PASTOR JOE DISTRACTED BY THOUGHTS OF JESSICA'S...

That ultimate stage parent from hell, former youth pastor Joe Simpson, must've been thinkin' of something real alluring. He drove his Ferrari into a staircase railing shortly after leaving a salon in Beverly Hills. Like any man as guilty as sin, Pastor Joe drove off before he thought anyone noticed.

This guy's a piece of work. Check him out in this week's blog and podcast about stage parents from hell. Pastor Joe has an unhealthy interest in Jessica's God given endowments, and brags to anyone who'll listen about her double D's and the fact that he fit her for her first bra! When he hit that railing, what was he thinking...

MR. PRESIDENT, YOU AIN'T NOTHIN' BUT A HORNDOG

Ashton Kutcher told TV host Jay Leno last night about the time he and his wife Demi Moore met the 42nd President of the United States: "Clinton was the only President I ever met, but it was like I wasn't there. HE WAS HITTING ON MY WIFE!"

Ah, if the Prez only would have been so single-minded in his pursuit of Osama Bin Laden, he could've nailed HIM in the Sudan in the early 90's...

ANNA NICOLE: THE PLOT SICKENS...

Photographer Larry Birkhead, who is duking it out in court with Anna Nicole Smith's full service, personal attorney Howard K. Stern, for the honor of being called the TrimSpa Queen's baby daddy, in an exclusive interview yesterday with MSNBC's Rita Cosby made some stunning, new allegations about his former lady love. Birkhead says that Anna Nicole has a methadone addiction, and he fears the baby was born damaged. In addition to a paternity test, he's also demanding that the baby be tested for drugs. He accuses attorney Stern of supplying Anna Nicole with methadone. A sad footnote: Her son Daniel's autopsy revealed he died from a lethal combination of methadone and antidepressants.

Anna Nicole's taste for drugs may be back again and her taste in men is definitely up her childhood. Her own no-good daddy left early and well, you can figure out the rest...

BRITNEY'S BABY DADDY A NO SHOW AT HOME

Kevin Federline is still in the running for lousiest father ever. After leaving his girlfriend actress Shar Jackson with their two toddlers for Britney Spears, he married the songstress diva and immediately produced two heirs to HER pop dynasty, insuring HIS financial future. According to "Page Six", the wannabe rapper is up to his old, bad boy ways, leaving his wife and two babies, ages 3 weeks and one-year at home in Malibu, while he chartered a private jet with his buddies for a wild weekend in his beloved Las Vegas. While he boozed it up and party-ed in Sin City, we saw Britney shlepping her two adorable tots around Malibu with the obligatory pit stop at Starbuck's.

Brit, you need more than a jolt of java to keep you going. You need a major rush of reality to get rid of this moocher. While doling out unearned gifts to your hubby, how 'bout getting K-Fed one he deserves... a vasectomy for Christmas. Now that would truly bring joy to the world!!

A BOOB JOB (NOT K-FED) SAVES A LIFE!!

An Israeli woman's breast implants saved her life when she was wounded in a Hezbollah rocket attack during Israel's war with the Lebanese group. Doctors found shrapnel embedded in the silicone implants, just inches from the 24 year old's heart.

A silicone shield against the sword of Damocles...now that's something those folks in the Old Testament NEVER though of!!


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