton Gibson, and that you learned to dislike Jews in the cradle. But grow up!! You may say it was the booze talkin' and not you. To that we say:
"A drunk man says what a sober man thinks." (Check out our All Points Bulletin podcast: "Mel Gibson's Malibu Meltdown" for the down and dirty truth...)

ANNA NICOLE TAKES PEOPLE FOR A $1 MILLION RIDE...

In yet another spectacular display of bad taste, brand new mother AND grieving mom, Anna Nicole Smith, swam full bore into a Bahamian marital charade with her full service attorney Howard K. Stern and collected big bucks. People magazine paid $1 million for pictures of the phony baloney "wedding", non-binding in every country on the face of the earth, including Lichenstein.

After the faux ceremony, the giddy couple plunged into the balmy waters off their catamaran and ruined their perfectly pressed formal wedding attire. No word if the rental company is suing. After the guests toasted the couple with some mid-range champagne and apple cider, the wedding party enjoyed a lavish buffet of Kentucky Fried Chicken, complete with biscuits and gravy!!

It appears that a baby of uncertain paternity and a dead son proved to be more of a lucrative career move for Anna Nicole than marrying an 89 year old billionaire cadaver. The cash register keeps ringing. First, she sold the last photos of her late 20 year old son to the tabloids for over $600,000, and now she's cashed in for a cool million with the sale of photos of her non-wedding. Meanwhile, this Mother of the Year is accused of being a methadone addict who entered drug rehab in her 7th month of gestation. Her ex-lover Larry Birkhead also alleges the former stripper gave birth to a methadone addicted baby. Coincidentally, her son's autopsy revealed he died from a drug overdose of Zoloft and Methadone. His system had more than 7x the normal dosage of both drugs. Next stop: Mother Rehab?

TRUMP RAGS ON ANGELINA

That self-anointed arbiter of beauty and filial devotion, real estate maven Donald Trump pronounced reigning sex queen Angelina Jolie unattractive and a lousy daughter. Talking about Jolie's estrangement from her father, he told CNN's Larry King last night:

"Well, look, number one, I know her father. Her father is a nice guy. I think she treats him like a dog but maybe they have some kind of a thing. I think he's a great actor and she just treats him terribly. She's been with so many guys she makes me look like a baby, OK, with the other side. And, I just don't even find her attractive."

A meglomaniacal, billionaire global brand obviously can shoot from the hip with little or no introspection and get away with it. First off, being a great actor does not make one a great father. Her dad Jon Voight was a married man (like Trump), when he cheated on his wife quite publicly (like Trump), and caused much pain to his children. Jolie remembers watching the Oscars with her mother and brother with little food in the house as her nominee father paraded his girlfriend before the cameras. (What a great guy!) She vowed she would never let that kind of betrayal be part of her life when she grew up. Word is that she did not become intimate with Brad Pitt until his divorce papers were signed. Their daughter Shiloh was born 9 months later. Mr. Trump obviously has amnesia when it comes to his own behavior. And who cares if he finds Jolie attractive, his attentions would be better placed at finding himself a new hair stylist!

WATCH OUT, YOU COULD BE STUCK ON A WALTZ....

Here's a new way for couples to make sweet music together. It's a musical condom designed to play louder and faster as the sex becomes more passionate. The harmonious device will soon be on sale in the Ukraine.


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CHANGE OF PACE? PARIS TAKES FIST IN THE MOUTH!!

Skanky hotel heiress/amateur porn star Paris Hilton took a closed fist punch to the jaw from former Miss USA Shanna Moakler hours after the celebrity gossip website TMZ posted a video of Hilton making out with Moakler's estranged husband, former Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker at a crowded nightclub.

In a further display of "High School Antics 101", as Paris recoiled in pain amid some foul language from the beauty queen's mouth, the heiress' ex-boyfriend, Greek shipping heir Stavros Niarchos pounced on the Playboy Playmate/"Dancing with the Stars" loser Moakler, bent back her wrists and poured a drink over her.

Paris and Moakler raced to the local police station to file charges against each other. No arrests have been made pending further investigation.

Paris would you please give Angelina and Madonna a call and get your ass to a Third World orphanage. Supporting the extended families of the paparazzi does not count as philanthropy on the world stage!

MOM PUTS MUZZLE ON PARIS' SKANKY MOUTH

The New York Post reports that: "Paris tells the new issue of Blender that she refused to perform oral sex on boyfriends until she was 19 because her mother told her it would leave her with 'holes in your face and craters...I totally believed her.' Paris said one of her boyfriends finally set her straight: 'He's like, Paris, you're 19. You're allowed to do this.' I've only done that with maybe three people in my life.' But one was on video."

How's that for filial wisdom?!! In the jetsetter world, it's not about morality, but looks and money. Now that she's safely past 19, how about charging and building up your blue chip stocks, Paris...Oops, sorry, you ALREADY did that!!

ANNA NICOLE: "THAT'S ALL FOLKS"...NOT!!

In the "Looney Toon" that keeps giving, the saga of alleged pill popper and diet pill peddler Anna Nicole Smith took another stomach turning twist. With her son's body still unburied and in the morgue 18 days after his death, photos of the grieving mother posing sexily in the warm Bahamian waters with her new unofficial hubby, personal full-service lawyer Howard K. Stern appeared in the media yesterday. The former Texas stripper and widow of an 89-year old cadaver celebrated the "commitment ceremony" by diving off a 41-foot catamaran just two weeks after the caesarean birth of her daughter by father unknown. She's reportedly come down with a post-operative infection from this witless misadventure. Meanwhile, in addition to Howard K. Stern and Larry Birkhead each claiming to be the baby's father, a third man has come forward saying the baby's his spawn...

Anna Nicole is the epitome of just how shallow the standards are for today's media stars. A gal with God given looks, an 8th grade education, an audacity reserved for the truly IQ challenged and a way with a stripper's pole & a doddering, decaying billionaire oilman rules the print & electronic media ad nauseum. We gave her the benefit of some well-placed doubt unntil she sold the last photos of her and her late son for over half a million dollars, hurriedly "married" her lawyer, proclaiming him her "baby daddy" and then posed seductively, smiling from ear to ear in some cheesecake photos she knew would go around the world while her beloved son is still in a cold, crypt drawer at the morgue. A class act is a class act...LOW CLASS forever...

WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE...A NEWLY MINTED PAIR OF 40 DOUBLE D'S...

There's a boob bandit on the loose in Germany who got her breasts surgically enlarged and then fled the clinic without paying. In an effort to recoup his $10,000 fee, the doctor has published a five column picture of the woman's naked breasts in what has to be the most unique wanted police poster ever!!


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PASTOR JOE DISTRACTED BY THOUGHTS OF JESSICA'S...

That ultimate stage parent from hell, former youth pastor Joe Simpson, must've been thinkin' of something real alluring. He drove his Ferrari into a staircase railing shortly after leaving a salon in Beverly Hills. Like any man as guilty as sin, Pastor Joe drove off before he thought anyone noticed.

This guy's a piece of work. Check him out in this week's blog and podcast about stage parents from hell. Pastor Joe has an unhealthy interest in Jessica's God given endowments, and brags to anyone who'll listen about her double D's and the fact that he fit her for her first bra! When he hit that railing, what was he thinking...

MR. PRESIDENT, YOU AIN'T NOTHIN' BUT A HORNDOG

Ashton Kutcher told TV host Jay Leno last night about the time he and his wife Demi Moore met the 42nd President of the United States: "Clinton was the only President I ever met, but it was like I wasn't there. HE WAS HITTING ON MY WIFE!"

Ah, if the Prez only would have been so single-minded in his pursuit of Osama Bin Laden, he could've nailed HIM in the Sudan in the early 90's...

ANNA NICOLE: THE PLOT SICKENS...

Photographer Larry Birkhead, who is duking it out in court with Anna Nicole Smith's full service, personal attorney Howard K. Stern, for the honor of being called the TrimSpa Queen's baby daddy, in an exclusive interview yesterday with MSNBC's Rita Cosby made some stunning, new allegations about his former lady love. Birkhead says that Anna Nicole has a methadone addiction, and he fears the baby was born damaged. In addition to a paternity test, he's also demanding that the baby be tested for drugs. He accuses attorney Stern of supplying Anna Nicole with methadone. A sad footnote: Her son Daniel's autopsy revealed he died from a lethal combination of methadone and antidepressants.

Anna Nicole's taste for drugs may be back again and her taste in men is definitely up her childhood. Her own no-good daddy left early and well, you can figure out the rest...

BRITNEY'S BABY DADDY A NO SHOW AT HOME

Kevin Federline is still in the running for lousiest father ever. After leaving his girlfriend actress Shar Jackson with their two toddlers for Britney Spears, he married the songstress diva and immediately produced two heirs to HER pop dynasty, insuring HIS financial future. According to "Page Six", the wannabe rapper is up to his old, bad boy ways, leaving his wife and two babies, ages 3 weeks and one-year at home in Malibu, while he chartered a private jet with his buddies for a wild weekend in his beloved Las Vegas. While he boozed it up and party-ed in Sin City, we saw Britney shlepping her two adorable tots around Malibu with the obligatory pit stop at Starbuck's.

Brit, you need more than a jolt of java to keep you going. You need a major rush of reality to get rid of this moocher. While doling out unearned gifts to your hubby, how 'bout getting K-Fed one he deserves... a vasectomy for Christmas. Now that would truly bring joy to the world!!

A BOOB JOB (NOT K-FED) SAVES A LIFE!!

An Israeli woman's breast implants saved her life when she was wounded in a Hezbollah rocket attack during Israel's war with the Lebanese group. Doctors found shrapnel embedded in the silicone implants, just inches from the 24 year old's heart.

A silicone shield against the sword of Damocles...now that's something those folks in the Old Testament NEVER though of!!


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